Modern Manners: Shoe-Free Households

Modern Manners: Shoe-Free Households

I value few things more than my friends, and when they’re good enough to come by for dinner, my primary goal is to help them feel welcome and comfortable in my home.

When I visit them, I try to be a good guest: if they’re tea tottlers, I never arrive falling-down drunk; if they’re of conservative bent, I don’t mention the war; if religious folk, I avoid overt references to the godless universe in which we all spin, anchorless if not for the warmth and camaraderie of our cherished amigos.

Several of my friends run shoe-free households: when you arrive, you’re asked to remove footwear before stepping into their home. During times of inclement weather, when slush and slop covers my boots, this is fully understandable – in fact, you don’t have to ask; bada-bing, I’m shoeless. What I cannot understand or abide is the request to doff my Doc Martens by the door when the weather is fine, my shoes perfectly clean, and the opportunity for damage to floors close to zero. Of course, a homeowner can make any request he or she wants of those who enter their private domicile, but that doesn’t mean that any such request is reasonable or that I will comply with the more absurd requests willingly and without at least brief bitching.

I will remove my shoes at Asian restaurants (as required), in temples, and before going to bed. Otherwise, either my shoes stay or I don’t.

I respect the homes of my friends. I would never think to smoke in their space, put feet on furniture, or sleep with their spouses (unless explicitly requested to do so). However, when I’m asked to take off my shoes, the message I receive is that the host feels their property (rugs, floors, etc., which presumably might be damaged by my shoes) or their sense of propriety or ritual (which apparently involves the perverse ceremony of disrobing my toes at the door) takes precedence over the comfort of their guests; i.e., me.

No doubt about it: going shoe-less outside one's own home is an uncomfortable experience. Walking around a strange house exposes the gentle toes to various stubbing obstacles, and in the winter, wearing shoes keeps the lower extremities warm. In addition, I’m not a very tall person (just “average height” by most tables) and removing my shoes causes me to lose some altitude, and I could use the extra inch (still referring to vertical dimensions, of course).

Anyway, I am actively avoiding dinner dates at households where friends ask me to shed offending articles of pedestrian protective gear before entering. When they come to my house, they sometimes ask, “Should I remove my shoes,” to which I reply, with exaggerated incredulousness, “Why no! Why in the world would you want to do that? Come on in.”

They may get the message, but for some reason I doubt it.

David “Viceroy of Reasonableness” Hammond

My reaction to barefoot homes: What do you do when you break a glass?

I've never tried tottling my tea -- is this sanitary, or even legal?

I'm of the opposite bent, though I've never actually asked friends to remove their shoes. I paid a lot of money (by my standards) for a light-colored living room rug. In hindsight, of course, this was foolish, but now I'm stuck with it, and I'd like to keep it looking nice as long as possible. The husband and I always remove our shoes before we step onto it (the rest of our apartment is hardwood, so I don't care if people walk around on that).

I've had friends tromp muddy boots and soggy sneakers across it more times than I can count, and it makes me cringe every time. Recently, we had an incident in which a thoroughly useless RCN cable repairman tracked dog poo across it (and didn't apologize). Aggravating, to say the least. At the same time, I can't very well require the cable guy to take off his shoes, so I'm kind of stuck. I've learned my lesson on light grey rugs, though!

Edit: I realize this doesn't necessarily contradict Hammond's point of view on the matter, but my point is more that I'd like to either be able to ask everyone to take off their shoes, or just have them remove them without asking. Even when the weather is fine, there are things that can be carried in on the bottoms of shoes. Stupid cable guy.

I'm with you - maybe I've got issues, but forced removal of my shoes is as demoralizing as it gets. I have one friend who, upon my entering her house for the first time for a small gathering, firmly "requested" that I remove my shoes; I was taken aback and complied, but felt silly (and chilly) the entire time, like I was back at an elementary school slumber party. It created a forced intimacy with people with whom I wasn't intimate.

