(Lack of) Hospitality Horrors: Bad Parties

We're all into food and drink here. And I think we can all agree that when entertaining someone at your house, food and drink plays a big role in showing your hospitality, no matter if it's an impromptu get-together or a large, long-planned event. The food doesn't need to be elaborate, but there's has to be a bit of love behind it to show people you care.

Unfortunately, several of my friends are not foodies. Or I should say, several of my friends are unfortunately not foodies. (That's a different topic altogether.). But what has passed for "hospitality" (and I use these quotes in the manner intended) among these folks is disheartening.

Case in point. I recently traveled to Aurora for a baby shower. Due to the fact that some people were attending from north and northwest suburbs and the city to attend, several people had to leave their homes well-before the shower to allot for traffic and enough time to trek out to Aurora. Which meant that, by the time the shower occurred at 2 pm, several people were likely not to have eaten anything for lunch, or anything at all. After fighting traffic for over an hour, I'd also like to be offered a libation to cool my nerves.

Instead, we were offered a sickly sweet fruit punch to drink, and not even a sparkling wine to top it off or any other offer of an adult libation. As someone who drinks my carbs, I would have liked to decline and take water but the host insisted by shoving a glass in my hand. The food? Store-bought mini-muffins with a "handmade" lemon drizzle to make them semi-homemade a la Sandra Lee, mini-quiches which were practically gone by the time I arrived 15 minutes into the shower, and a big store-bought tray of Jewel or Wal-Mart crudites (carrots, celery and cucumbers) with store-bought vegetable dip. But how was the cake you say? No cake. Only store-bought frozen Sara Lee pies.

Now, I don't expect my friends to be Thomas Keller in the kitchen and put out an elaborate spread, but geez, even the most inept kitcheneer could show a little more hospitality.

Has anyone else ever felt like this or is it just because I'm a foodie that I'm placing undue emphasis on food and drink?

Quite often I find myself the victim of bad hospitality at events, manifested as a lack of any beverage offered, a policy of "if you need a plate go find one in the cabinets", and other annoyances.

aschie30, I think you might be confusing bad taste with bad hospitality. In your example, you were given a drink and offered food. Just because these were not to your taste doesn't necessarily make your host in-hospitable. If this person made the punch and muffins from scratch and you still hated them, would they be considered in-hospitable?

I have a family member who has many events and serves horrible store-bought items (which are far superior to her cooking, so I'm thankful she shops), but she is extremely hospitable, always offering something, taking a coat, etc. etc.

Best,
Michael

eatchicago wrote:aschie30, I think you might be confusing bad taste with bad hospitality. In your example, you were given a drink and offered food. Just because these were not to your taste doesn't necessarily make your host in-hospitable. If this person made the punch and muffins from scratch and you still hated them, would they be considered in-hospitable?

I have a family member who has many events and serves horrible store-bought items (which are far superior to her cooking, so I'm thankful she shops), but she is extremely hospitable, always offering something, taking a coat, etc. etc.

Best,
Michael

While taking someone's coat is a form of hospitality, I think my point is that food and drink are central to hospitality and what, in large part, makes people feel welcome. Which means that the host should also consider that people are traveling to attend this event, bringing a gift, and probably would appreciate not having to fight over the last mini-quiches, scraps of raw veggies and gluey store-bought muffins that don't even look attractive. To answer your question, though, if she had at least attempted homemade muffins that ultimately did not come out well, no I would not have a problem with that. Clearly, in that case, someone is trying to please others and trying to put some effort into doing that. Also, on the other hand, if she had purchased muffins from a place that tasted good, then I wouldn't have a problem with that, either. But when the "main meal" and drink are what I've described, at that point, it seems like most people would know that they are not even appearing to try to make their guests feel welcome and happy.

The funny thing is, I have a friend who is admittedly no cook and yet, at her events, everyone is well-fed and well-libated (not a word, but you get my point), even if that means you're having hot dogs and hamburgers at each meal.

Edited to make my point more coherent.

