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"Bad" Food Jokes

"Bad" Food Jokes
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    Post #1 - August 19th, 2007, 8:39 pm
    Post #1 - August 19th, 2007, 8:39 pm Post #1 - August 19th, 2007, 8:39 pm
    a place for food jokes, dumb or not

    So this traveling salesmen is driving down this county road when he sees a pig with a wooden leg. Intrigued, he pulls over and confronts the idle overalled farmer with a hay sprig jutting out of his maw.

    “Hey, Jeb, what’s with the pig with the wooden leg?”

    Well … you see … that thar pig …saved my son the other day. He dang near drowned in the pond and the pig pulled him out, pumped his stomach, did that CPR by the book, he did, and my boy escaped death, again. I love that thar pig.

    “OK, Jeb, but what’s with the wooden leg.”

    Well … you see … a pig that good … you’re not going to eat him all at once!

    -ramon
  • Post #2 - May 27th, 2009, 3:54 pm
    Post #2 - May 27th, 2009, 3:54 pm Post #2 - May 27th, 2009, 3:54 pm
    This post should be revived. Does no one have any food-related jokes?
    I want to have a good body, but not as much as I want dessert. ~ Jason Love

    There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

    I write fiction. You can find me—and some stories—on Facebook, Twitter and my website.
  • Post #3 - May 27th, 2009, 4:29 pm
    Post #3 - May 27th, 2009, 4:29 pm Post #3 - May 27th, 2009, 4:29 pm
    Well since the OP said dumb or not, here's the classic from Trading Places:

    Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' on each side of it.

    Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Hey, look at that S-car go!"

    :D
    Fettuccine alfredo is mac and cheese for adults.
  • Post #4 - May 27th, 2009, 8:36 pm
    Post #4 - May 27th, 2009, 8:36 pm Post #4 - May 27th, 2009, 8:36 pm
    What does a pirate charge for corn?


    a Buck an ear.
  • Post #5 - May 27th, 2009, 11:29 pm
    Post #5 - May 27th, 2009, 11:29 pm Post #5 - May 27th, 2009, 11:29 pm
    When I lived in northern Spain I met a guy from Dublin who had been following the correos in Andalucia, and told us this story:

    "So one week I was watching the bullfight in Ronda in the beautiful old ring high on the cliff overlooking the valley. Right next door there is the best restaurant in the world: tapas, sherry from the coast, olive oil from the groves right there, oranges straight from the tree in the courtyard. I ordered suckling pig and potatoes, and just as I'm washing it down with my tird glass of sangria, a gigantic sizzling plate with two great mounds of meat comes out o' the kitchen. I ask the waiter: what's that? He explains that at the end of the night they serve the bull's pelotas de cojon - testicles - straight from the fight of the day, to the table of honor. They seemed like quite the Hemingway thing to have!

    So of course, I stay in Ronda for an extra night and a day (and the night's a separate story, and none o' your business). I go to the museum and a wine tasting instead of the ring, and head back to the restaurant when the fight's over. I tip well to get the best table and wait for the end of the evening and order the pelotas. They come out all sizzling and smelling of fire and brimstone and macho, and I eat 'em up. Delicious, and I'm quite the man now. When la cuenta comes, I send my compliments to the chef but do quietly ask the waiter why they seemed so much smaller than the previous night.

    'Señor,' he looks down at me, gravely. 'Sometime the bull wins.' "
  • Post #6 - May 28th, 2009, 7:39 am
    Post #6 - May 28th, 2009, 7:39 am Post #6 - May 28th, 2009, 7:39 am
    Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

    Because they taste funny.
  • Post #7 - May 28th, 2009, 12:14 pm
    Post #7 - May 28th, 2009, 12:14 pm Post #7 - May 28th, 2009, 12:14 pm
    Someone posted this in a comment on my blog:



    An old man lives by himself. Every year, he plants (replants?) a tomato garden, and every year, his only son helps him dig and break up the tough soil on which the garden is planted. One year, however, the son gets arrested, and is still in prison when tomato garden planting time rolls around. At a loss as to how to plant the garden without his son, the old man sends his son a letter:

    Dear Son,
    I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot with me.
    Love, Dad

    A few days later, the son responds:

    Dear Dad,
    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
    Love, your son

    The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrive and dig up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologize to the old man and leave. That same day the old man receives another letter from his son, which reads:

    Dear Dad,
    Sorry I couldn’t be there in person, but go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, your son
  • Post #8 - May 28th, 2009, 1:06 pm
    Post #8 - May 28th, 2009, 1:06 pm Post #8 - May 28th, 2009, 1:06 pm
    Didja hear the one about the butcher who accidentally backed into his grinding machine?