The second time I went over her house, I was ready to respond when "asked" to remove my shoes, "you know, I'd rather not; I'm not prepared to show off my stocking feet tonight." But as soon as I walked in the door, I noticed that 1/2 of the party was shoeless while a defiant other 1/2 wore shoes. You can guess which camp I fell into.

Apparently, this shoe dilemma is not unique - it's been featured on Seinfeld, Sex and the City, and in countless advice columns. As it's something which causes such apparent widespread discomfort, I wish people would get over it and not make such a request.

easy resolution... wood floors..

Just kidding, luckily the first floor of our house is all wood floors, so we do not ask anyone to remove their shoes.


I do have some friends/family members that require you to go shoeless. I just make sure I have on the pair of socks without the holes...

aschie30 wrote:I'm with you - maybe I've got issues, but forced removal of my shoes is as demoralizing as it gets. I have one friend who, upon my entering her house for the first time for a small gathering, firmly "requested" that I remove my shoes; I was taken aback and complied, but felt silly (and chilly) the entire time, like I was back at an elementary school slumber party. It created a forced intimacy with people with whom I wasn't intimate.

Forced intimacy. Yes, absolutely. As you say, there may be "issues" involved here, but when I move into a room of people, some of whom I may not know, there's a vulnerability involved in removing any piece of body armor.

We're both shoeless people in our own house, but we don't enforce it for anyone who visits. We're just more comfortable in bare feet, socks, or slippers, it has nothing to do with protecting anything. My shoes come off when I visit my parents' house, too.

I suppose some people might see that we're shoe-free and feel obligated to take theirs off, but they certainly aren't and we would never ask 'em to.

Plus, if you do take them off, the dog might steal them.

gleam wrote:We're both shoeless people in our own house, but we don't enforce it for anyone who visits. We're just more comfortable in bare feet, socks, or slippers, it has nothing to do with protecting anything.

Sure, on hot summer days, I usually am in barefeet in my home office (which is on a third floor, so I'm constantly humping up and down several flights for coffee, food, etc. -- which is cooler and easier to do shoeless). It's requiring others to go similarly unshod that irks me.

Analogy to all this: putting hard plastic covers on furniture so that the bodies of your guests will not defile your upholstery.

No one has raised the issue I face when shoes are worn in my home: disturbing the neighbors downstairs as many feet tromp across my wooden floors. I can't very well complain about being kept awake by the same thing if I don't ask my guests to remove their shoes. A carpet in the bedrooms and living room is one thing, but in the kitchen, the floor has to be a hard surface. And all this remains a problem after double sheet-rocking the ceilings and extra insulation between the floors. Still, I hate new buildings and wouldn't want to live in one. At present, I reserve parties to evenings when my neighbors are planning to be out of town.

When you enter someone's home, you follow their norms. Its like visiting another culture. If it isn't going to hurt someone, you might as well follow along.

There are large parts of the world where this practice is customary; its quite possible that more of the world customarily removes shoes when entering someone's house than doesn't. And it isn't just for reasons of custom. Even if your shoes look clean, they probably aren't. To me it is comparable to asking guests to use a coaster under their glass on furniture (rather than asking them to sit on plastic-covered furniture) but then again I don't have the same discomfort with going shoeless.

Of course, guests should be made comfortable and hosts' preferences should be respected. Perhaps there are ways to do both? I know of people who have extra slippers in various sizes for guests who are uncomfortable without shoes. I prefer that guests go shoeless but I have friends for whom this would be difficult because of physical constraints and of course I don't even ask. If it is the dead of winter and I think my guest will be cold, I'm less likely to ask. I'm more likely to ask a friend than a stranger (like a repair person) probably because of the intimacy issue. I'm also less likely to ask someone who is significantly older than me because they may be less comfortable with it.

Some flexibilty on the part of hosts *and* guests is probably the best option.

How would you feel about friends who request that you remove your shoes but who also provide slippers for you? I have friends who are Czech and apparently this is a tradition for them (not sure if it is a family thing or more widely practiced custom).

