Worst-Case Scenario Recipes

I stumbled across one woman's recipe web page this morning and nearly fell out of my chair in a mixture of laughter and horror:

http://www.amberpawlik.com/Recipes.html

The Chicken Cheesy Hashbrowns recipe is my personal favorite.

Antonius, please do not read her pizza recipe. I fear that you might injure yourself.

Best,
Michael / EC

(If you decided to go read the rest of her site to find out more about this woman and discuss here further, remember, no politics, please)

Some things move me to feelings of deep religiousity.

"Please, dear, merciful Lord, don't ever let me be invited to this woman's house for dinner. Amen."

Giovanna

Oh my god, I should not have followed that link right after eating breakfast

From the "pizza" recipe:

You can use mayo, but miracle whip is better for this recipe as you want more of a taste

These recipies sound like something you can se on the Food TV show, "Semi-homemade Cooking", my least favorite cooking show ever.

But at least they won't poison anyone. I have seen recipies that would be quite likely to cause food poisoning. Don't worry, I have no intention of sharing them.

She considers this "cooking?"

Michael:

Thanks for the warning! I took some sedatives, let them go to work and then clicked on the link.

A new emoticon is needed:
:puke: :puke: :puke:

To which I add:


I also clicked on her home link and from there checked out her fascintating and insightful piece on Islam (:shock:)... But beware, I clicked on something else (about assault weapons) and it froze up my computer (:evil: ).

I just hope this person isn't allowed to reproduce.

Thanks for sharing!

A

P.S. How did you come across that?

Yikes!

This woman gave up soda because of all the empty calories. She said it was "Pure and simple. It is not only carbs but empty carbs - ones that do a lot of bad things to your body, including putting on weight."

But hashbrownsinabag annointed with a giant block of velveeta and a jar of mayo--no empty calories there...perfectly healthy. A vegetable really. And Amber does like to use remove all of the skin and fat from her chicken breast--thank god--before she unleashes a bottle of honey mustard BBQ sauce on them.

Crazy. Pure, unadulterated crazy.

Amata wrote:Oh my god, I should not have followed that link right after eating breakfast

From the "pizza" recipe:

You can use mayo, but miracle whip is better for this recipe as you want more of a taste

What a coincidence!! I had rice and mayo for dinner last night... But I justify that since I used the Japanese kewpie mayo instead of Kraft...

I would love to see the expression on Antonius' face when he walks into a pizza place in Asia and sees the seafood pizza with tonkatsu sauce and mayo...

I make both of these things and add corn, and it's quite good. I also like this meal with my favorite wine: cabernet sauvignon. MmmmMMMmmm

Antonius wrote:P.S. How did you come across that?

It is today's "Cruel Site of the Day"

Edit: I have removed the url and link to this site because in hindsight, it's probably not quite appropriate to link to it from here.

Warning: This site often links to a variety of sites which may be horribly offensive, disgusting, pornographic, or just plain wrong. Many times, the links are just odd or funny but sometimes not. This site is not for children or anyone who is easily offended.

Didn't realize the LTH'ers were such a bunch of condescending snobs. With a little tweaking we could help this person out.

Substitue lamb sausage for beef and you've got some interesting nachos.

A beautiful aged Canadian cheddar and garlic aioli instead of veleveeta and mayo and this hash brown dish could be served in any restaurant.

Boboli crust for crescent rolls and you'll never go to Vito and Nick's again.

Ragu instead of her homemade sauce with the shells would bring Tony Mantuano to his knees.

Dessert-can't improve on perfection. Gale Gand-take notes

As somebody who spent more than a decade reading the entries to a weekly cooking contest, I can tell you that this is the way a lot of people cook and eat.

Variations on that veggie "pizza" recipe are all over the Internet, and I have seen it served at a number of parties given by nonfoodies. It's usually very popular.

I also note that the author of the site is 24 years old and much of the writing dates from her college days.

I once had to judge a slow cooker recipe contest. Believe it or not, Amber's recipes seem pretty sophisticated compared with those gems. We called them "Dump-Dumps," because almost every recipe called for dumping a can of something over a hunk of meat.

My favorite, and GH will back me up on this, was a whole chicken over which you dumped half a bottle of soy sauce and a can of orange soda (three ingredients; that's it). Thinking it might make some sort of orange-y soy glaze -- and because it just sounded so incredibly bad -- I just had to test it. It smelled like burnt orange peel, tasted worse, and there was no glaze, just a shriveled chicken floating in grease, soy sauce and Orange Crush. Yum-mayyy.

