Vegan Wedding Etiquette?

OK, my niece in California is a great kid and she chose a down-to-earth guy who's warm, friendly and has a terrific family. So far so good. Yet she's a committed vegan, and decreed that all wedding guests shall eat vegan the entire weekend when she's around. The pre-family festivities featured veggies, dips and atrocious cheeseless, meatless "Chicago-style" pizza from a local joint. And the wedding which was hyped as being catered by one of the finest vegan chefs in NoCal offered passed veggie hors d'oeuvres, a puny salad, and as the piece d'resistance a "mushroom wellington" that featured a little hunk of portobello surrounded by polenta, "baked" inside a underbrowned pastry sitting on top of shredded carrots. Don't ask about the wedding cake.

I've always thought that it's proper to offer your wedding guests at least one fish or other conventional protein-based entree choice along with a vegan option for fellow believers -- but that you should not "force" your guests to follow your own dietary quirks. Am I wrong?

>>Brent

I've found it is a good policy not to question a Bride's wedding arrangements. A bit of pre-planning is in order. Make sure you know the location of the nearest In N Out at all times.

brotine wrote:I've always thought that it's proper to offer your wedding guests at least one fish or other conventional protein-based entree choice along with a vegan option for fellow believers -- but that you should not "force" your guests to follow your own dietary quirks. Am I wrong?

>>Brent

Weddings have a tendancy to convert some of the nicest young ladies into raging !#$%^& princesses. Therefore, my wife and I have always avoided being part of a wedding party over the years.

Personally, I would attend the wedding but head out for dinner and return after the dinner is completed.

I would agree with you that when planning a reception, you need to offer a couple of options, especially if there will be a number of people with different dietary needs.

You're lucky she didn't demand that you leave at home your leather shoes, belts and underpants.

Your story reminds me of an interview I heard with Ringo Starr circa 1989 when he admitted that when he and the rest of the group went to visit the Maharishi in Indian, he brought along a suitcase full of Campbell's Pork n' Beans to see him through the week.

I can see that it is her day, but to force her beliefs on others is wrong no matter what.

How would she feel if she was invited to a weekend at someone elses wedding where it was decreed that everyone had to eat meat the entire weekend. I doubt she would even show up, or if she did show up be as accomodating as you were. You should be commended for you civility towards this individual, and letting her have her day.

I also would have located the nearest In N Out, and perhaps just showed up for some drinks at the reception, and skipped the "gourmet" meal, that is if drinks were allowed by this "gracious" hostess..

jimswside wrote: How would she feel if she was invited to a weekend at someone elses wedding where it was decreed that everyone had to eat meat the entire weekend.

But don't you get it? You're WRONG for eating meat! She is on the side of right! Fighting a crusade! Reversing the tide of eating and survival habits of humans since they stood upright!

aschie,

I almost forgot how bad of a person I am.

I saw a bumper sticker a few weeks ago that made me laugh regarding how "un-natural" it is to eat meat, it said:

"vegetarian: an old Indian word for bad hunter"

The one I feel sorry for is the new husband..

You'll take my leather underpants when you pry them from my cold dead hands. I'll be wearing this Threadless tshirt too.

Brent,

My wife's has, conservative estimate, 9-million nieces and nephews and in the course of a couple of decades I've attended wedding related functions ranging from the Adler Planetarium, Grand Ballroom at the Drake, lovely rural park settings, rec-room basements and all points in-between.

Easily one of the oddest was a Southern California (what is it about Southern Calif?) where the best man was a parrot and the wedding was preformed by a crystal slinging guru. Needless to say this particular wedding was both meat and alcohol free. We still managed to have a good time as 4 or 5 of us took turns bribing a server to bring us bottles of champagne from a function in another area of the facility.

My advice is the same as Steve's, don't question the bride, but keep a sharp lookout for alternate possibilities.