While it's a cozy thought, I really don't want to vacate my own shoes in favor of a pair of slippers someone else may have worn. Please explain to me how that's any different than putting on a pair of "rentals" at the bowling alley. I know, I know . . . I'm preaching to the choir.

=R=

comradelaura wrote:When you enter someone's home, you follow their norms. Its like visiting another culture.

Some flexibilty on the part of hosts *and* guests is probably the best option.

I basically agree with these positions, and in the same sense that the Wife and I would be unlikely to visit a culture that demeans women, I am unlikely to visit a host who demeans guests (not to overstate here, but when I'm asked to take off shoes when entering a home, I feel that the host's concerns are being placed ahead of the guests', which is not my practice and not the practice of any home I enjoy visiting).

If I can't be both polite and comfortable in another culture or home, I will be less willing to visit that other culture or home. I'm flexible: there are lots of places to go where I can be both well-mannered and well-treated (again, not to overstate: I don't mean I'm abused in shoe-free home, but simply relegated to a place I hope to never place my guests).

Hammond

I agree with aschie30 on this as well. I cringe when I enter someone's home and they make it a point to ask me to remove my shoes. I've taken the time to dress in something nice and it follows suit that I've also made sure that my shoes are clean and polished. As my mother would say, hopefully I don't look like I've just dropped the plow.

Here's another reason I dislike it and I'm sure the other women who respond to this feel the same. Hosiery is not cheap and if I take off my shoes, than I risk running or tearing my pair of Donna Karans or Calvin Kleins. Again, I've made the effort to dress well for my hosts, please don't treat me like I'm there just to dirty up the place.

I was raised in a shoeless house and my parents still maintain a shoeless home as well, and I'd greatly prefer it if people would abstain from wearing shoes in my home. I put a great deal of effort into cleaning before having guest and I truly appreciate them showing respect by not tracking the outdoors into my home.

I guess I really just don't see it as a big deal to ask people to take their shoes off when they visit. I don't usually press the issue, but I do tend to kindly ask people to remove their shoes when they enter.

Of course, I'm slightly annoyed at finding some cracks and divots in my kitchen tile that I'm rather certain correspond to the stilleto heels worn by a guest on Friday - so there's some bias to my argument. (We were just popping in for a second, so I didn't bother to make my normal request for shoe removal. That'll teach me.)

David Hammond wrote:

...I am unlikely to visit a host who demeans guests (not to overstate here, but when I'm asked to take off shoes when entering a home, I feel that the host's concerns are being placed ahead of the guests', which is not my practice and not the practice of any home I enjoy visiting).

I'll present an alternative view, not to be argumentative, but just to balance the scale. Mrs. riddlemay asks guests (and other visitors to our house, like tradesmen) to take off their shoes most of the time (and I support her in the request, even though I wouldn't have thought of it, and it would be dandy with me if people kept their shoes on). Nobody complains. Our friends know it's part of visiting us, and even many tradesmen these days seem to be prepared with their own "booties" which they change into preemptively, without even being asked. It may be that our friends are all harboring unvoiced grudges because of having to do this, but I don't think so. How it appears to me is that they know enough about how much we care for them and respect them to realize that they are not being insulted, and they reciprocate by honoring our wishes. It's all good.

I normally take my shoes off when going to someone else's home unless asked to leave them on or a formal occasion. Since I know I'll be going to someone's house - I'm sure to put on clean socks with the fewest holes

If someone asks whether they should remove their shoes at my house - I tell them they don't need to but if they're more comforable doing so they can.

I also put the toilet seat all the way down when at someone's house

Pete wrote:Of course, I'm slightly annoyed at finding some cracks and divots in my kitchen tile that I'm rather certain correspond to the stilleto heels worn by a guest on Friday - so there's some bias to my argument. (We were just popping in for a second, so I didn't bother to make my normal request for shoe removal. That'll teach me.)

Stilleto heels crack tiles? Never heard of that. Though really, do you often have guests wearing stilletos in your home? Seems like it would be a very rare situation...I'm still amazed, though, that they could do such damage.

riddlemay wrote:It may be that our friends are all harboring unvoiced grudges because of having to do this, but I don't think so.