Maybe it's a baby shower thing. I went to a shower a little over a year ago, an event I was excited to attend since it was for a good friend. I knew it was a potluck from the invitation, but the main dishes were going to be provided by the hosts (friends of the then soon-to-be mom). I feel very guilty judging since I readily admit that the only culinary "skills" I possess are the ability to follow directions and the willingness to invest time in trying. So I arrived at the shower with an orzo salad (radicchio, basil, pinenuts, sun-dried tomatoes, etc--a recipe I had gotten from epicurious.com and which took me too long to make given my lack of knife skills). It turned out that the "main course" was vegetarian Subway sandwiches. 90% of the other contributions were store-bought and of the store-bought variety not at all appetizing to me. What I learned that day was that the shower was about collecting as many gifts as possible. For this, I don't completely blame the new parents. Food and drink were simply very low priorities--more, polite gestures than an integral part of the event.

Hi,

I think there are days you have to appreciate someone's best effort and enjoy the company. It may not be to your standards, then you have the opportunity to entertain them to yours. Maybe they will pick up some tips.

Regards,

happy_stomach wrote:So I arrived at the shower with an orzo salad (radicchio, basil, pinenuts, sun-dried tomatoes, etc--a recipe I had gotten from epicurious.com and which took me too long to make given my lack of knife skills). It turned out that the "main course" was vegetarian Subway sandwiches. 90% of the other contributions were store-bought and of the store-bought variety not at all appetizing to me.

HS,

You care about food on a number of levels, which why you are are hosting a Filipino dinner, posting on LTH and find walking up and down Devon in the rain great fun and 'they' are at Dominick's buying Steak-umms.

Enjoy,
Gary

I tend to agree with EC's distinction between bad taste and bad hospitality.

That said, many folks seem to illustrate both traits. I have a number of friends who simply don't see much difference between making something in their kitchens and letting Sara Lee do the work. In those cases, I take C2's advice, enjoy their company, and eat as little as possible.

On this board, we're very restaurant-focused, so we tend to think about service a lot more than many people. Hospitable behavior is simply not part of the repertoire of people you'd think would have some...you know...manners.

Cathy2 wrote:Hi,
I think there are days you have to appreciate someone's best effort and enjoy the company. It may not be to your standards, then you have the opportunity to entertain them to yours. Maybe they will pick up some tips.
Regards,

Amen (to Cathy2). I would like to think that I can appreciate and be grateful for good food (and drink), whether homemade or purchased elsewhere. But what I fear is in danger of getting lost here is the purpose of the event. Food and drink are not the purpose, the shower (or whatever) is. And while good food and drink can add to and make that event more enjoyable, the main reason for the get-together is to honor or celebrate the people and the event.

Believe me, I've driven my share of hours and eaten my share of less-than-stellar offerings, but I went to help celebrate with and for friends. Isn't that the point? Hell, treat yourself to dinner (or lunch) afterward and cuss out the host(ess).

Gypsy "Cathy2-hit-the-nail-on-the-head, again" Boy

Baby showers, especially ones that start at 2pm, are usually alcohol free as the mama-to-be can't drink and you don't want to throw that in their face. Also, a 2pm shower usually means that the host/hostess doesn't want to serve anything fancy.

HS,

You care about food on a number of levels, which why you are are hosting a Filipino dinner, posting on LTH and find walking up and down Devon in the rain great fun and 'they' are at Dominick's buying Steak-umms.

I realized after posting on this thread that I probably shouldn't confess to a lack of cooking skills a month before hosting the Filipino dinner! I will emphasize that I can cook by means of listening to others' suggestions, trying hard and testing, testing, testing recipes. In the case of Filipino food, I also happen to know (at least think I know) how things should taste, which is a very helpful. That said, the halo-halo stuff is coming out of store-bought jars...

