This Week's New Yorker "Shouts and Murmurs"

I can't link it, but Joel Stein's "I Will Be Your Server" brought tears of laughter to me. "Have you dined with us before?" is the springboard. "Are you OK with that?" is the refrain. Very, very funny piece.

Sadly, a link* would only help minimally. It's behind lock and key (read: $$). You can pay for access or, if you're a subscriber, get it that way. Otherwise, you could buy it at the news stand. HOWEVER, this little piece is available gratis on their website.


ABSTRACT: SHOUTS & MURMURS about a waiter in a restaurant describing the unique ordering process to his customers.

“Welcome. Have you dined with us before?”
“No. It’s our first time.”
“Oh, that’s adorable. Well, I’m sure you’ve been to other restaurants, right?”
“Uh, sure. Yes.”
“Great. Well, none of that restaurant experience will help you tonight. Because we do things a little differently here.”
“That’s OK. We like different.”
“I’ll guide you through the process. First of all, we ask a lot of questions designed to make you feel insecure. Is everyone at the table O.K. with feeling insecure?”
“That’s why we go out to eat!”
“Great. We specialize in small plates. Have you heard of small plates?”
“Are they like plates, but small?”
“You’ll see that the menu is divided into four sections: Circle, Ring, Bolgia, and Round. Have you read Dante’s Inferno since college?”
“I’m not sure I read it in college. I was a business major. That’s why I can afford to eat here.”
“That’s fine. I have. When I go over the specials, I’m also going to be using a lot of made-up words. Have you read ‘Finnegans Wake’?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“No problem. I have a PhD in comp list. The shankton of wildrange fizzle comes with a side of foraged burrbark. That’s served roomcoldhappysad.” “We’ll definitely take one of those.”
....


* unless you meant that you are, in fact, capable of providing a link but that said link would not, in fact, be helpful. As I have belabored-ly explained.