Although Antonius' Panda Tomaquet is delicious, it's not the only option for The Other Black and White Meat (besides zebra):
http://www.seeuinhell.com/pandarecipes.htm
I especially like the tuna slogan at the bottom of the page.
P.S. On the other hand, this has to be the lamest story assignment ever given at Slate: "Get me Koerner-- I want to rip the lid off the whole dirty stinkin' racket that is--
Ranch dressing!"