Help Make The Wife Even Happier (If That’s Possible)

Help Make The Wife Even Happier (If That’s Possible)

As if living with me for over a quarter-century were not reward enough for any woman, our anniversary is coming up and I want to get The Wife a food-related anniversary gift. One year it was dinner at Alinea, recently a trip to Jalisco to watch me drink tequila, but this year I don’t want to get her anything so predictable.

We started dating in a romantic era of American history, not long after the secret bombing of Cambodia, during the Watergate hearings and then the famous beef shortage of the early 70’s. I’m thinking maybe I’d make her a steak flambé, dressed with cicadas (Get it? Bugs! Ha!). As you can see, I need help.

In high school, I gave my first real girlfriend a salami for her birthday, so offering women provocative food gifts has pretty much been my style (if you can call it that) for a long time, though I no longer feel the need to be so, what’s the word (?), overt.

I’ve considered getting The Wife some quantity of pata negra (which she had in Barcelona years ago on an all-girl vacation, and liked a lot, plus it relates to her pet name for me: Pig), but somehow that doesn’t seem quite right. Open to suggestions.

David “To say I’m a hopeless romantic is half-true” Hammond

David Hammond wrote:Help Make The Wife Even Happier (If That’s Possible)

In high school, I gave my first real girlfriend a salami for her birthday, so offering women provocative food gifts has pretty much been my style (if you can call it that) for a long time, though I no longer feel the need to be so, what’s the word (?), overt.

David “To say I’m a hopeless romantic is half-true” Hammond

Wait, wait, wait! What was the reaction of the high school girlfriend to your gift?

Regards,

Cathy2 wrote:

David Hammond wrote:Help Make The Wife Even Happier (If That’s Possible)

In high school, I gave my first real girlfriend a salami for her birthday, so offering women provocative food gifts has pretty much been my style (if you can call it that) for a long time, though I no longer feel the need to be so, what’s the word (?), overt.

David “To say I’m a hopeless romantic is half-true” Hammond

Wait, wait, wait! What was the reaction of the high school girlfriend to your gift?

Regards,

She LOVED it. As I recall, she kept it in her closet and would regularly pull off furtive slices.

So, do you have any suggestions for me, now that I've answered your prurient inquiry?

How about a theme of "Your love is rarer than..."
e.g. Sturgeon caviar, white truffle shavings... but things you can serve at home? I hesitate to suggest endangered species, but a 25th comes along only once (mine's in August, and it's none too soon to start planning).

David Hammond wrote:...she kept it in her closet and would regularly pull off furtive slices.

Uhhh... way too close to Jeff on Coupling (BBC comedy) describing what Captain Subtext would do when catching him in a lie.

David Hammond wrote:I’ve considered getting The Wife some quantity of pata negra (which she had in Barcelona years ago on an all-girl vacation, and liked a lot, plus it relates to her pet name for me: Pig), but somehow that doesn’t seem quite right. Open to suggestions.

No doubt she'd like the pata negra but how about getting her a whole pig? I'm sure you can get some pointers from Mike Sula on raising your own mulefoot. You can watch the little piglet grow up, then slaughter and eat it. You could even try your hand at curing your own ham. Doesn't get any more romantic than that, does it?

Rene G wrote:No doubt she'd like the pata negra but how about getting her a whole pig? I'm sure you can get some pointers from Mike Sula on raising your own mulefoot. You can watch the little piglet grow up, then slaughter and eat it. You could even try your hand at curing your own ham. Doesn't get any more romantic than that, does it?

Sounds a lot like Green Acres to me.

Can you give us an idea of your budget (and how much time you have to plan this anniversary celebration)?

Edited to add:
Without an idea of your exact budget, but taking a wild guess since you've mentioned some of your past gifts...
...A trip to _______ for a great meal. (Could be as major of a gift as a trip to another country to for a spectacular meal, or a trip to your hometown to eat at the first restaurant you ever took her to.)
...Order a case of wine custom-labelled for her from her favorite vineyard?
...If she likes to cook as much as she likes to eat, give her a dream item for the kitchen. (Caution: Doesn't go over well with all women.)
...Hire a private chef to cook you a spectacular meal served to you at home.

chgoeditor wrote:Can you give us an idea of your budget (and how much time you have to plan this anniversary celebration)?

I have about four days to lock something in. Budget is open, but probably not as much as another dinner at Alinea.

David Hammond wrote:

chgoeditor wrote:Can you give us an idea of your budget (and how much time you have to plan this anniversary celebration)?

I have about four days to lock something in. Budget is open, but probably not as much as another dinner at Alinea.

I was edited my last post as you were replying. I'm guessing that some of those suggestions wouldn't fit the budget and/or the timeframe, but others might.

Hammond,

I do have a raccoon in my freezer that I could give to the cause. Nothin' says lovin' like a 'coon in the oven.

Regards,

Hammond,

As her pet name for you is pig, and your name is Ham mond, and you want a hot, smoky sexual suggestion of a lip smacking, amongst other body parts, gift. I suggest you hot-smoke a quality bone-in fresh ham, glaze it sticky, sweet, spicy and formally serve it wearing nothing but a smile.

Enjoy,
Gary

Rene G wrote:

David Hammond wrote:I’ve considered getting The Wife some quantity of pata negra (which she had in Barcelona years ago on an all-girl vacation, and liked a lot, plus it relates to her pet name for me: Pig), but somehow that doesn’t seem quite right. Open to suggestions.

No doubt she'd like the pata negra but how about getting her a whole pig? I'm sure you can get some pointers from Mike Sula on raising your own mulefoot. You can watch the little piglet grow up, then slaughter and eat it. You could even try your hand at curing your own ham. Doesn't get any more romantic than that, does it?