As you can see from this thread, many people do not like to take off their shoes when entering a host home, so it's very possible, don't you think, that some of your guests are just gritting their teeth and not voicing their discomfort?

Everyone's input on this has been very interesting to me. I don't know if this would make a difference in the pro-shod camp, but I never do formal entertaining in my apartment. It's always one or two friends at the most, over to watch some television show, order delivery, and/or study. It's not like I advocate having people in cocktail dresses and suits standing around mingling in their stocking feet; I just prefer that if friends are coming over for an intimate night of sitting around my living room, they do it without their shoes.

As I said, though, I never go so far as to actually ask people to take them off (I just do my cringing in silence). I try to set an example by always taking mine off as we enter, but so far it hasn't caught on. It's an odd thing, though--I wasn't raised in a shoe-free home, but my best friend's home had white carpets throughout. We always, without exception, took our shoes off before we even left the entryway. It would never occur to me now not to at least offer to take my shoes off.

My other cringe-worthy guest issue: my overly-exuberant, somewhat careless mother-in-law likes to drink red wine (filled up to the brim of the glass) while sitting on my pale couch. It's not the red wine thing--my friends and I drink it while sitting here all the time. It's that I know she's an accident waiting to happen. There is just nothing I can do but wait, though.

Actually, I HATE wearing shoes indoors. I tend to kick off my sandals when I'm at someone else's home, if it's a casual setting (like a playdate or such). I do have comfortable shoes, but for me, you don't wear shoes indoors - they're for outdoors. Even if it's not raining or muddy, they pick up dirt and whatever outside.

I also hate wearing socks indoors as well.

Ironically, I can't stand going barefoot outdoors. There's dirt, bugs, and who knows what else out there. I don't want that stuff on my feet!

-gtgirl

Honestly, in the summer, I don't even like wearing clothing in the house (sorry for the frightening image), but that doesn't mean I expect guests to be similarly inclined when they come to visit me. And that's the point that I think is being lost on the pro-no-shoes side of this debate: just because you are comfortable going shoeless in your own house does not mean your guests will feel the same way.

David Hammond wrote:As you can see from this thread, many people do not like to take off their shoes when entering a host home, so it's very possible, don't you think, that some of your guests are just gritting their teeth and not voicing their discomfort?

That's certainly logically possible, but I don't think it's so.

From what's been said by the people here who resent being told to take their shoes off, I infer that the core problem is that they feel insulted by the request. ("What do you mean my shoes aren't clean enough for your house!!!?!?") When people don't feel insulted, they won't feel resentful. And there's nothing inherently insulting about the request; it's only insulting if you want to interpret it that way. Our friends know the "problem" is not them, or their shoes. They know the "problem" (if there is one, or you want to call it one) is us, and our preference for stocking feet. Since we all agree on that, no one feels abused.

Umm, another person to cross off the list ...

riddlemay wrote:They know the "problem"... is us, and our preference for stocking feet.

When you put it that way, it's tough to disagree.

And it's not an issue of being "insulted" so much as it is an issue of being rendering "uncomfortable." I am sure my friends do not mean to insult me; I believe they are insensitive to the discomfort they're inflicting.

Honestly, in the summer, I don't even like wearing clothing in the house (sorry for the frightening image), but that doesn't mean I expect guests to be similarly inclined when they come to visit me. And that's the point that I think is being lost on the pro-no-shoes side of this debate: just because you are comfortable going shoeless in your own house does not mean your guests will feel the same way.

Unless we have company I am usually barefooted around the house. However, when people come to visit I usually have shoes on. Just sort of a double standard I guess. I don't care to see many of my guests bare feet (or sock feet for that matter) and I presume that they do not wish to see mine either.

Kwe730 wrote:Unless we have company I am usually barefooted around the house. However, when people come to visit I usually have shoes on. Just sort of a double standard I guess. I don't care to see many of my guests bare feet (or sock feet for that matter) and I presume that they do not wish to see mine either.