    He got a little behind in his work. :roll:
    Gypsy Boy

    "I am not a glutton--I am an explorer of food." (Erma Bombeck)
  • Post #9 - May 28th, 2009, 3:19 pm
    Post #9 - May 28th, 2009, 3:19 pm Post #9 - May 28th, 2009, 3:19 pm
    From South Park...

    Do you like fishsticks? Do you like putting fishsticks in your mouth?
    -Josh

    I've started blogging about the Stuff I Eat
  • Post #10 - May 28th, 2009, 4:13 pm
    Post #10 - May 28th, 2009, 4:13 pm Post #10 - May 28th, 2009, 4:13 pm
    jesteinf wrote:From South Park...

    Do you like fishsticks? Do you like putting fishsticks in your mouth?


    You may enjoy the comments and images in this thread.
  • Post #11 - May 28th, 2009, 7:58 pm
    Post #11 - May 28th, 2009, 7:58 pm Post #11 - May 28th, 2009, 7:58 pm
    Gypsy Boy wrote:Didja hear the one about the butcher who accidentally backed into his grinding machine?

    He got a little behind in his work. :roll:

    And then his assistant backed a live cow into it...

    Udder destruction. :lol:
    What is patriotism, but the love of good things we ate in our childhood?
    -- Lin Yutang
  • Post #12 - June 1st, 2009, 9:52 am
    Post #12 - June 1st, 2009, 9:52 am Post #12 - June 1st, 2009, 9:52 am
    What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

    Nacho cheese

    Zing!
  • Post #13 - June 1st, 2009, 1:36 pm
    Post #13 - June 1st, 2009, 1:36 pm Post #13 - June 1st, 2009, 1:36 pm
    I've always been partial to The Tapeworm Joke, a nice mixture of food and Skinnerian operant conditioning. Beware: not for those skittish about bodily orifi.

    Punchline: And the doc instantly pops the little head with the hammer: bonk and that's the end of the problem.

    Geo
    Sooo, you like wine and are looking for something good to read? Maybe *this* will do the trick! :)
  • Post #14 - June 2nd, 2009, 5:36 am
    Post #14 - June 2nd, 2009, 5:36 am Post #14 - June 2nd, 2009, 5:36 am
    Guy walks into a diner, orders a hamburger and a hot dog.

    Waitress comes back with just the hamburger, tucked under her arm, right in her armpit.

    Guy asks: "what's with that?"

    Waitress says: "I'm keeping it warm."

    Guy says: "Cancel the hot dog!"
    See, I'm an idea man, Chuck. I got ideas coming at me all day. Hey, I got it! Take LIVE tuna fish and FEED 'em mayonnaise!

    -Michael Keaton's character in Night Shift
  • Post #15 - June 2nd, 2009, 7:53 am
    Post #15 - June 2nd, 2009, 7:53 am Post #15 - June 2nd, 2009, 7:53 am
    Guy walks into Club Lago orders an egg white omelet.

    Waiter says: "egg white only is .50c more.

    Guy says: "give me the yolks to go"
    One minute to Wapner.
    Raymond Babbitt

    Low & Slow
  • Post #16 - June 2nd, 2009, 8:10 am
    Post #16 - June 2nd, 2009, 8:10 am Post #16 - June 2nd, 2009, 8:10 am
    G Wiv wrote:Guy walks into Club Lago orders an egg white omelet.

    Waiter says: "egg white only is .50c more.

    Guy says: "give me the yolks to go"


    Gary....I'm touched you remembered one of my better scams.
    See, I'm an idea man, Chuck. I got ideas coming at me all day. Hey, I got it! Take LIVE tuna fish and FEED 'em mayonnaise!