Gypsy Boy wrote:

Cathy2 wrote:Hi,
I think there are days you have to appreciate someone's best effort and enjoy the company. It may not be to your standards, then you have the opportunity to entertain them to yours. Maybe they will pick up some tips.
Regards,

Amen (to Cathy2). I would like to think that I can appreciate and be grateful for good food (and drink), whether homemade or purchased elsewhere. But what I fear is in danger of getting lost here is the purpose of the event. Food and drink are not the purpose, the shower (or whatever) is. And while good food and drink can add to and make that event more enjoyable, the main reason for the get-together is to honor or celebrate the people and the event.

Believe me, I've driven my share of hours and eaten my share of less-than-stellar offerings, but I went to help celebrate with and for friends. Isn't that the point? Hell, treat yourself to dinner (or lunch) afterward and cuss out the host(ess).

Gypsy "Cathy2-hit-the-nail-on-the-head, again" Boy

Your points are well-taken and appreciated. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. But I don't think the host put her best efforts into the event, and I think that was evident. Store-bought food in and of itself was not the problem. But I think she probably could have done better even if she ran to a 7-11 prior to the event, simply by providing a variety of soft drinks* and enough snacks for the amount of people there. There was an overriding tense feeling to the gathering and you could sense that people were not at ease. Most people left as soon as they could politely duck out. If more or better food and drink hospitality had been offered, I think it would have gone off better.

**To address the point that alcohol is not provided at baby showers - I've had it go both ways, even at baby showers. But some other type of non-alcoholic beverage, Tea, Coke, Mountain Dew would have been nice as well.

happy_stomach wrote:Maybe it's a baby shower thing. I went to a shower a little over a year ago, an event I was excited to attend since it was for a good friend. I knew it was a potluck from the invitation, but the main dishes were going to be provided by the hosts (friends of the then soon-to-be mom). I feel very guilty judging since I readily admit that the only culinary "skills" I possess are the ability to follow directions and the willingness to invest time in trying. So I arrived at the shower with an orzo salad (radicchio, basil, pinenuts, sun-dried tomatoes, etc--a recipe I had gotten from epicurious.com and which took me too long to make given my lack of knife skills). It turned out that the "main course" was vegetarian Subway sandwiches. 90% of the other contributions were store-bought and of the store-bought variety not at all appetizing to me. What I learned that day was that the shower was about collecting as many gifts as possible. For this, I don't completely blame the new parents. Food and drink were simply very low priorities--more, polite gestures than an integral part of the event.

I don't think it's a baby shower thing, I think it's a clueless, I don't really know what good food is thing. I would consider myself a foodie, and my baby shower was definitely a celebration of good food enjoyed with good company. The gifts were the proverbial icing on the cake (although I think I appreciated the icing on my Sweet Mandy B's cupcakes even better than opening most of those gifts.)

I also hate going to a party and getting lousy, mass produced food that I otherwise wouldn't imagine eating if I had been in charge of procuring it. But I think it's true that many people aren't really all that discerning about what their food tastes like as long as they stop being hungry once they have consumed it.

Oh, and Happy Stomach I definitely would have welcomed your orzo salad at any get-together I've had in my home.

I dont get worked up about an issue like this. If I am going to a function of a person who is challenged when it comes to cooking, I eat beforehand, or make plans to eat afterwards. If I am going to a function of a person i dont know I scout out places to go eat/drink for after I leave if I have found the food/drink offerings not what I would like at the function..

The whole point is the event you are gatering for, and some folks simply look at food simply as sustinance, & not an important part of a gathering. It is impossible to change the world, so I have resorted to my above mentioned remedy.

