I Hate Saran™ Wrap

I HATE SARAN™ WRAP

I try to teach my children that hate is a waste of emotional energy – it’s better to spend energy positively. Especially in this season of Thanksgiving, with all the important events and issues we face as individuals and residents of this planet, I’m loath to squander this space (and your time) on something so mundane. But there are all sorts of things I hate: poverty, famine, war. But even more I hate Saran Wrap.

In 1933, a Dow Chemical worker named Ralph Wiley, accidentally discovered polyvinylidene chloride or Saran. He originally christened it “eonite” after an indestructible material in the comic strip “Little Orphan Annie.” Curse you Ralph Wiley and all you evil lab geniuses!

Really now, perhaps I’m being a bit hard on ol’ Ralph-ey. Working for Dow, he was probably just trying to invent a more efficient way of killing people, not just personally frustrating me. But I’m not in the forgiving mood -- there are delicious leftovers to preserve.

The 2000 Year Old Man called Saran Wrap “the greatest thing devised by man. You can look through it, you can put three olives in it, you can put 10 sandwiches in it – it’s clear, it clings and it sticks.” When subsequently asked about the space program, he shrugged, “That was good.” So much for age bringing wisdom.

Whence comes my vitriol? The effective use of plastic wrap must require some sub-set of skills that I am devoid of. I can make a bed, hospital-corners and all, that you can bounce a dime off of. I can wrap a present, pretty as you please. I can do higher mathematics and the NYT Crossword everyday but Saturday. But when it comes to plastic wrap, I’m a zero.

My sister, who worked in a cheese shop in high school, has a black belt in Saran. She can wrap a wedge so tight and neat you’d swear it was done by machine. She always advises me to just buy the cheapest kind, but even when I try with her wrap in her kitchen, I fail abjectly.

It must be something coded into the DNA – a genetic signal my sister has that I lack. Like being able to roll your tongue, taste the soap in cilantro, or whether your second toe is longer than your first.

Searching the net for images of Saran Wrap (let’s see how the other half lives), I’m shocked by the number of scandalous female pics. I recently heard about an erotic, plastic wrapped scene on the TV show Pushing Daisies. Men seem fascinated with using it as a material for a third sock. I prefer sex a little more dirty.

But I digress. Let’s start with that cutter thingy that seems designed to cut everything but the intended. You’d think by now there’d be some multi-million-dollar headline-grabbing lawsuit about some poor fool who decapitated himself trying to wrap an egg salad sandwich. A lawyer should accompany every box.

I know that I’m going to need more than I think, so I pull out yards of the stuff. When I go to cut, it snags, and then rips, in the perpendicular direction than intended. In the course of this commotion, the other end of the wrap becomes a wrap ball. Trying to detangle the ball is a fool’s errand and after several aborted attempts and restarts, I may eventually end up with a reasonable piece. But something funny has now occurred. It won’t stick to anything. It’s fundamental atomic structure has changed and my anticipated success vanishes. Even wrapping around and around the object-to-be-stored, in the hopes that the wrap will at least stick to itself, as I can attest to just by the glittering balls littering the kitchen tile, results in failure. I consider using duct tape. Or a noose.

All I wanted to do was wrap some chicken.


Don’t even get me started on Reynolds™ Wrap. Or rice.
-ramon

Hi,

A few years ago, I learned an elderly cousin is a heavy duty user of plastic wrap. I bought her commercial-sized plastic wrap from Costco as a gift, which I assumed was a lifetime supply. I joked I was likely to inherit back from her. To my surprise, she goes through a container every 5 months. When she nears the end, I am contacted for more because life is not complete without the plastic wrap.

My experience with these huge rolls is very different. I use plastic wrap so little that the one commercial sized plastic wrap purchase lasted too long. After several years, I was not even halfway through the roll. The box was getting beat up and the cutting blade had gone missing. I gave it to my cousin who stapled a new blade on, then finished it up in a few months.

I never thought of my cousin as obsessive-compulsive, but her speedy use of plastic wrap has left me wondering.

Regards,

Ramon wrote:My sister, who worked in a cheese shop in high school, has a black belt in Saran. She can wrap a wedge so tight and neat you’d swear it was done by machine. She always advises me to just buy the cheapest kind, but even when I try with her wrap in her kitchen, I fail abjectly.

That's interesting, because I alway think Saran Wrap is less snarly than cheaper brands.