    -Michael Keaton's character in Night Shift
  • Post #17 - June 2nd, 2009, 9:07 am
    Post #17 - June 2nd, 2009, 9:07 am Post #17 - June 2nd, 2009, 9:07 am
    A weary traveler decides to take refuge in a nice, Jewish restaurant. The waiter comes to his table:

    Waiter: Sir, what can I get for you today?

    Traveler: [sighs heavily] I'd like nothing more than a bowl of kreplach soup, and a kind word for a stranger who is far from his home.

    [The waiter nods and disappears into the kitchen. In a few minutes, he returns with the bowl of soup.]

    Waiter: Here you are, sir, one bowl of soup.

    Traveler: And what about the kind word?

    Water: [leans over and whispers into the man's ear] Don't eat the kreplach!
  • Post #18 - June 3rd, 2009, 7:20 am
    Post #18 - June 3rd, 2009, 7:20 am Post #18 - June 3rd, 2009, 7:20 am
    . . . and how could we not include the "ketchup" joke from Pulp Fiction:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrGeOHpEGk0
    "The fork with two prongs is in use in northern Europe. In England, they’re armed with a steel trident, a fork with three prongs. In France we have a fork with four prongs; it’s the height of civilization." Eugene Briffault (1846)
  • Post #19 - June 3rd, 2009, 10:24 am
    Post #19 - June 3rd, 2009, 10:24 am Post #19 - June 3rd, 2009, 10:24 am
    plays better verbally but:

    two peanuts were walking down the street. one was a salted.
  • Post #20 - June 5th, 2009, 6:46 pm
    Post #20 - June 5th, 2009, 6:46 pm Post #20 - June 5th, 2009, 6:46 pm
    I'm not sure if this site has been linked here before, but it's fantastic:

    http://www.oldjewstellingjokes.com/

    Scroll way down for the one titled "pork."
  • Post #21 - December 1st, 2009, 2:15 pm
    Post #21 - December 1st, 2009, 2:15 pm Post #21 - December 1st, 2009, 2:15 pm
    My yoga teacher is a foodie who loves bad jokes. I was away for almost 2 weeks meditating and fasting, and he sent me this message today to welcome me back:

    while you were gone, the dalai lama stopped by chicago.
    he went to demon dogs.
    when asked what he wanted, he replied "make me 1 with everything"...
  • Post #22 - December 1st, 2009, 5:04 pm
    Post #22 - December 1st, 2009, 5:04 pm Post #22 - December 1st, 2009, 5:04 pm
    happy_stomach wrote:My yoga teacher is a foodie who loves bad jokes. I was away for almost 2 weeks meditating and fasting, and he sent me this message today to welcome me back:

    while you were gone, the dalai lama stopped by chicago.
    he went to demon dogs.
    when asked what he wanted, he replied "make me 1 with everything"...


    Ha! Love that one.
    I want to have a good body, but not as much as I want dessert. ~ Jason Love

    There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

    I write fiction. You can find me—and some stories—on Facebook, Twitter and my website.
  • Post #23 - December 4th, 2009, 7:03 am
    Post #23 - December 4th, 2009, 7:03 am Post #23 - December 4th, 2009, 7:03 am
    The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate. :lol:
    The most dangerous food to eat is wedding cake.
    Proverb
  • Post #24 - December 7th, 2009, 11:59 am
    Post #24 - December 7th, 2009, 11:59 am Post #24 - December 7th, 2009, 11:59 am
    I can be obsessive about types of jokes sometimes. Used to be able to rattle off 30 lightbulb jokes whether anybody wanted to hear that many or not.

    Without further ado, some "waiter, waiter" jokes:


    Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
    Don't worry sir that spider on your bread will soon get him !

    Waiter, do you have frogs legs ?
    No sir, I've always walked like this.

    Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
    Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...

    Waiter, there is a fly in the butter !
    Yes sir, it's a butterfly!

    Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup.
    Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.

    Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup !
    Don't worry sir, they don't eat much !

    Waiter, there is a dead fly swimming in my soup !
    Don't be silly, dead flies can't swim !

    Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
    Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.

    Waiter, this soup tastes funny !
    Then why aren't you laughing ?

    Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
    That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

    Waiter, this coffee is terrible, it tastes like earth !
    Yes sir, it was ground yesterday !

    Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
    Just you wait until you see the main course !

    Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
    Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

    Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae ?
    Skiing sir !

    Waiter, there is a small slug in this lettuce
    I'm sorry sir, would you like me to get you a bigger one ?

    Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
    No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

    Waiter, there is a beetle in my soup !
    Sorry sir, we're out of flies today !

    Waiter, there is a wasp in my pudding !
    So that's where they go in winter !

    Waiter, there is a slug in my salad !
    Sorry madam, no pets allowed !

    Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
    Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

    Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup !
    It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir !

    Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup ?
    It looks like it's learning to swim sir.

    Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
    Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!

    Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
    Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.

    Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
    I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.

    Waiter, why is there a fly in my ice cream ?
    Perhaps he likes winter sports !

    Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
    Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

    Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
    Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.

    Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
    Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

    Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup !
    No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one !

    Waiter, there are two flies in my soup !
    That's alright sir, have the extra one on me !

    Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup !
    Oh no, who will look after his family !

    Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
    What do you expect for 2 dollars - a live one?

    Waiter, there's a fly in my soup !
    Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them !

    Waiter, there is a frog in my soup !
    Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !

    Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
    Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

    Waiter, there's a fly in my custard !
    I'll fetch him a spoon sir !

    Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
    Yes sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor !

    Waiter, there is a slug in my salad !
    I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise you where a vegetarian !

    Waiter, what is this stuff?
    That's bean salad sir.
    I know what it's been, but what is it now?



    . . . and this is an EDITED list.

    Giovanna
    =o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=

    "Enjoy every sandwich."

    -Warren Zevon
  • Post #25 - December 7th, 2009, 1:19 pm
    Post #25 - December 7th, 2009, 1:19 pm Post #25 - December 7th, 2009, 1:19 pm
    Here is one my young niece enjoys:

    If you mustard then please poupon dijon.
  • Post #26 - December 7th, 2009, 4:08 pm
    Post #26 - December 7th, 2009, 4:08 pm Post #26 - December 7th, 2009, 4:08 pm
    Giovanna wrote:I can be obsessive about types of jokes sometimes. Used to be able to rattle off 30 lightbulb jokes whether anybody wanted to hear that many or not.

    Without further ado, some "waiter, waiter" jokes:


    I sent this list on to people. Go ahead and post the rest! :lol:
    I want to have a good body, but not as much as I want dessert. ~ Jason Love

    There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

    I write fiction. You can find me—and some stories—on Facebook, Twitter and my website.
  • Post #27 - May 5th, 2010, 2:39 pm
    Post #27 - May 5th, 2010, 2:39 pm Post #27 - May 5th, 2010, 2:39 pm
    A tourist went to Australia and was injured, prompting him to head to Mercy Hospital. During his stay, a nurse offered a special tea to make him well.
    "It's a special brew infused from the fur of koalas, mate," he informed his patient. After one sip, the tourist spat it out across the room.
    "That's disgusting! There's still hair in it!"
    "Yes sir. The koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

    Har har!! Puns is funny.
    I want to have a good body, but not as much as I want dessert. ~ Jason Love

    There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

    I write fiction. You can find me—and some stories—on Facebook, Twitter and my website.
  • Post #28 - September 8th, 2011, 8:11 am
    Post #28 - September 8th, 2011, 8:11 am Post #28 - September 8th, 2011, 8:11 am
    Not really a food joke, but it made me laugh nonetheless:

    What do McDonald's coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?

    They both suck without cream.
    I want to have a good body, but not as much as I want dessert. ~ Jason Love

    There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

    I write fiction. You can find me—and some stories—on Facebook, Twitter and my website.
  • Post #29 - September 8th, 2011, 8:46 am
    Post #29 - September 8th, 2011, 8:46 am Post #29 - September 8th, 2011, 8:46 am
    happy_stomach wrote:My yoga teacher is a foodie who loves bad jokes. I was away for almost 2 weeks meditating and fasting, and he sent me this message today to welcome me back:

    while you were gone, the dalai lama stopped by chicago.
    he went to demon dogs.
    when asked what he wanted, he replied "make me 1 with everything"...


    You forgot to finish it...

    The Dali Lama hands the cashier a $10 bill. The cashier starts to take the next order so the Dali Lama says "Hey! Where's my change!”, to which the cashier replies "Change comes from within".

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