It's a people thing -- if you don't like the people, send a gift and your regrets

SGFoxe wrote:It's a people thing -- if you don't like the people, send a gift and your regrets

Uncalled for. This is not about liking or not liking people. It's a common problem that foodies like us have friends who are not as passionate about chow as we are. We may love our friends and still not care for their food choices.

sure it is -- I'm passionate about architecture, astrology, history, blooz -- food is ONE of my passions --

can't share everything w/everyone -- some of my astrofriends don't care if they are eating cardboard, as long as the conversation is impelling ...

then there are those mensans i know that can't relate to anyone w/a lower iq

if you are ONLY interested in food and your other acquaintances are happy at micky d's -- send regrets and a gift, and spare yourself and your potential hosts the pain of suffering each others company

SGFoxe wrote:if you are ONLY interested in food and your other acquaintances are happy at micky d's -- send regrets and a gift, and spare yourself and your potential hosts the pain of suffering each others company

That's a pretty extreme reaction and I don't think it's called for given the content of the discussion. Nobody said that the only interest anyone had here was food. My point was more to the . . . old fashioned idea of hospitality. The type that your grandmother always had right (at least my grandmother) . . .the type that is often labeled as "Southern" . . . . . . a je ne sais quoi . . . the idea that even if you were poor, and couldn't make a fried egg, you tried your best please people and make them feel welcome. And what I can gather from the responses here is that a lot of people sort of suffer through these gatherings. Wouldn't it be more enjoyable if, even at a baby shower, more effort was put into pleasing your guests instead of taking the attitude, "hey, this is it, buck up!" Or, "it's all about gifting the mom-to-be." Maybe I'm wrong - maybe showers have become all about the gifts - in which case, next time, I will send my regrets along with a gift.

One of the things that I suspect used to fall under the heading of American middle-class respectability, and was passed down mother to daughter until the great rupture in mores, was the idea that if you had company coming, you put on a spread and then some.

Of course, this is no different, except in externals, from the customs of many other cultures-- the Bedouin takes you into his inner tents and feeds you until you are set to burst, the Esquimaux conduct the vast, bankrupting feasts called Potlatch, the denizens of Cathay (cunningly shifting responsibility onto the guest) insist that it is rude to completely finish your meal because doing so implies that your hosts skimped, and immortal is the cry of the Hebraic mother, "Take two, they're small." When of course they're probably as big as your arm.

Then came le deluge and the arts in which we housewives once took pride were denigrated in favor of career, supermarket convenience and insta-foods. The young woman who thinks that matching her Tostitos to her Tostito brand bean dip has relieved her of any further food-related duties as a hostess cannot be blamed for having returned to the primitive state of her barbarian ancestors, because neither her mother nor her culture has instilled in her the lessons that generosity and pride are the home cook's twin satisfactions-- indeed, the culture has probably taught her that a big spread is bourgeois, suburban (gasp) keeping-up-with-the-Jonesism, and made a sort of virtue out of stinginess disguised as saving-the-planetism or something. (Thus the recent birthday party my boys attended, where each growing, hyperactive 8-year-old was allocated one hot dog alone for the weenie roast.) Think of the carbon footprint a homemade pie leaves; how much better to eat nacho ranch totally extreme fair trade microwavable glop. It's dolphin-safe!

There are only two things you can do in the face of a culture hellbent on gustatory nihilism like this. One is, stand athwart the supermarket aisles and yell stop. Throw a party for ten with enough food for thirty, and arrive at every potluck with an entire feast under your arms. Two is, edit your list of friends so the problem doesn't come up. Frankly, to me, this whole thread seems a continuation of this one, in other terms.

Hi,

If you and your friends are at the bridal and baby shower stage of life, then strap on your seatbelts for school events because you're in for a ride. If you bring a homemade item, then it is looked at as suspect because the unknown ingredients might endanger someone. You will also have people angry for showing them up by making something instead of buying. Bring something picked up at Whole Foods or Jewel, preferably individually wrapped and labeled, then you are part of the majority.

People cook less and less. They are not confident of their skills. They buy food for guests on par with what they see at other events. The friend who is hosting the event is underwriting the food, the gifts for the couple/newbaby as well as amusements for the guests. It is not like they are collecting money, subtracting their expenses, then giving the net proceeds to the couple. While it may not be suitable arrangements for you, I'll bet 80% of the crowd present are quite content.

Suffer through it? I put on a smile and act as gracious as possible because someone invited me and I accepted. Whether it is what I would do is not germane. It was what they knew to do from their experience, which may not be the same as yours.

