Commercial fruitcake is, indeed, nothing to be pleased by, except to the extent that you're pleased by any gooey, oversweet American industrial pastry, such as the cellophane-wrapped muffins served on the "continental breakfast" line at the less expensive motel chains. As with so many things, the commercial version has upped the grease and sugar to a point that the lower reptile brain craves it but the higher cognitive functions are repelled, hence fruitcake's simultaneous persistence as a product and as a butt of jokes.
Stollen is a closer relative of panettone than it is of any fruitcake, having the fluffier consistency of sweet bread. A true fruitcake should be dense, a brick of cake, but it should not be repellently gooey, greasy or sticky. For years I have made batches of fruitcakes as presents in a roughly old English style, loosely inspired by a recipe in Fannie Farmer, full of robust spices and flavors such as molasses and tempering the candied fruits with more substantial things such as dates, figs and apricots. Here's what I do:
Old-Fashioned Dark FruitcakeContainers of candied red and green cherries, orange peel, lemon peel, citron (I use one small container of each for 4 loaves, except a large container of the red cherries)
A cup or so each of dried figs, dates and apricots, roughly chopped
2 sticks butter, or 1 stick butter + 1/2 cup shortening
2 C dark brown sugar
2 tsp lemon extract
4 eggs
1 C molasses
4 C flour (I use 1 C whole wheat in mix)
1 tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp allspice
1 tsp mace
1/2 tsp cloves
1 tsp salt
1 C milk
Butter four small loaf pans. Preheat oven to 325F.
Cream the butter/shortening, add brown sugar, beat. Add lemon extract and eggs, beat well. Stir in molasses.
Mix together dry ingredients. Beat into the wet mixture. Add milk and beat till smooth.
Stir in fruits. I find it helps to put half of everything in, stir it around, then put the other half in. Pour into four loaf pans and bake for an hour to 1:15, using toothpick to test doneness.
Allow to cool a bit, then gently tap out of pans. Cut four lengths of cheesecloth* about two feet long. Pour some brandy in a shallow dish, let the cheesecloth soak it up, then use it to wrap each fruitcake, place bac in baking pans, cover with foil. Let cure for at least a week; sprinkle cloth with brandy once a week if not eaten already!
* Great Cathy2 observation: buy cheesecloth at a fabric store, not a cooking-related store, you will pay a fraction.