Enjoy,
Gary

"vegetarian: an old Indian word for bad hunter"

LMFAO

all wedding guests shall eat vegan the entire weekend when she's around

This disturbs me quite a bit if literally taken. If this means at the rehersal dinner and wedding reception you must eat Vegan - then OK. I mean it's their wedding day and my attitude is serve what you want to your guests. But, this means in turn that I would expect her to then not expect a special Vegan offering should she attend a non-Vegan wedding. She can eat the bread, veggies, dessert, etc.

However, if her quote means she expects you to eat Vegan in general the whole weekend outside of the rehersal dinner and reception she can go pound salt and then I might be prompted to crush down a double-cheeseburger from In-and-Out burger that I picked up on my way back from the bars right in front of her and her Vegan frineds while spilling mustard all over my shirt.

Bster

This topic echoes some of the themes of (Lack of) Hospitality Horrors: Bad Parties. I'd think a good host/hostess would balance their vegan preferences (beliefs?) while still accommodating their guests. But, if the hosts are ardent in their veganism, perhaps a balance was not possible. If I had been in the guests' position, I would have excused myself early and found something more palatable. This does remind me of a wedding I attended where the red wine offered was *white* zinfadel. Two of my friends found a nearby liquor store and we kept our bottles of red wine under the table. [/b]

G Wiv wrote:Easily one of the oddest was a Southern California (what is it about Southern Calif?)

What is it about So. Calif? My little brother has lived there now for 9 years (formerly lived on the East Coast). He's marrying a native; her family is thusly: two former hippie parents who turned born-again Christians, now divorced and hating each other; an old-school upright society grandmother who hates everyone but the bride; her 15 year old younger brother who opposes the match because my brother is not "Christian" enough; and an extremely militant liberal artist aunt from Pasadena. Bride, being a So-Calian, wants to rework the ceremony so that both bride and groom walk down separate aisles and symbolically meet in the middle (cue acoustic guitar); and the person officiating at the wedding is a friend who was certified over the internet. Even David Sedaris couldn't invent this oncoming train wreck. Thank God my grandmother is no longer with us.

Aschie30, that actually sounds like a lot of fun. Do everything you can to set each one of these maniacs off, and be sure to take lots of video.

You know, though, it sounds like the problem was not the veganism, it was that the food was crap.

Friends of ours had a wedding, here in Chicago, and while they aren't vegetarian, the wedding food was. Not sure why, but it was. And the food was really very good. As far as I could tell, everyone enjoyed it.

We also attended another vegetarian wedding a few years ago out in Northern California. While the food wasn't great, it wasn't any worse than other wedding food.

I see no reason to have meat options if the main dish is spinach lasagne, or vegetable napolean or whatever. Are you going to die if you don't have a hunk-o-meat for a meal or two?

leek wrote:I see no reason to have meat options if the main dish is spinach lasagne, or vegetable napolean or whatever. Are you going to die if you don't have a hunk-o-meat for a meal or two?

Yeah, but vegan is distinct from vegetarianism. Some vegetarians eat fish, eggs and dairy. For vegans, those items are verboten (as would spinach lasagne [pasta, cheese], and a vegetable napoleon [butter in puff pastry]). Vegan does, by its very definition and parameters, result in a lot of crappy food and is not pleasing to the "average" palate.

As our friend, Fred, from Check Please! intimated, raw foodism is "like a religion," as is, to a large extent, veganism. So I think the "outrage" about forcing your guests to eat vegan the entire weekend is that, in a sense, you're imposing your "religion" on them.

A number of years ago I attended a vegetarian wedding reception at the Bohemian Crystal in Wesmont. The food was wonderful and very rich in sauces and flavors. Instead of a cake they had decadent little pasteries. I wopuld think there would be many vegetarian/vegan caterers in California, sounds like the OP had a bad one.

I was about to make the same distinction. Several LTHers attended an occasion recently, planned by another LTHer, that was meat-free but full of flavor, because the offerings were handpicked from several of the best middle eastern restaurants, food shops, etc. around town. Nobody there missed meat.