I am quite sure that can be arranged. In fact, our farmer is expecting many new piglets this spring.

But before you announce the gift of the swine, by all means give her a nice string of pearls.

Supported by m'th'su, I'm moving ahead with ReneG's most excellent suggestion. I've got calls into the mule foot people, and we'll see what happens -- and I will most definitely post about it here.

Ann Fisher wrote:But before you announce the gift of the swine, by all means give her a nice string of pearls.

And maybe a silk purse.

Regards,

Cathy2 wrote:Hammond,

I do have a raccoon in my freezer that I could give to the cause. Nothin' says lovin' like a 'coon in the oven.

Regards,

I think my wife would disagree. Someday I'm going to have to eat some racoon.

Arrangements are being made for one of DeeDee's piglets. This will be one of the bestest anniversary gifts ever!!!

Thanks to all who offered their suggestions. ReneG, you are indeed a wise counselor.

David Hammond wrote:Arrangements are being made for one of DeeDee's piglets. This will be one of the bestest anniversary gifts ever!!!

A wonderfully Hammondesque gift!

I'd love to see a picture of the missus when you inform her she is now the proud owner of a piglet.

Ann Fisher wrote:But before you announce the gift of the swine, by all means give her a nice string of pearls.

Cathy2 wrote:And maybe a silk purse.

Both.

I suppose your wife is used to you, but note that those of us counseling add-ons are all female, and the pig chauvinists are all male.

Trust me, the Husband Who Gave His Wife a Garbage Disposal has never been allowed to live it down, and that was by no means as romantic an occasion as an anniversary.

HI,

My reason for suggesting the silk purse is from the old phrase: "You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear." I am sure Ann was thinking, "Pearls before swine ..." I think your wife is going to get a kick out of the pig. It will give her lots of stuff to tell her friends. I know I would give that story a lot of traction if I was gifted with one.

I agree with Gary, I want you to take a picture (or a film clip) of your wife's reaction to the gift.

Regards,

Cathy2 wrote:I agree with Gary, I want you to take a picture (or a film clip) of your wife's reaction to the gift.

I'm going to give her a card with the pig's mother's picture at dinner tomorrow night, so I'm sure her reaction will be muted. I thought it best to relay this information in a public place, to minimize the risk of violence.

Hammond

PS. Thanks for explaining your suggestion; I thought for sure you and Ann were suggesting add-ons!!

I am not a jewelry person, but Bill gave me a lovely string of pearls for our 30th and I was very pleased. Perhaps it made a difference that it was a week before I had to dress up as mother-of-the-bride and the pearls went well with that suit, but I think I would have been pleased in any event. I suggested a gift of pearls before a gift of swine (as indeed an add-on, or an appetizer, if you will) mostly for the humor, but also as a woman who would get a kick out of a pig--but thinks adding the pearls makes for an extended joke, and slightly more romantic gift. LAZ does have a point.

I agree with the other ladies. Maybe put the pearls in a little silk coin purse?

EDIT: Pearl earrings are always nice, too.

The kids and I frequently gift The Wife with jewelry, and I understand that the distaff side is not immune to the allure of gold and pearls, and I appreciate the suggestions (whether or not tongue in cheek) but honestly, the last thing The Wife needs is more jewelry...particularly in that, for the moment, she has only the one pig.

I just ran this brilliant gift idea past the ladies at Marion Street Cheese Market, and it went something like this:

ME: I'm getting The Wife a pig for our anniversary...
THEM: Oooooh...that's so cute...ahhh
ME: It's name is Ermine. We're going to love and care for it. Then eat it.
THEM: Oh.

David "Antics: the secret to a successful marriage" Hammond

Ann Fisher wrote:I suggested a gift of pearls before a gift of swine (as indeed an add-on, or an appetizer, if you will) mostly for the humor, but also as a woman who get a kick out of a pig--but thinks adding the pearls makes for an extended joke, and slightly more romantic gift. LAZ does have a point.

Funny gifts are not always received with the hilarity givers intend. I got the jokes, and doubtless Hammond knows his wife better than anyone here, but a surprising number of longtime husbands are remarkably obtuse about the romantic notions cherished by their wives.

I would have enjoyed the garbage disposal a lot more had it come with pearls. (And also if it hadn't taken months for the giver to get it installed.)

A woman can never have too much jewelry.

And if the pigs name is Ermine....that's perfect lead in for "Won't go the Harlem in ermine & pearls"!

Come on now!

Liz in Norwood Park wrote:A woman can never have too much jewelry.

And if the pigs name is Ermine....that's perfect lead in for "Won't go the Harlem in ermine & pearls"!

Come on now!

Got to hand it to you, that is an excellent tie-in.

PS. The Wife is also getting a car, which she really wants, so I'm hoping that will grease the pig, as it were.

David Hammond wrote:

Liz in Norwood Park wrote:A woman can never have too much jewelry.

And if the pigs name is Ermine....that's perfect lead in for "Won't go the Harlem in ermine & pearls"!

Come on now!

Got to hand it to you, that is an excellent tie-in.

PS. The Wife is also getting a car, which she really wants, so I'm hoping that will grease the pig, as it were.

A car AND a pig??? Sheesh! Do you have a brother, by any chance?

Hammond,

You really lead us by the nose, don't you?

Pearls! Pigs! Silk Purses! All trumped by a car!

It seems like this is a banner year for The Wife.

Regards,

A car??!! Geez Louise! Are you sure she doesn't want a hog to go with her swine?