Yes, much of the US eats this way. I know because I'm related to quite a few of them. One aunt used to make shells stuffed with store-bought cole slaw (such a cooling dish for summer!). The veggie pizza is a regular appetizer during the holidays at various family members.

My husband's aunt, who we lived with for awhile, as well as his grandfather (then 104) was a strange cook. Salad was iceberg on a plate, with something--either sliced tomato, canned fruit and/or cottage cheese. Grandpa used to sprinkle sugar on his salad instead of dressing (not much different, content wise, than most bottled dressings). Aunt saved the syrup from the fruit (in the can, we can just think of lead as an extra nutrient, right) until she had enough to cover chicken thighs which she would bake. Nothing else, just the chicken and syrup. At least they stayed moist:-)

One of her best recipes, oddly enough I mean best tasting, were cocktail meatballs made with canned ground ham and Franco-American spaghetti. These were mixed together and cooked in a crockpot with a brown-sugar based glaze. I never actually saw her make them, they were always ready when I got home from work. I always wondered where she found ground ham, and imagined her in a long-time relationship with a butcher, as I never saw ground ham in the markets. Then I finallly asked and she said she just purchased a canned ham and asked the butcher to grind it. So I guess that qualifies:-)

She could roast a leg of lamb, but leftovers got turned into a horrible version of biscuits and gravy with a gravy tasting of lamb tallow and the biscuits usually leftover ones that were dried out when reheated.

Culinary challenges aside, it was a wonderful time spent with two (three if you include my then-future husband) amazing people.

These same kind of recipes are also propagated by wanna-be-gourmet parties such as The Pampered Chef. While they do make some nice, overpriced bakeware and utensils, the hostess inevitably makes one of these sorts of recipes: pizzas made from crescent rolls, deserts made by rolling out refrigerator cookie dough and spiking it with craisins...

My sister-in-law has a must-make appetizer for parties that turns my stomach just to think about it, but it's quite the hit for most everyone else: German hard salami spread with cream cheese and wrapped around dill pickles and sliced, giving you sort of a sushi-from-hell appearance. With garlicky salami and/or pickles, I could probably stomach it, but it gives this Jewish-raised food snob the willies every time I see it.

My inlaw family in Peoria cooks like this, all very bland. My SIL and MIL got into a heated debate one holiday over whether or not it's ok to substitute golden cream of mushroom soup for regular cream of mushroom soup in the green bean casseole. My MIL makes the cheesy hash brown thing that everyone (down there) looks forward to her bringing. Worst was one of the cousins frying a package of ramen noodles in 2 sticks of butter to make her "healthy" salad. They think what we bring is "weird" however this Easter the vegetable lasgna we brought got eaten more than the dry ham did!

Regarding ground ham, you know, ground ham is rather a common ingredient in Cuban cooking. Picadillo, for example, should be made with ground pork and ground ham as well as ground beef. It's hardly ever done anymore but it makes quite a difference.

I've never seen ground ham for sale. I'm sure the girls at Andy's Deli would grind some for me, though. I would be very wary of pre-ground ham at a deli anyway. Not as much as the mayo-based salad at Jewel made from the expired baloney, ham and cheese, mind you.

I am a food snob. I admit it. My family totally cooks like this as well, and since we're sharing horror stories:

How about a "salad" made with Cool Whip and spaghetti???

Marinated Sweet & Sour Carrots made with a can of tomato soup

"Million Dollar Salad" -- sweetened condensed milk, cool whip, ReaLemon, pineapple in a graham cracker crust. This is a salad??

Finally, I cooked for a baby shower (all salads, NONE involving Cool Whip). The other hostess jumped right in with her favorite salad: something with miniature Snickers bars and Cool Whip of course! Hers was eaten -- while some of my lovely salads (like orzo with roasted vegetables) were untouched.

Hey, I'm as much of a food snob as anyone else, particualrly when I am responsible for the food on the plate, but I will admit to enjoying a handful of recipes that probably came off of a can. They come from a Polish American Berwynese lady I know. She can cook Polish really well. Yet, there is room on the tavola Berwynese for several White Trash foods next to the hand-made pierogies and such. Many I don't like. Two I hate myself for.