By definition, bridal showers and baby showers are friends and family providing the gifts to start a household or welcome a baby. While it was probably more meaningful when everyone had less means and every little bit helped. It does boil down it is all about gifts. I think many people regard it as something you participate in because eventually you'll get same treatment when it is your turn.*

*Of course as a bridesmaid and never a bride or mother, I have been contributing mightily without any likelihood of return.

Regards,

I agree with Cathy whole heartedly. Unfortunately I suffer from advanced culinary potluck Schadenfreude. When other parents bring IQF crustless PBJ's inna bag, I will bring satay skewers with peanut sauce for the kids (always a winner) and a pound of gravlax with the trimmings for the no poultry people. Or I'll whip up a quick vietnamese salad.

I get to eat good and be an ass , it's wrong of me I know but damn if it doesn't feel good when some kid asks their mom to ask me for the recipe I kept the salad recipe on my desktop for two months because I was C&P'ing it into Outlook so much.

aschie30 wrote:
Wouldn't it be more enjoyable if, even at a baby shower, more effort was put into pleasing your guests instead of taking the attitude, "hey, this is it, buck up!" Or, "it's all about gifting the mom-to-be." Maybe I'm wrong - maybe showers have become all about the gifts - in which case, next time, I will send my regrets along with a gift.

I have preached on the topic of the lack of common decency prior to this thread and it appears that it has raised its ugly head once again. Aschie, I find nothing wrong with your original post or your subsequent comments. Too many people hosting events are just "phoning it in"---doing the bare minimum to get by without devoting much in the way of effort. Yes, frankly it IS -- in a rapidly increasing number of cases--all about the gifts. Here are two situations that have recently happened in my life to illustrate my conclusion:

1. We were "B" list invitees to a wedding. We received the invitation six days AFTER the pre-printed RSVP date on the invite. The envelope containing the invitation was postmarked three days after the RSVP date, so no one can say that it was lost in the mail. The moral of the story is that if you want someone to attend your wedding, don't send them an invitation after you have receieved responses from the "A" listers.

2. We were invited to a distant relative's college graduation party. The invitation stated that the party would be from 2 P.M until 5 P.M on a Saturday. We called the graduate's mother to ask about the timing and she stated that her daughter had to allow enough time to get ready to go out to celebrate with her friends afterward. What kind of crap is this? As in Aschie's situation, people would have to travel from distant points in order to attend with the sole intention of "bearing gifts"

Needless to say, we didn't attend either event.---

Cathy2 wrote:The friend who is hosting the event is underwriting the food, the gifts for the couple/newbaby as well as amusements for the guests. It is not like they are collecting money, subtracting their expenses, then giving the net proceeds to the couple. While it may not be suitable arrangements for you, I'll bet 80% of the crowd present are quite content.

The party was given by a sister-in-law in lieu of gifts. Also I don't know that 80% of the crowd was content. Didn't seem it. As a very good friend of the honoree, I can honestly say that, dollar for dollar, I've spent more on her over the years than she has spent on me, or the hostess has ever spent on her. And even though the host was the "honoree's" sister-in-law, I think her lack of basic hospitality showed that she just did not care.

Cathy2 wrote:Suffer through it? I put on a smile and act as gracious as possible because someone invited me and I accepted. Whether it is what I would do is not germane. It was what they knew to do from their experience, which may not be the same as yours.

Yes, of course. That's what anyone with good manners does. But that doesn't mean I'm not ticked off during and after the event. Like I said, the hostess must have know she was being inhospitable, but I don't think she cared.

