Notes toward a synoptic diegesis of big box retailer pizza

This being the holiday season, with many errands to be run and little enough time for any of them, I have found myself on more than one occasion needing to scarf down something quickly and with little concern for its actual flavor or quality.

The other day I was at Target when the realization struck me that no proper lunch was likely that day. And an idea came into my head which appealed to me, I admit shamefully, for the fact that it heedlessly cast overboard all the values I hold dear: why not have some pizza at the mini instant Pizza Hut stand inside the Target? Sinfully relishing the way in which I was hurling myself down the path of culinary lost souls, taking a wicked delight in the cynicism with which Pizza TarHut called one of their prefab slabs of 'za "Margherita," when it likely resembled the drink as closely as it did any Neapolitan pizza, I ordered "Spicy Sausage & Peppers." (Shouldn't that be a Giambotta Pizza, then?)

I was expecting the standard airport-issue round Impersonal Pan Pizza but what I got was in fact square, with oddly sloping edges. If your ideal of pizza is roofing tile, this is the pizza for you. I actually rather liked the strips of slightly marinated red pepper but the sausage, well, let me say that I still do not know for certain what animal was ground up in there with the spice. And the spiciness was very much at odds with the standard issue gloppy cheese, too-sweet sauce, and above all the weird puffy-greasy crust which bespeaks diabolical industrial practices bearing only the vaguest resemblance to traditional breadmaking. Like many another fall from grace, the delights fell far short of the feverish anticipation.

A few days later I was at Costco when I found myself in the same situation. Surely I would not make the same mistake twice, would I? But what if it were for science? And so, like Faust, I found myself tempted again by the egotism of discovery, and ordered a combo slice at the Costco Trough-a-teria.

I do not wish to oversell such a pizza; that there is probably somewhere in America that this is the best pizza in town does not eliminate the fact that it ranks no higher than 748th in Chicagoland. Still, it was fairly real in all the ways the TarHut pizza was not: an uninteresting, but as real as Wonder Bread crust, recognizable ingredients, standard canned tomato sauce and average, or maybe even slightly better than, cheese. Was glanzt ist für den Augenblick geboren. Das Echte bleibt der Nachwelt unverloren. Expectations, kept low, were met, although the atmosphere alone, which suggests an unusually festive county lockup, is probably enough to keep me from ever dining there again.

In fact, I see the Big K west of me has a Little Caesar's in it. I think I'll resist temptation.

As far as this style of pizza goes, Costco's is definitely the best of the bunch. It's not too difficult for them to reach that point, but they beat out the pizza from Dominos/Little Caesar's/Papa John's/Pizza Hut every day of the week.

I do crave the grease every now and then.

Of course, Canadian Costcos have Montreal Smoked Meat sandwiches. Not good MSM, but edible. I'd probably rather have that than, say, a chicken bake.

"an unusually festive county lockup"

I like the Costco pizza. I do not like flourescent lighting, cinderblock walls, greasy seats, gargantuan carts, or roughly-socialized tiny beasts running willy-nilly/helter skelter while hugging "big gulps."

gleam wrote:As far as this style of pizza goes, Costco's is definitely the best of the bunch. It's not too difficult for them to reach that point, but they beat out the pizza from Dominos/Little Caesar's/Papa John's/Pizza Hut every day of the week.

I do crave the grease every now and then.

Of course, Canadian Costcos have Montreal Smoked Meat sandwiches. Not good MSM, but edible. I'd probably rather have that than, say, a chicken bake.

But how can you pass up the Kosher hot dog and bottomless drink for $1.50?

The fat free frozen yougurt is fairly good as well at least when comparing fat free products. For $1.25 you are given a cup of yogurt that is easily enough for 2 (possibly 3) people to share. I nice treat after buying 5 gallons of mayonaise.

I'm all about the Carnegie Deli Pastrami Sandwich sold at a few Costcos in New York City and Long Island. It's not Langer's or Jake's or anywhere in the top 10 pastrami sandwiches nationwide, but it's really quite good.

All across the country, though, you can get boil-in-bag Carnegie Deli pastrami in the deli section. It's something that's definitely good to have around the house.

Costco pizza makes Sam's Club pizza look great. The Lake in the Hills stores overbakes the pizzas and fails to put on enough toppings. The last three times, I have hoped that it had improved and I am 0-4.

The Sinai Kosher Dogs qualify as the perfect replacement for the Westward Ho dogs - large and completely tasteless. That is a mistake that I will not repeat.