Exhibit A: Appalachian Bruschetta (my term): crumbled and skillet-browned country sausage (hot Tennessee Pride's good) mixed with a block of good Velveeta, then smeared onto slices of miniature rye bread and oven browned/toasted. Yep.

Exhibit B: The Magic cookie/7 layer cookie. (I'm winging this, but I think it's close): in a shallow casserole layer in rough strata, (1) Graham cracker crumbs mixed with tons of meted salted butter, (2) grated coconut, (3) butterscotch "chips", (4) a can of condensed milk, (5) chocolate chips (6) chopped nuts, (7) more chips. Bake.

JeffB wrote:Exhibit B: The Magic cookie/7 layer cookie. (I'm winging this, but I think it's close): in a shallow casserole layer in rough strata, (1) Graham cracker crumbs mixed with tons of meted salted butter, (2) grated coconut, (3) butterscotch "chips", (4) a can of condensed milk, (5) chocolate chips (6) chopped nuts, (7) more chips. Bake.

Yep. Had them in coffee shops once or twice. Darned tasty in their way. I suggest this cookie recipe to friends who don't like to cook.

RevrendAndy wrote:Didn't realize the LTH'ers were such a bunch of condescending snobs. With a little tweaking we could help this person out.

Substitue lamb sausage for beef and you've got some interesting nachos.

A beautiful aged Canadian cheddar and garlic aioli instead of veleveeta and mayo and this hash brown dish could be served in any restaurant.

Boboli crust for crescent rolls and you'll never go to Vito and Nick's again.

Ragu instead of her homemade sauce with the shells would bring Tony Mantuano to his knees.

Dessert-can't improve on perfection. Gale Gand-take notes

Boy, I can't tell if you're being ironic or not. I'm hoping so. I wince a bit at being accused of being a snob. I've enjoyed eating the "pizza with fresh veggies & cream cheese on refrigerator roll" thing at parties - not too bad when fresh & well-prepared. I use plenty of short-cuts feeding myself [tho you can do SO much better than a Boboli shell for a quick pizza....], but I can't have a favorable attitude toward someone who CHOOSES to cook exclusively with chemical "food" stuffs and is proud of it. I think the pride in bad cooking is what makes me pray to be kept distant from this woman's kitchen. It's the same pride in ignorance that has people saying things along the line of "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"

Oh, now I've done it. Politics & religion & food.
No wonder I'm not allowed in polite company....

Giovanna

Hi,

The presence of sweetened condensed milk is hardly the hallmark of white trash cooking. Evaporated and sweetened condensed milk were products developed in the 1850's to preserve milk in hot climates, where milk spoiled rapidly.

I notice people seem to enjoy their Key Lime Pies. Graham cracker crust made of crushed graham crackers, sugar and melted butter, which is pressed into the pie pan. The filling? Key lime juice, egg yolks and sweetened condensed milk --- WOW 3 ingredients long! Refrigerate or freeze.

I guess Key Lime Pie has shifted from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Regards,

There seems to be more than a topic's fair share of sarcasm here. I might be as guilty as any. But I want to state that I meant no offense by the term White Trash -- though it is not a term I really like or use much because it is, at its heart, pejorative not only about the group it describes but about other "not-white" people who, presumably, need no modifier such as "trash" to be belittled by those who coined the term. Sorry if I offended anyone. What I meant to do was invoke particularly the various White Trash cookbooks available in any bookstore, which contain recipes culled partly from convenience food packaging.

As regards the glories of condensed milk, you are preaching to the choir. Let me re-emphasize that I like the recipes I posted. They result in good-tasting, wholesome, if perhaps caloric and fatty, entrees and desserts. Nothing wrong with a good, spicy country style breakfast sausage, especially.

I have around the house several cans of condensed milk at all times, just as I have tins of various shellfish and chorizos in lard. Condensed milk has many fine and noble uses, particularly in Latin America, a region close to my heart. Tres leches cakes, bubble shakes, pudin diplomatico (which has condensed milk and canned fruit cocktail, but was once the fanciest thing one could serve in certain places), chinese donuts, Vietnamese coffee and many other good foods benefit from an association with condensed milk. Condensed milk and malta fatten my children. I love condensed milk.

