Me to Homemade Pizza: Go to Hell

Me to Homemade Pizza: Go to Hell

So, I was sitting at the dinner table last week, watching “The Sting” on HBO, reviewing a fax from The Bank of Nigeria offering me millions (ask me sometime how this scam wiped out a side of my family), and eating a Homemade Pizza that The Wife had picked up. I paused for a second as I nibbled my second slice, pondering the painfully obvious common theme that pulled this whole viewing/reading/eating experience together.



I believe Homemade Pizza is a kind of con, and like most cons, the pigeon is lured into questionable actions by fooling himself into believing that something too good to be true could actually be true, and that by slighting overlooking certain obvious ethical challenges, he will receive what he believes he deserves, which is always more than he actually deserves.

Now, since the beginning of the Modern Age, prepackaged food manufacturers have tried to help harried folks feel better about feeding their family “homemade” foods that weren’t made at home. For some reason, on that night, with several environmental factors coming together, I felt a harmonic convergence of revulsion.

• Homemade Pizza is inoffensive, but it’s assembled with oddly mechanical insensitivity: ingredients are laid out in quadrants, separate from one another. This formulaic ingredient distribution is, I believe, an encouragement to “re-arrange” the elements yourself so as to reinforce the feeling that you’re actually “making pizza.” Regular crust was pasty, flavorless, and in my consumer oven, it got nowhere near as crisp as I’d like; the wheat crust was just a spongy lower layer for toppings.
• The tastes of both pizzas we had (Spinach and Quattro Stagione) had distinct lack of zap. The ingredients were fresh: the spinach on par with a Fresh Express product, the Kalamata olives only slightly less firm than something you’d buy at the deli at Caputo’s, the “wild mushrooms”…well, I’m guessing they were crimini, which are not wild, but everybody lies about that . Thing is, “fresh” is just not enough; ingredients that are past their due date are unacceptable everywhere. The problem wasn’t freshness; it was flavor, or the lack of it. The Homemade Pizza went down without any sensation of “oooh good.”
• I was appalled at the pricing – with tax, close to $20 for a “large” 14” pie; no wonder franchise locations are in places like Oak Park, Glencoe and Winnetka (not that the PROP bears much in common with those other suburbs). The Boy, who has logged much experience behind the counter at Domino’s, perceptively noted that because there was a crust perimeter of about 1.5-2”, so what we really had here was, by any reasonable standard, a small pizza for $20. And we got to cook it ourselves.

So here’s the point, which is not profound. We pay more for less as a way of assuaging our guilt for not putting into our food the only thing that matters – heart – which is the secret ingredient that makes any dish taste good. Passion directs us to keep looking for the right ingredients, the most pleasing combinations, while fixing attention firmly on the object of our gustatory desire, as a lover woos the object of affection, with passionate focus and intensity. Got no heart; then spend money; see if that helps.

High school buddy of mine who spent his thirties in federal prison for armed robbery said that one of the things he missed most while he was inside was actual home-cooked food. There’s no way, he said, an institution can add the magic of something made by hand by someone who cares for you.

David “Thanks, again, for letting me vent” Hammond

Postscript. After writing the above, I went to http://www.homemadepizza.com and checked the press area only to find that Homemade Pizza has been lauded by Bayless, Achatz, & Dolinsky. It’d be hard for me to think of three food guys I respect more. Did it give me pause that I had just slammed a place admired by those I admire? Sure it did. Then I listened to Dolinsky’s piece where the Homemade Pizza founder explained that their product “gives the customer the satisfaction of cooking a great meal at home without doing any of the work.” Okay, now I feel better. That is my point. Getting satisfaction from heating up something someone else made (and that, in my opinion, is not very tasty) – and conning yourself into thinking that this is “cooking” – that is a sad, sad thing.

The hubs keeps wanting to try this place - what I don't get is that it also costs about as much as a delivery pizza from a lower-tier place (I don't remember exactly how much, but it's enough to stop me before I actually enter the place.) I've done the cook-it-yourself pizza from Dominicks, but it feeds two adults and two or three kids and costs $6 - and, frankly, I almost always add stuff from my own pantry, making it minimally more "homemade" that what you're describing.

I don't get it, either.

Does Sandra Lee own this pizza place of which you speak?

ingredients are laid out in quadrants, separate from one another. This formulaic ingredient distribution is, I believe, an encouragement to “re-arrange” the elements yourself so as to reinforce the feeling that you’re actually “making pizza.” .....