Cathy2 wrote:By definition, bridal showers and baby showers are friends and family providing the gifts to start a household or welcome a baby. While it was probably more meaningful when everyone had less means and every little bit helped. It does boil down it is all about gifts. I think many people regard it as something you participate in because eventually you'll get same treatment when it is your turn.*

Yes, except that the mother-to-be is well into her 30s and makes well into the six figures and her husband contributes about 75% of that to the household. They are not poor people. I agree that showers were more meaningful when they supported people of lesser means, but if you're going to squeeze people for more gifts, you might as well show them some hospitality. And the whole potential reciprocation thing is so judgmental -- it's like "you've spent over a thousand dollars on me, and even though you're on death's door, I'll be happy to reciprocate for you when you get married and have 3 kids! (But not before.)"

I just think that if the occasion is (crudely) about gift-giving, the least you can do is feed people and show hospitality and a little appreciation.

Cathy2 wrote:Hi,

If you and your friends are at the bridal and baby shower stage of life, then strap on your seatbelts for school events because you're in for a ride. If you bring a homemade item, then it is looked at as suspect because the unknown ingredients might endanger someone. You will also have people angry for showing them up by making something instead of buying. Bring something picked up at Whole Foods or Jewel, preferably individually wrapped and labeled, then you are part of the majority.

Thanks for the heads up.

aschie30 wrote:

Cathy2 wrote:Hi,

If you and your friends are at the bridal and baby shower stage of life, then strap on your seatbelts for school events because you're in for a ride. If you bring a homemade item, then it is looked at as suspect because the unknown ingredients might endanger someone. You will also have people angry for showing them up by making something instead of buying. Bring something picked up at Whole Foods or Jewel, preferably individually wrapped and labeled, then you are part of the majority.

Thanks for the heads up.

I've gone through three cycles of kids through public schools and I cannot say that I've experienced what C2 describes. Perhaps it speaks to the general open-mindness of citizens in the People's Republic of Oak Park, but The Wife usually brings fresh-cut veggies and home-made dip to most school events and we always come home with an empty plate. Our assumption is that the kids respond well to an oasis of vegetables in a sea of store-bought fried chicken and pizza (and bringing this dish ensures that we will always have something to eat, too).

Hammond

Cathy2 wrote:If you and your friends are at the bridal and baby shower stage of life, then strap on your seatbelts for school events because you're in for a ride. If you bring a homemade item, then it is looked at as suspect because the unknown ingredients might endanger someone. You will also have people angry for showing them up by making something instead of buying. Bring something picked up at Whole Foods or Jewel, preferably individually wrapped and labeled, then you are part of the majority.

My nephews and nieces told me that it was verboten to bring something homemade into school due to all the allergies "out there" and as homemade items are "not properly labeled."

Bringing in store-bought goods are completely acceptable.

Another argument for home-schooling.

Gee, at my kids' school we simply know what the allergies in our kids' classes are, and plan accordingly. God forbid people finding simple solutions for themselves when bureaucratic policies can be imposed from above...

Another argument for home-schooling.

At the school my boss's children attend, the implicit rule is that snacks brought for everyone should be store-bought, but the explicit rule is that they must be fat-free. No joke.

happy_stomach wrote:

Another argument for home-schooling.

At the school my boss's children attend, the implicit rule is that snacks brought for everyone should be store-bought, but the explicit rule is that they must be fat-free. No joke.

i just had to comment - this is so nonsensical. as though fat-free = healthy. do they not realize that sugar has no fat so that whatever fat-free food it is could be filled to the brim with sugar? but hey, that's ok, it's fat-free!

jlawrence01 wrote:Bringing in store-bought goods are completely acceptable.

Wow - you mean people can make heads or tails of a store-bought label? People can tell the difference between hydrowaxiglutencose and fructalicioussorbatenverboten on the ingredient list?

Yeah, this is obviously closer to mysticism than nutritional science at that point-- Look, great father in Washington has put magic words on label! Will make strong and brave!

I guess even with the strong vegetarian contingent and all that at my kids' school, which I occasionally butt up against (folks, and this is experience talking here, a tofu dog does not spear on a stick and cook over a fire like a real one), I should be grateful for 1) a post-hippie DIY ethic and 2) more than a few food biz pros in the parent body, which have spared us the "if it's from Jewel it's safe and good" approach to food.