That's a totally new perspective -- you prefer people NOT to remove their shoes in your house.

This is probably, of course, an essentially irresolvable debate, but it's downright enlightening to hear other perspectives.

I think what's clear here-- besides the fact that this is a deeply OT thread-- is the fact that different people react differently to being shoeless. I read an article about some black CEO or politician or something; when he got to Harvard or wherever it was that lifted him out of Bent Spoon, AL or wherever he came from, he was horrified that his roommate, Creighton Phipps Moorehead IV, would go around barefoot in their dorm. To Creighton IV, that was his little bit of bohemianism, of not being as stuffy as Creighton III. To the black kid, if you were going to go around barefoot, you might as well be eating watermelon in the living room in your longjohns and spitting the seeds at a target scrawled on the wall. The same act had a vastly different meaning in terms of where they'd come from and what they were trying to be in life.

So I don't know what to do when you come to my house. Some of you will expect to fling off your shoes and possibly even strip down to undershirt and boxers once the oven starts to warm the place up, others will react like Saint Agnes of Rome, who was dragged naked through the streets and consequently managed the neat trick of spontaneously growing a full-body coat of hair to protect her chastity. Perhaps I need to send out a questionnaire to all prospective guests, and plan two versions on consecutive days of every party, one shoed, one shoeless.

I don't mind it and I take my street shoes off in my own house and put on house shoes or clogs. But I don't enforce shoelessness in my house. While I would not want anyone to walk on my carpets with dirty shoes or boots, I find that many people can' t be shoeless. For example elderly people may need the support of shoes to walk comfortably. I am not keen on forced shoelessness.

Hi,

People in my household wear shoes most of the time. My Dad will wear sandals instead of shoes sometimes, but almost never trots around barefoot. My Mom will occasionally wear socks only with a sly look on her face as if revisiting memories of a sock hop. I wear shoes almost always.

I have a very good friend whose home I am in-and-out at least once a week for ten years. I only recently learned she has a no-shoe home. I did notice lots of shoes by the entrances, though I never thought about it. She never once requested anyone to remove their shoes in my presence.

In my other life in the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, everyone took off their shoes before walking around someone's home. There really was an issue of grime coming in from the streets.

In my water aerobics class almost half the class uses shoes in the water. I just don't want another object that needs to be hung out to dry. I go barefoot there.

My Aunt carpeted her home in white carpet, then asked everyone to remove their shoes upon entering. We grudgingly did it. My cousin once dropped concord grape juice on the white rug to get severely tongue lashed. She avoided visiting that household for years thereafter.

My gripe in being requested to remove my shoes is the surprise element. If I had advanced warning, I might put on my meet-and-greet socks in pristine condition with no stains or holes. I might trim my nails a little better or remember to wear socks. Yes, it happens, I sometimes leave home with naked feet tucked into shoes. Just thought of another annoyance when going without shoes with hose or nylon socks: it can be dangerously slippery on polished surfaces.

I won't leave because you asked me to take off my shoes. I just may not stay as long as hoped.

Regards,

Interestingly, the one thing I'm not seeing mentioned is one of my mom's pet peeves -- I always used to go barefoot at home, and after a while, you could see my usual paths across the pale foam-green carpet she had in my bedroom. The moisture from my bare feet picked up every bit of dust, dirt, and dog hair in the house and brought it along. Shoes, she insisted, or at leasts slippers, were much cleaner. (Of course, that's assuming you wiped your feet before coming in -- and checked for anything you might be bringing along.)

As for taking off my shoes at other people's homes -- I don't mind, but if I'm in socks, they need to have rugs. No rugs, I need to be barefoot, because socks are slippery on hard floors, and I've racked up a couple of falls when hitting the "ice" of a linoleum floor in stockings. (And seen others do the same.)

So for me, I don't mind taking off my shoes, but don't expect me to help in the kitchen. I'm avoiding injury, not work.