• The tastes of both pizzas we had (Spinach and Quattro Stagione

No comment on Homemade (I haven't tried it--Boboli fills this need for us at 2/$3), but David, you are aware that a Quattro Stagione is supposed to have four separate quadrants, right?

elakin wrote:

ingredients are laid out in quadrants, separate from one another. This formulaic ingredient distribution is, I believe, an encouragement to “re-arrange” the elements yourself so as to reinforce the feeling that you’re actually “making pizza.” .....

• The tastes of both pizzas we had (Spinach and Quattro Stagione

No comment on Homemade (I haven't tried it--Boboli fills this need for us at 2/$3), but David, you are aware that a Quattro Stagione is supposed to have four separate quadrants, right?

Blinded by righteous indignation.

David Hammond wrote:So here’s the point, which is not profound. We pay more for less as a way of assuaging our guilt for not putting into our food the only thing that matters – heart – which is the secret ingredient that makes any dish taste good.

This is something that bugs me to no end. I hear this term tossed around all the time on cooking shows, competition, and cookbooks... this false notion that "heart" or cooking with love somehow makes good food, or that the fact that you "care" so much makes up for the fact that you can't actually cook. While I may want the person who is coming up with a dish to have a certain passion for what they are doing I could care less if the person puts their "heart" into it. What I want is cold, steely talent! Keep your "heart" out of my food, unless you are serving me heart.

This isn't to say that a good Bubby cooked meal probably won't taste better than most anything else on the planet. But let's not forget that most Bubbys are excellent cooks with serious experience behind a stove. It isn't "love" that makes it better, it is the depth of knowledge that comes from making that matzah ball soup, koogel, and pot roast thousands of times. As the saying goes, "there is no substitute for experience" and I doubt if you asked most any excellent cook or Bubby they would argue.

Deleted. (How exactly do you delete one of your own posts, by the way? I only see edit and quote options.)

What Achatz makes at Alinea may seem solely the result of "steely talent," but this chef (ironic admirer of Homemade Pizza) is aiming to create a heart-tug, and in his explanations of his creations he frequently refers to the emotion he hopes to conjure.

I may not have been clear enough. I am referring to the execution of a dish. I very much appreciate the passion and intellect that goes into the creative process of designing dishes and a menu, but that is almost a separate process from delivering a quality product to the table. I have worked with many line cooks that probably couldn't create anything past a meat-and-three but they can cook like nobody's business. I would think that your original post directly speaks to this. You can put all the "heart" and "love" you have into that "pizza" but it will never overcome the fact that it was originally prepared by someone that lacked the talent required for a satisfying meal.

We like the Miesian from Homemade Pizza - pretty simple with just tomatoes, basil, garlic, mozzarella. We probably make dinner for ourselves (hubby and me) 4-5 times out of 7 during the week, but after a 10-12 hour day it's not always realistic.

Stagger wrote:You can put all the "heart" and "love" you have into that "pizza" but it will never overcome the fact that it was originally prepared by someone that lacked the talent required for a satisfying meal.

Agreed.

chicagogrrl wrote:We like the Miesian from Homemade Pizza - pretty simple with just tomatoes, basil, garlic, mozzarella. We probably make dinner for ourselves (hubby and me) 4-5 times out of 7 during the week, but after a 10-12 hour day it's not always realistic.

If I may be so bold as to speak for him, Hammond's point isn't that there's anything wrong with carry out or premade foods. It's that there's nothing really "homemade" about homemade pizza, and they're using that conceit as an excuse to charge more for less. His opinion is that you can get more and better pizza for less money elsewhere, so what you're paying for is this idea that you're making something at home when you're really not.

Dmnkly wrote:

chicagogrrl wrote:We like the Miesian from Homemade Pizza - pretty simple with just tomatoes, basil, garlic, mozzarella. We probably make dinner for ourselves (hubby and me) 4-5 times out of 7 during the week, but after a 10-12 hour day it's not always realistic.

If I may be so bold as to speak for him, Hammond's point isn't that there's anything wrong with carry out or premade foods. It's that there's nothing really "homemade" about homemade pizza, and they're using that conceit as an excuse to charge more for less. His opinion is that you can get more and better pizza for less money elsewhere, so what you're paying for is this idea that you're making something at home when you're really not.