I too hate Saran Wrap...But I LOVE Press and Seal (and not in the old sock sense). Press and Seal is what Saran Wrap always promised to be, but never was.

Agree with Cathy2.

Every three years, I head off to GFS Marketplace and buy a HUGE 500 ft roll of 12" wrap for $9 and use it to cover everything. In fact, I prefer using the wrap over plastic bags.

When people see the roll in my kitchen, they want to know where to buy one. I think I have bought a dozen rolls for other people.

When I worked in a commercial kitchen, we bought a brand that perforated in a manner similar to paper towel. I believe the brand name was Vita Film.

Ramon wrote:My sister, who worked in a cheese shop in high school, has a black belt in Saran. She can wrap a wedge so tight and neat you’d swear it was done by machine. She always advises me to just buy the cheapest kind, but even when I try with her wrap in her kitchen, I fail abjectly.

I always have the least trouble with the cheaper ones, too. Meijer's generic brand is pretty good but the razor strip detached from the box; so far I'm having good luck with the generic Target brand- the razor strip seems much sturdier than the Meijer's one.

Those commercial boxes are really good though, if you've got the space for them.

I just can't get into the Press & Seal stuff. For some stuff it works, depending on the material you're trying to stick it to, but certain things, it just doesn't work.

Ramon--I feel your pain. I cannot ever get a smooth cut with plastic wrap. It is always jagged. The piece I cut-off is always too big or too small. Often, there is no adhesion to the item that I am intending to wrap. It is just frustrating.

Not to mention the fact that my roommate clearly thinks my inability to use this product is the result of my stupidity or carelessness. Many people do not realize the inherent evilness of this product, but perhaps this thread will raise awareness.

We used to use the large commercial rolls too, and indeed, I can operate those like a pro...but the smaller consumer rolls - no good for me either. We don't have room to leave a big roll out on the counter in our current kitchen, so I've switched entirely to the Glad Press N' Seal Wrap. Its a little more expensive than Saran, but I can use it efficiently, without a lot of waste.

...And it comes with little ghosts and pumpkins on the wrap at halloween, and that makes me strangely happy.

There is just not enough weight in the standard consumer pack to hold down the package.

Saran Wrap is just too darned expensive.

wak wrote:I too hate Saran Wrap...But I LOVE Press and Seal (and not in the old sock sense). Press and Seal is what Saran Wrap always promised to be, but never was.

YES!!!

Press and Seal is the shizznit!!

Cathy2 wrote:...her speedy use of plastic wrap has left me wondering.

Could she be slipcovering the sofas?

My Saran Wrap skills have improved considerably since I got granite counter tops. I cut a piece big enough for the job and stick it to the counter. Then I put the food item on the square of plastic wrap and wrap it one corner or side at a time.

Hi folks,

There's a Saran wrap equivalent that most research laboratories use called Parafilm. It actually stretches considerably and is quite hardy and flexible. Used properly, it seals/wraps stuff like nobody's business. I haven't actually tried using it in my kitchen but I just might soon for a scientific analysis of the benefits of Saran vs. Parafilm (yes, this is a pretty darn good application of my PhD in biology, I know).

The challenge/drawback? The parafilm my lab uses comes in rolls of 4 inches wide. I know they're also sold in large sheets. But looking at the price, I can already conclude that Saran's benefit-to-price ratio is way higher than Parafilm.

marias23 wrote:Hi folks,

There's a Saran wrap equivalent that most research laboratories use called Parafilm. It actually stretches considerably and is quite hardy and flexible. Used properly, it seals/wraps stuff like nobody's business. I haven't actually tried using it in my kitchen but I just might soon for a scientific analysis of the benefits of Saran vs. Parafilm (yes, this is a pretty darn good application of my PhD in biology, I know).

The challenge/drawback? The parafilm my lab uses comes in rolls of 4 inches wide. I know they're also sold in large sheets. But looking at the price, I can already conclude that Saran's benefit-to-price ratio is way higher than Parafilm.

Yes!! One of the things I miss most about working in a lab is parafilm. That stuff is awesome! Stretchy, waterproof, and airtight... Saran Wrap is a poor, pale ghost in comparison. My lab was also stocked with the really thick type of Saran Wrap that doesn't get all tangled up in itself like the normal stuff. I haven't been able to find this super heavy duty version (not Premium, not Classic or Original) in any retail store.