There was something else a little too subtle in my post, too. Neither of the recipes I posted depends particularly on some ingredient that is heinous because of its overly-processed, modern, fast-food nature. One might quibble about the Velveeta, but it's basically cheese at some level. Maybe that's why I like the recipes. But to be fair, I really do think that the recipes came from consumer packaging, whether the milk can, the cracker crumb box, or the Velveeta box. Thus my mild embarrassment as a food "snob" at enjoying/making the recipes from time to time.

BTW, I'm sure (and I mean it literally) that condensed milk and Velveeta (not to mention SPAM, canned corned beef, and deviled ham) were developed of the same necessity.

That is too much. Antonius is right, we need a :puke: icon.

This one kind of looks disgusted. Stomach pains.

I just finished Laura Shapiro's "Something From the Oven" and had previously read her "Perfection Salad." She has carved out a little niche for herself exploring and tracking the history of all this sort of thing and the interactions between the growth of the prepared food industry, commercial agriculture, increase of women in the workplace, wartime austerity, depressions, etc. in alienating people from "real" food, from the act of cooking, from their own culinary histories and creating the perception that not only are things involving Jello, Coolwhip and marshmallows "salad," but that they are sophisticated, genteel, and better than what one could produce from actual food ingredients.

These are easy fun reads, crowded with laugh and/or gasp-inducing quotes and anecdotes. They certainly leave you counting your blessings as you put down the book and head out to the farmers' market.

Except that after we read Shapiro's Perfection Salad we must be sure to laugh a bit at ourselves, too, or engage in some self-reflection anyway, as we indulge in our own culinary pursuits. Shapiro is largely concerned with cooking and questions of gender and class, and the ways in which food has long been used as a emblem of one's place in society. She notes that middle-class women in the early 20th century embraced processed foods, in part, as a way of distinguishing themselves from their working-class counterparts with all their home-made "peasant" foods. But we too, she argues, use food to denote our superiority. Shapiro writes: "...our contemporary food craze shares more than a blinkered culinary outlook with the craze of the last century: both these manias reflect an obsession with class and style..." And, "like the food experts of the last century, today's enthusiasts are fully convinced they have rescued food from the barbarous prison of the past. Error and ignorance have been vanquished, according to the popular cooks and writers of our time, and Americans stand at last in culinary triumph over their own ignominious history." In fact, she finds more to criticize within today's culinary culture, for while she is similarly amused by all the Jello salads and whatnot created by earlier culinary pioneers, she gives many of them credit for their overriding concern with the diets of poor and working-class people (even though their "solutions" were quite often condescending and misguided at best), something she asserts current foodies have no interest in: "Today the national enthusiasm for food and cookery constitutes a more general expression of unashamed hedonism on the part of a middle-class that's pleased with itself...In striking contrast from the last century, today's food experts display little interest in the diets of the poor and hungry. Feeding the helpless is seen as a job for those with a professional interest in such things, not for lovers of fine cooking." Something to chew on, anyway. But, as Shapiro points out, the food sections of newspapers used to be devoted to shopping and cooking on a budget (and, for women increasingly part of the paid labor force, cooking in a hurry.) When is the last time you saw something about stretching a pound of ground beef over five days in the Food section of the Trib? Again, food for thought. Excuse the puns.

I skipped right to hashbrowns and nearly fell off my chair at 'Oneida or whatever they sell at the store'...went back only to find the nacho WARNING!

Cooking meatballs in sauce for only an hour could cause food poisoning. They certainly wouldn't be fully cooked. And you can't 'stir frequently' if meatballs in the sauce as they will fall apart...the whole sauce and meatball recipe is a mess - you'd need like 6 cans of tomatoes to cook that much meat. At least. And several hours. Trust me, I did it today.

Oh, and the veggie pizza is an old Pampered Chef recipe.

Christine

christine wrote:Cooking meatballs in sauce for only an hour could cause food poisoning. They certainly wouldn't be fully cooked.

My favorite meatball recipe simmers 30 minutes. The 1-inch meatballs cook through just fine.

I won't say Pawlik's is a well written recipe or a good one, but she does say "tiny meatballs" and I think she means to make the spaghetti sauce first, then add the meatballs and just neglects to mention how long they should cook.

JeffB wrote:
BTW, I'm sure (and I mean it literally) that condensed milk and Velveeta (not to mention SPAM, canned corned beef, and deviled ham) were developed of the same necessity.

Hey! Throw in Pillsbury Crescent Rolls & you've got yourself a $1,000,000 recipe!