Oh I'm well aware that the pizza I'm bringing home is far from homemade and I do get what the original post was saying. I guess I don't really pay that much attention to the name of the place. I just like the pizza we order and it works in a pinch after a long day.

I remember suggesting Homemade Pizza concept was, "Worst of two worlds: a commercial product made in my oven which cannot do as good a job as the pro's." I'm glad you took one for the team.

Traveling Dough Pizza thread of March 2, 2004 wrote:Hi,

There is a similar concept which just opened in Highland Park called HomeMade pizza. Interesting how these new concepts come in clusters. OF course in the back of my mind, it just sounds like the Seinfeld episode except Kramer expected the clients to assemble their pies then personally insert them into the oven.

I'm not likely to do this, either I buy or I make, this in between thing doesn't do much for me. Replicating a professional pizza oven environment at home isn't a 1-2-3 thing. Professional pizza ovens I believe cook in the 600 degree range, they usually have stones - or wire screen mesh support - and I believe they may introduce some humidity somewhere during the process.

So I am curious about what you did:
- What temperature did they have you set the oven? (This is where some impatient home cooks get into trouble, just not letting the oven reach temperature and stabilize --- which I understand when you are hungry)
- Did you really put this pizza directly into the oven using only the parchment? If yes, did the pie edges want to flop down where it wasn't supported? If no, did you use a cookie sheet, pizza stone, fine mesh screen or something else to support it?
- How long did you bake it for?
- BTW since pizza dough is yeast risen, if you are not prepared to cook it immediately the dough will continue to rise. Chilling it to stall the rising may help but then it likely interferes with the cooking cycle.
- Did they suggest a rest period after the pizza was cooked? We wait at least 5 minutes, ok as long as I can hold off the clan, for things to firm up before slicing and eating.

Just from my arm chair analysis, I can see this is not a good concept for me. I go out for pizza because I cannot get the same qualities in a pizza baked at home. I make it at home, so I can make it to my specification or fit my time constraints. This DIY (do it yourself) pizza baking is just the worst of two worlds: a commercial product made in my oven which cannot do as good a job as the pro's. Now if I could bring my home prepared pizza to their place for baking, that would interest me for a best of two worlds result.

Believe me, I'm glad you like it and it suits your needs. I just simply talked myself out of trying it. Thank goodness there are plenty of other fish to fry and things to try.

Regards,
CAthy2

My son works at the homemade pizza on Armitage. When I heard of the concept I thought it was the dumbest thing. Why would I want to bake my own pizza? But I tried it and I thought it was good. It is pricey. It serves a certain market. Its not as greasy as some of the carry out pizza and appears to have more natural ingredients. And people can cook it when they want and it will be hot instead of lukewarm as delivery pizza can be. I cooked it in my convection oven and it turned out really good. Did not taste like a Jewel or Dominick's pizza but way better.

I have tried it, and like it fine, but don't crave it like I do other pizza. DH didn't like it as much as other pizzas, so we haven't gotten it since.

If I have a craving for that kind of utter whitebread pizza, and I do sometimes, I go to Costco for one of their slices. There, I said it and I'm not ashamed. Okay, a little. (I mean the slices they sell at the counter, which are better than their whole pizzas which are 1) not very good and 2) too big for a normal oven anyway.)

What's goofy about this is that it really is making it easy to make something that's... easy to make! Really, go buy premade dough if you must and then the world is your oyster, pizza-wise. Buying Homemade Pizza is like buying cookies prelaid-out on a sheet because the tube of cookie dough is too hard to deal with. Honestly, people.

Mike G wrote:If I have a craving for that kind of utter whitebread pizza, and I do sometimes, I go to Costco for one of their slices. There, I said it and I'm not ashamed. Okay, a little. (I mean the slices they sell at the counter, which are better than their whole pizzas which are 1) not very good and 2) too big for a normal oven anyway.)

What's goofy about this is that it really is making it easy to make something that's... easy to make! Really, go buy premade dough if you must and then the world is your oyster, pizza-wise. Buying Homemade Pizza is like buying cookies prelaid-out on a sheet because the tube of cookie dough is too hard to deal with. Honestly, people.

A great many foods are "easy" to make but not everyone has the desire or time to do so. Homemade is more of an impulse buy on your way home. And it is pretty good. I happen to have a neighborhood spot that makes excellent thin-crust pizza and prefer to order from there, but Homemade is on the way home for my wife and we've had it a couple of times. I don't crave it but it's a decent product.