A vegan diet takes away so many of the things 99% of us rely on for flavor and satisfaction, though, that it makes it very hard to construct meals that seem pleasing to non-vegans. And I think longtime vegans don't have a clear sense of what other people look for; they're used to the much more minimalist satisfactions of their diet.

I'm not making any moral condemnation here, just saying that when you're far, far into your thing, whatever it is, you may not be able to judge accurately whether other people will enjoy themselves. But then the question is, is the wedding about forcing all your relatives to accept your terms, or is it about sharing joy and happiness with them? I guess I am condemning, a little bit, the egotism that is unwilling to bend in the slightest to ensure that relatives, some of whom will have done more for you than you can ever repay, enjoy themselves for a few hours at your event.

LikestoEatout wrote:A number of years ago I attended a vegetarian wedding reception at the Bohemian Crystal in Wesmont. The food was wonderful and very rich in sauces and flavors. Instead of a cake they had decadent little pasteries. I wopuld think there would be many vegetarian/vegan caterers in California, sounds like the OP had a bad one.

A Bohemian restaurant pulled off a vegetarian reception? As someone whose ancestors hail from that part of the world, that truly is a feat. My grandmother would have thought vegetarianism meant "no pork," but everything else sufficed. I have to question, however, what went into the sauces and whether it was actually vegetarian. (Chicken or meat stock?) I repeat, Czechs, generally do not have an arsenal of secret vegetarian weapons to whip out if needed.

The couple getting married were from Lituania and Slovenia respectively and both recent immigrates to the US, I am sure they oversaw what we had. The main was potato and cabbage perogies and many vegetables. They are not vegan so cheeses I am sure were used. All was wonderful but a little heavy.

Veganism is a disease.

This reminds me of a wonderful wedding I attended in Rockford about 15 years ago. The bride's mother did not like to drink so it was a dry wedding except for sparkling cider toast. Bride and groom had no problem, just the MIL.

Nightmare.

About 1/3 of the guest spent the reception in the parking lot where we had for foresight to pack several coolers in the trunk with beer and wine.

SAVE A VEGETABLE...EAT A VEGAN!!!

aschie30 wrote:...raw foodism is "like a religion," as is, to a large extent, veganism. So I think the "outrage" about forcing your guests to eat vegan the entire weekend is that, in a sense, you're imposing your "religion" on them.

Isn't a wedding typically a religious ceremony of one persuasion or other? You could apply that argument equally to the ceremony.

That being said, it's a pity these vegans don't seem to know how to eat well. We attended a vegan wedding some years ago and had good grub: for one, guacamole and chips (depending on what they're fried in) are vegan, as well as many delicious Asian tofu dishes, and things like ratatouille and hummous can be as well. Maybe you need to pre-gift the wedding party with some good vegan cookbooks and a gift certificate to a restaurant that offers decent vegan options.

Frankly, I've had plenty of lousy food at events that had meat - I agree with other posters - know your options, or maybe pack salami and a baguette in your (or your date's) purse. [insert hide the salami joke here.]

Alternatively, tell them you're on a very strict low-carb regimen and see what happens!

Mhays wrote:

aschie30 wrote:...raw foodism is "like a religion," as is, to a large extent, veganism. So I think the "outrage" about forcing your guests to eat vegan the entire weekend is that, in a sense, you're imposing your "religion" on them.

Isn't a wedding typically a religious ceremony of one persuasion or other? You could apply that argument equally to the ceremony.

I'm not saying I'm advancing the argument that veganism is akin to religion, but I've heard the comparison, and it's not entirely off base. As for the ceremony being religious, you're not required to participate in the ceremony, take communion or genuflect at the altar. The religious portion actually relates to the bride and groom and whoever else wants to participate within the context of the ceremony. By moving your "religion" into the reception portion, the imposition is more clear. Same with those who won't serve alcohol due to religious reasons, they are, in that sense, imposing their religious beliefs upon you.

aschie30 wrote: The religious portion actually relates to the bride and groom and whoever else wants to participate within the context of the ceremony. By moving your "religion" into the reception portion, the imposition is more clear. Same with those who won't serve alcohol due to religious reasons, they are, in that sense, imposing their religious beliefs upon you.