The churros are pretty decent .. until the last which had a distinct burnt taste.

But the ice cream bars are phenomenal.

HI,

I had a feeling those Costco ice bars were phenomenal! What is there not to like: freshly dipped in chocolate and rolled in toasted almonds.

Regards,

It took a while to find the right thread to insert this link to:

The Real Reason Costco's Pizza is So Delicious
They have a pizza robot to make pizza with the same amount of sauce, toppings and cheese.

I see enough differences in how the pizza is prepped Mettawa and Glenview, I think the robot hasn't at least visited Mettawa. When I find out there is one, I want to see it.

A paper tag on a recent pizza indicated there was a vegetarian option for the pizza. I have seen enough people declined a vegetarian pizza, I have my doubts. Of course, if you buy a whole pizza, perhaps it could be possible.

Regards,
Cathy2

Cathy2 wrote:It took a while to find the right thread to insert this link to:

The Real Reason Costco's Pizza is So Delicious
They have a pizza robot to make pizza with the same amount of sauce, toppings and cheese.

I see enough differences in how the pizza is prepped Mettawa and Glenview, I think the robot hasn't at least visited Mettawa. When I find out there is one, I want to see it.

A paper tag on a recent pizza indicated there was a vegetarian option for the pizza. I have seen enough people declined a vegetarian pizza, I have my doubts. Of course, if you buy a whole pizza, perhaps it could be possible.

Regards,
Cathy2

They will make a veggie-only pizza on request. I believe it's an ordering option at the video kiosks.

spinynorman99 wrote:They will make a veggie-only pizza on request. I believe it's an ordering option at the video kiosks.

I haven't seen the video kiosks at any Costco I have visited, where is one around here?

Maybe they have recently changed, because I have seen enough declines to be surprised it is now an option.

It might be a good option when my veg-sister comes to visit.

Thanks!

Regards,
Cathy2

spinynorman99 wrote:

Cathy2 wrote:A paper tag on a recent pizza indicated there was a vegetarian option for the pizza. I have seen enough people declined a vegetarian pizza, I have my doubts. Of course, if you buy a whole pizza, perhaps it could be possible.

Regards,
Cathy2

They [Costco] will make a veggie-only pizza on request. I believe it's an ordering option at the video kiosks.

What disappoints me is that although it's an ingredient in their 'combo', they won't make a a sausage-only pizza, sausage being more popular than pepperoni in Chicago (and virtually nowhere else). I've requested it in the suggestion box multiple times.

JoelF wrote:What disappoints me is that although it's an ingredient in their 'combo', they won't make a a sausage-only pizza, sausage being more popular than pepperoni in Chicago (and virtually nowhere else). I've requested it in the suggestion box multiple times.

A Costco employee advised he has had bacon on his pizza, though he doubted they would do it for a non-insider.

Of course, they never advise they have sauerkraut, but it is there for the asking to put on your hot dog.

Regards,
Cathy2

Cathy2 wrote:I haven't seen the video kiosks at any Costco I have visited, where is one around here?

Costco food court has self ordering kiosks at the 1430 S Ashland Ave location. They do not have them in Niles, I was there a few days ago, nor Clybourn the last time I was there. Even with the kiosks one has the option of ordering in-line via a human.

G Wiv wrote:

Cathy2 wrote:I haven't seen the video kiosks at any Costco I have visited, where is one around here?

Costco food court has self ordering kiosks at the 1430 S Ashland Ave location. They do not have them in Niles, I was there a few days ago, nor Clybourn the last time I was there. Even with the kiosks one has the option of ordering in-line via a human.

I was at Clybourn yesterday They have had kiosk ordering for a while it is just opposite of the cashier window.

Additionally, I watched a woman stretch dough for pizza yesterday, so when does the robot come in Cathy?

pairs4life wrote:Additionally, I watched a woman stretch dough for pizza yesterday, so when does the robot come in Cathy?

I guess this will be coming soon, because the consistencies touted in this article have not been evident at Glenview and Mettawa.

The Mettawa version has too wide a strip of dough at the edge. Glenview's dressings are closer to the edges. Like a lot of pizza, it is best fresh from the oven. We tend to eat it at the food court, instead of taking it home first.

I hope they put the robot where you can see it work. I always like behind-the-scenes and factory tours wherever possible.