A great many foods are "easy" to make but not everyone has the desire or time to do so.

If you don't have the desire or time, you order delivery.

Homemade seems to be targeting a niche that does have the desire, but doesn't have the will to make it happen. Which I, like Hammy, find a bit sad. The time difference between swinging by Homemade and making your own pizza on store-bought dough or crust is really not significant.

I admit I'd feel different about these issues if they made a really terrific product, though, instead of a rather bland one.

It's no different than stopping at a salad bar in the grocery store. Rather than buying the ingredients and prepping them you get it in one fell swoop, then pop it in the oven when you're ready to eat. As I mentioned, my wife has stopped there on occasion and it gives you a bit of flexibility as to when your'e going to throw it in the oven (as opposed to trying to time a delivery or pizza to go).

It's neither evil nor sad and if it didn't fill a niche it wouldn't still be around. It may not fill your niche, but not every product is intended for every consumer. I'm more perplexed (and I'm referring to the original poster) by people who take time out of their day to blog about why certain things don't make sense to them.

It's no different than stopping at a salad bar in the grocery store.

Exactly.

I buy boxes of lettuce, I buy olive oils and different kinds of vinegars, I spend a couple of hours a couple of times a year pickling beets, I pick up this or that now and then, and I have the makings of terrific salads with, I'm convinced, less time spent than time in a grocery store assembling to-go salads every time I want one salad.

It's sad that people can't see that, that the world is organized so as to make it hard to see. Thoreau's basic point about train travel in Walden could as easily be about "convenience" foods:

One says to me, "I wonder that you do not lay up money; you love to travel; you might take the cars and go to Fitchburg today and see the country." But I am wiser than that. I have learned that the swiftest traveller is he that goes afoot. I say to my friend, Suppose we try who will get there first. The distance is thirty miles; the fare ninety cents. That is almost a day's wages. I remember when wages were sixty cents a day for laborers on this very road. Well, I start now on foot, and get there before night; I have travelled at that rate by the week together. You will in the meanwhile have earned your fare, and arrive there some time tomorrow, or possibly this evening, if you are lucky enough to get a job in season. Instead of going to Fitchburg, you will be working here the greater part of the day. And so, if the railroad reached round the world, I think that I should keep ahead of you; and as for seeing the country and getting experience of that kind, I should have to cut your acquaintance altogether.

Katie wrote:Deleted. (How exactly do you delete one of your own posts, by the way? I only see edit and quote options.)

There should be a little X on the bottom right side.

spinynorman99 wrote: I'm more perplexed (and I'm referring to the original poster) by people who take time out of their day to blog about why certain things don't make sense to them.

Many are amazed that anyone takes time out of their day to blog about anything, period. Still, my goal wasn't so much to throw up my hands as to try to make sense of this phenom.

Please stay tuned for the next installment of "World-Class Asses." Years in production. Coming to a screen near you sometime soon.

I agree entirely with the sentiment of the original post. I've often scratched my head at this concept, which makes absolutely no sense to me. As was initially stated, the likelihood that a home oven can cook a pizza better than a commercial one is small. Beyond that, it really is the worst of both worlds -- the cost is (in many cases) higher than standard carry-out/delivery, the pizzas are bland and over-topped (although I will admit that ingredient quality seems high) and you still have to pick it up and then cook it. Low-grade delivery seems like a better faster and cheaper option. It's no less healthy, either.

=R=

ronnie_suburban wrote:I agree entirely with the sentiment of the original post. I've often scratched my head at this concept, which makes absolutely no sense to me. As was initially stated, the likelihood that a home oven can cook a pizza better than a commercial one is small. Beyond that, it really is the worst of both worlds -- the cost is (in many cases) higher than standard carry-out/delivery, the pizzas are bland and over-topped (although I will admit that ingredient quality seems high) and you still have to pick it up and then cook it. Low-grade delivery seems like a better faster and cheaper option. It's no less healthy, either.

=R=

I agree.

My mother bought us a couple of these pizzas after our twins were born, figuring that I didn't want to do too much cooking (she was wrong, but that's besides the point).

I thought the pizzas were just "ok", but when I noted the price, I was puzzled. I remember saying to Cookie, "So, instead of making my own or ordering in, I get an errand to pick something up, a higher price, and I still have to pre-heat my oven? How is this better?"