I agree that the comparison is there, but I don't know that I agree that tailoring one's reception to meet one's beliefs is an imposition - e.g. a kosher wedding. Now, if the groom and bride insist that attendees cannot eat or wear animal products on the day of their wedding whether at the reception or elsewhere, that would be imposing their beliefs on others.

In this case, it seems that they're buying and you're eating for free, which means you choke whatever it is down politely or push it around on your plate and eat out afterwards, kvetching to your meat-eating company until you're satisfied.

I have to agree... I'm not down with the "meat is murder" crowd, but if the belief is genuine, it'd be nothing short of hypocritical to serve meat at their wedding. You're not talking about a fad diet or a health choice (in most cases), you're talking about a moral position.

Trying to impose that on people outside of their wedding would be another matter entirely, but at least within the context of their party, I don't see how they're under any obligation to provide meat. Ditto the booze parallels.

It's dumb, I agree, but I've seen plenty of dumb things at weddings that have nothing to do with the food

The wedding I mention uptread at the Bohemian Crystal was vegetarian for religious reasons, the couple and most of the guests are Seventh Day Adventists.

Thanks, gang, for the moral support. Perhaps the high point was at the farewell lunch (at an all-vegetarian Indian buffet that met the bride's standards) where both she and my nephew (who she converted) started ragging about how dangerous milk is to the stomach -- the typical vegan junk science. My older brother (who lives in L.A. but doesn't tolerate my niece's views at all) turns to my better half and shouts to the table "Barb, you're a doctor, can you stop this crap?" Barb replies "well, this is kind of like fighting a one-armed man", but after much prodding she delivers a lunchtime lecture about how everything in the stomach becomes acidic and that my nephew should really be focusing more on his day job. I think we all still left friends.

Postcript: I later found out that my older brother had commanded my sister to order him a separate meat pizza at the family gathering, which was placed aside where no one else could see it and he'd have it all to himself!

>>Brent

I've been to one of these weddings last year here in Chicago. I'm a wedding photographer, so I've been to 100+ weddings with food that runs the gamut. To be honest, I don't think there's anything wrong with a vegan bride and groom to serve all vegan food. I wouldn't expect non-kosher or non-Halal food to be served at weddings of couples with those respective beliefs, so why should I expect a couple who are firm in their ethical beliefs about veganism to serve meat to me?

With the all-vegan wedding I went to, I didn't even notice until late in the meal that the food was even vegetarian, much less vegan. The food was very well-prepared and tasty all around.

I understand that a gracious host should take into account the diets of his/her guests, but I don't think that should extend to serving food that is outside the host's ethical or religious beliefs. On the flip side, a guest is at a wedding to celebrate the marriage of the bride and groom and share in the celebration, not complain about the food. If that were the case, I'd bitch about 95% of the wedding meals I've been served, and that vegan meal I had last year would not be in the 95%, because it actually was prepared with care and flavor.

It's one thing to command everyone to eat all Vegan at your own Vegan wedding (Haha, i keep tying "Vegas" instead of Vegan at first), or Kosher or Halal, that's fine, I have no problem with adhering to your tenets, it's your special day.

But if you're going to make me eat what you want to eat, make me eat something that's WORTH eating. Serve me good food! Make me NOT have a reason to rip on you for being a Vegan! Show me that it's possible to eat well and have no animal products. If most people can't tell that the entrees are vegan, with their preconceived notions, they'll immediately think it's bad no matter what. But if you serve really fantastic food, then it's not a big deal.

binko,

I dont think many had an issue with the wedding meal being vegan(I probably wouldnt have eaten it, but not made a scene), but with the brides mandate that anything consumed the entire wedding weekend be vegan. Thats just over the top, and just screams control freak, and makes me feel kind of sorry for the groom & what he will have to put up with for the next 50 years or so.

As others said I would have had to sneak out and get a juicy medium rare burger instead of attending one of the weekends functions.