Regards,
Cathy2

G Wiv wrote:

Cathy2 wrote:I haven't seen the video kiosks at any Costco I have visited, where is one around here?

Costco food court has self ordering kiosks at the 1430 S Ashland Ave location. They do not have them in Niles, I was there a few days ago, nor Clybourn the last time I was there. Even with the kiosks one has the option of ordering in-line via a human.

They've been at Niles for some time now, adjacent to the coffee grinders/lock-up cage. Takes about 30 seconds to order on the touchscreen.

pairs4life wrote:Additionally, I watched a woman stretch dough for pizza yesterday, so when does the robot come in Cathy?

"Robot" may be streching it a bit, it's like a record player with sauce being dispensed from the stylus arm, so it's not a fully automated process, just an intermediate step:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q0vk_fKDEo

spinynorman99 wrote:

pairs4life wrote:Additionally, I watched a woman stretch dough for pizza yesterday, so when does the robot come in Cathy?

"Robot" may be streching it a bit, it's like a record player with sauce being dispensed from the stylus arm, so it's not a fully automated process, just an intermediate step:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q0vk_fKDEo

Little Caesars patented a pizza making robot last year that's supposed to do everything... press the dough out, sauce, add cheese and toppings and put in the oven.

https://www.restaurantbusinessonline.co ... izza-robot

Coogles wrote:
Little Caesars patented a pizza making robot last year that's supposed to do everything... press the dough out, sauce, add cheese and toppings and put in the oven.

https://www.restaurantbusinessonline.co ... izza-robot

They need to take it one step further and have the robot toss the completed pizza directly into the trash and cut out the middle man. The only thing that keeps Little Caesars from being called worst pizza in the world is the continued existence of Domino's.

Kman wrote:

Coogles wrote:
Little Caesars patented a pizza making robot last year that's supposed to do everything... press the dough out, sauce, add cheese and toppings and put in the oven.

https://www.restaurantbusinessonline.co ... izza-robot

They need to take it one step further and have the robot toss the completed pizza directly into the trash and cut out the middle man. The only thing that keeps Little Caesars from being called worst pizza in the world is the continued existence of Domino's.

I'd be happy to eat Domino's thin crust and little Caesars square pan slices again. Not the best pizza I've ever had, but they're far from inedible

WhyBeeSea wrote:

Kman wrote:

Coogles wrote:
Little Caesars patented a pizza making robot last year that's supposed to do everything... press the dough out, sauce, add cheese and toppings and put in the oven.

https://www.restaurantbusinessonline.co ... izza-robot

They need to take it one step further and have the robot toss the completed pizza directly into the trash and cut out the middle man. The only thing that keeps Little Caesars from being called worst pizza in the world is the continued existence of Domino's.

I'd be happy to eat Domino's thin crust and little Caesars square pan slices again. Not the best pizza I've ever had, but they're far from inedible

I have eaten the occasional Domino's and Costco pizza, but in a city like Chicago, where there are countless neighborhood places that are far superior there's really no reason to order from them.

spinynorman99 wrote:I have eaten the occasional Domino's and Costco pizza, but in a city like Chicago, where there are countless neighborhood places that are far superior there's really no reason to order from them.

When you are coaching a youth Baseball, Hockey, Soccer, etc. team and you need a bunch of them to feed to kids age 10 and younger and the local Domino's will sell you pizza's for $5 vs $15 from the "neighborhood place", there is a great reason to order from them. They are not the best, and not as good as most neighborhood places, but they are more than acceptable, especially for kids.

thetrob wrote:

spinynorman99 wrote:I have eaten the occasional Domino's and Costco pizza, but in a city like Chicago, where there are countless neighborhood places that are far superior there's really no reason to order from them.

When you are coaching a youth Baseball, Hockey, Soccer, etc. team and you need a bunch of them to feed to kids age 10 and younger and the local Domino's will sell you pizza's for $5 vs $15 from the "neighborhood place", there is a great reason to order from them. They are not the best, and not as good as most neighborhood places, but they are more than acceptable, especially for kids.

As a former child-owner (they're adults now) I'm familiar with quick and cheap, but I know far too many childless adults who order Domino's by choice when there are far superior options nearby.

spinynorman99 wrote:They've been at Niles for some time now, adjacent to the coffee grinders/lock-up cage. Takes about 30 seconds to order on the touchscreen.

Thanks, guess I simply did not notice. Then again, I seldom use the Costco food court and don't have coffee ground there.