As a food lover, a cook with more "heart" than talent (see sub-discussion upthread), and a longtime kvetcher about the ridiculous things people will pay a premium for, I ought to be in full agreement with the original post, yet I can't do it.
I agree entirely with the general sentiment, but disagree with the particular instance.
I now live 2-3 blocks from a Homemade outlet. Two to three times a month a I bring some home (usually just a small one for the boy, but sometimes for ourselves as well).

First, it ain't heavenly fill-your-waking-and-sleeping-hours-with-craving pizza. But it's good. If I lived 2 blocks from Spacca, or Sapori di Napoli, etc., I'd never darken their door. But I don't. My choice (here in Hyde Park) is among Edwardo's, Giordano's, Leona's and Capri. Given that scenario there is considerable upside (as opposed to worst-of-both-worlds) to the Homemade version.

Freshness does count for something and I like their ingredients better than a lot of what gets buried under the cheese in delivery pizza. Then, there's the "freshness" out of the oven. The older I get, the less I can accomodate the steaming in the box that occurs with any delivery pizza, however beautiful it was when it came out of the oven. Too much is lost for me. The Homemade pie comes bubbling and crisp out of my oven exactly when I want it to, and hits the table at its zenith (I realize that's a low zenith for those who dislike it, but still.) My oven does not get to 800 degrees, but I put it on a stone and the results are OK by me.

Back to the why-not-just-do-it-yourself issue: No, it's not difficult to scatter a few good indgredients on a crust. If it's August and I'm just going to pull a tomato and a handful of basil from out my own backdoor, then fine. But, if I'm rushing in the door after a full work day, and it's already a bit late for dinner, and I have a taste for a few more labor-intensive (prep-wise) ingredients, grating cheese, messing with some sausage, chopping and sauteing some onions or peppers, washing and slicing mushrooms...whatever, that's going to add 30-40 min. to everyone's wait for dinner, when it's already painfully late.
So, I'm not paying for someone to do something I can't do, but to do it for me, save me the time as well as the washing up. The price point is more than I'd like, ideally, but I still get some value. At my shop, there isn't such a wide rim of crust---they pretty much take the ingredients to the edge without "over-topping."

Also, I separate their marketing shtick from what I actually get it for: I'm not feeling guilty, or fantasizing that I just "cooked" a pizza all by myself. I'm getting a decent pizza exactly when I want it, hot, crisp and not steamed in cardboard, doctored to my whim at the last minute (if I choose), and no time lost in rushed wash/prep/clean-up when I'm already frazzled, burned out, and the family is ravenous.

It would not be my choice for a last pizza as a condemned man, but it fills a particular niche.

I reserve my head-scratching, what-a-con, who would buy this? response for: Lunchables, "simmer" sauces, all those other big cardboard boxes where you dump some nasty industrial seasoning powder over your own primary ingredients and pay for the privilege, jarred pasta sauce, "Italian" seasoning, all frozen pizza, quick oats, canned whipped cream, "microwave ready" baked potatoes, pre-shredded "cheese", pre-mixed PB&J, frozen vegetables in frozen "butter" sauce, frozen hamburgers already on a frozen bun....

Pie Lady wrote:

Katie wrote:Deleted. (How exactly do you delete one of your own posts, by the way? I only see edit and quote options.)

There should be a little X on the bottom right side.

Yeah, there should be, but there isn't. Do you see one on your post?

Ah, now I see that on this post of mine, there's an X next to the exclamation point. But there isn't an X next to the exclamation point on my earlier post. So I guess that the option to delete your own post goes away after a while?

Katie wrote:

Pie Lady wrote:

Katie wrote:Deleted. (How exactly do you delete one of your own posts, by the way? I only see edit and quote options.)

There should be a little X on the bottom right side.

Yeah, there should be, but there isn't. Do you see one on your post?

You can no longer delete a message after someone has replied to it, unless they also delete their message.

Oh! That explains it. Thanks.

gleam wrote:You can no longer delete a message after someone has replied to it, unless they also delete their message.

Right, and for the sake of thread continuity we, meaning the moderators, strongly discourage editing out posts.

Katie, I see you have deleted all content from your post, in the future please refrain from doing so. If there is a problem, or you would like a post deleted, please PM a moderator. (Cathy2, David Hammond, Ronnie_Suburban, G Wiv)