Wedding etiquette question

Hi everyone,
I'm attending my new boss' wedding this coming weekend. She is very new to the company (only 6 weeks), but we have a pretty good relationship thus far. I was unable to go to her shower, but gave her a gift anyway. The wedding is out of town, so I will be paying for a pricey hotel room for me and my guest. I also designed her invitations as a favor. Knowing all that, what is an appropriate gift for the actual wedding? I usually like to be more creative than just $$, but since I have only a few days left, I would take any suggestions at this point. Thanks!

Well, except for the new boss part, I'd say go to the Crate & Barrel outlet and pick up a couple of candleholders marked down to 1.99, you already gave two gifts fer cryin' out loud, but since this person is a boss type person, and thus has power of life and death over you, well...

Hey, yeah, wait a minute. Doesn't a wedding shower cover you for the wedding a short time later? Are you really supposed to be hit up twice within a few weeks by the same weddee? I guess we're into gal stuff I don't know about now...

I also designed her invitations as a favor. Knowing all that, what is an appropriate gift for the actual wedding? I usually like to be more creative than just $$,

If I were in your boss shoes, I would go out of my way to explain your kind assistance in designing the invitation is indeed your gift to me.

When I was in college, a friend of mine had his classic gift: a cake server. It usually wasn't on the gift list yet useful, thoughtful and not very expensive. I have given antique serving pieces as wedding gifts, which evolve into instant heirlooms. Admittedly, these antique items are sometimes kept by me and I buy something new.

Mike - Bridal shower gift and wedding gifts are seperate, though I understand your point. Usually shower gifts are general household items, or at least it is in my crowd. Wedding gifts are bigger ticket items like china, silver, monogramed towels, etc.

Good luck navigating this Bosses' wedding situation.

Regards,

I think this is one of those cases where Miss Manners would say that the boss should have more sense than to put you in such a situation. I agree with Cathy, the boss should have said at the time that the invitations were your gift to her. But I can understand if you feel kind of awkward about expectations if she has not made that clear.

Is your boss also new to Chicago, besides being new to the company? If so, maybe a Chicago-oriented gift would be unusual, appreciated, and cost less than the serving spoon in her silver pattern. Maybe a gift certificate to a restaurant you like and that she might not otherwise know about? or two tickets for an architecture boat tour?

Amata wrote:Is your boss also new to Chicago, besides being new to the company? If so, maybe a Chicago-oriented gift would be unusual, appreciated, and cost less than the serving spoon in her silver pattern. Maybe a gift certificate to a restaurant you like and that she might not otherwise know about? or two tickets for an architecture boat tour?

Little Three Happiness comes to mind.

I have nothing to contribute except my bafflement at the whole scenario.

I can't imagine inviting to my wedding people that a) I have only known for 6 weeks, b) have only known in a professional capacity, c) are technically subordinates and d) have to go out of town and shell out for a hotel.

Am I way off base or is this sort of innapropriate and just plain odd, beginning with having magpie design her invitations in the first place?

This is not just some get-together, this is a central, personal/intimate moment in life - and she just invites the entire office?

I really don't get it.

mrbarolo wrote:I really don't get it.

Mrb:

I'm with you; I don't get it and, to whatever degree I do get it, I don't think it makes a lot of sense. Under the circumstances, it seems to me no further gift should be expected, though admittedly, the professional relationship perhaps demands an offering.

Am I a swine for thinking it was actually rude to extend the invitation in the first place?...

Bring the nuptial pair a big, runny piece of Limburger or a package of natto.

"Cent' anni!"


A

All very good points, everybody. I am trying to look on the bright side of things, turn it into a vacation of sorts for me and my mate.

And I should correct myself- I designed the programs for the wedding, not the actual invitations. My mind must have been somewhere else when I typed that.

Unfortunately, she is a Chicago native, and she and her future husband have done every type of Chicago activity and restaurant possible. They are also each bringing kids to the marriage, which kind of makes me want to get them something they could all enjoy as a family.

Also, to address some of mrbarolo's comments, I am also a little surprised that I was even invited, but I think it's a nice gesture because we will be working closely together. She only invited a handful of people from the office, only ones that she knows as well as me.

So if I were to just give $$, what would an appropriate dollar amount be?

magpie, don't give her money! she is your boss! you need the money more than they do!

give some object -- maybe some nice wine?

Hi,

I agree with Amata, no money.

Why not a wine, which will be at peak maturity at their 10th anniversary?

Personally, I would not invite a soul to my wedding whom I worked with for only 6 weeks; especially out of town. It's a tall order for a very young relationship. Of course, I would never have dreamed of having you help with the programs, either. There are some fuzzy boundaries in this work relationship.

Regards,

Am I a swine for thinking it was actually rude to extend the invitation in the first place?...

Absolutely! As in you are not the swine but rather the invitation should never have been extended. In a professional environment, this wedding should have been kept under the radar especially considering how new this manager is to the firm. Or better yet, start your new job after the wedding.

Regards,

They are also each bringing kids to the marriage, which kind of makes me want to get them something they could all enjoy as a family.

How about a family membership to one of the Chicago museums? The Field has cool family camp-outs. Science and Industry is probably most kids' favorite. The Children's Musuem on Navy Pier would be good if the kids are young. Or the Shedd, the planetarium, etc.

"How about a family membership to one of the Chicago museums?"

That's a really nice idea. I was thinking that the wine idea was nice. Especially a vintage to mature in 5-10 years for an anniversary. (I actually did that for a friend's wedding with a whole series of bottles each earmarked for a specific anniversary - a bit anal, I know, but hey...)

But the family membership to a Chicago cultural institution for a Chi. newcomer is a really nice idea. Gets my vote.

P.S. site talk: why isn't my quote in a quote box? I used the Quote button to create it. Just wondering.

I really like the wine idea, too, but only if you know they have the ability to store wine long term.

i agree with the wine idea as well. and since you've got the creative juice to do some graphic design, why not make a personal, special label for whatever bottle you give (her) them.

I too am baffled by all this gifting stuff. I have a relatively young friend, whose on marriage #2. gave gifts for the 1st bachelorette party, shower and wedding. Was invited to and gave gifts for the 2nd - engagement party, bachelorette party, shower and wedding. Then the happy (and loaded) couple moved to Charlotte NC to start a family. Although the family is from the chicago/detroit areas, they opted to have a baby shower in NC. Being a little strapped for $$, i declined the verbal invitation to fly out there, spring for airfare and hotel and gift (deciding that i'd send something when jr is born). But i was still sent a formal invitation in the mail, complete with gift registration information for 3 stores.

where does it end??

leesh

Sharon et al,

Greed has no end, which is ultimately the bottom line in this situation.

I like the wine suggestions, and could definitely pursue it. However, being quite the wine novice, can anyone point me in the direction of something appropriate for the occasion?

It's funny, I've never posted anything (here or on the "other" site) that has generated so many comments...

That's tough without knowing much about the recipient. If you're still thinking of a wine to keep for a significant anniversary, then you're talking about a fairly hefty bottle that needs or at least can take some age. This will, therefore, not necessarily be an easy-drinking, introductory sort of bottle for a wine novice.

I mention this only because I chose an absolutely gorgeous barolo for a couple once - already well aged (the bottle, not the couple) - and my friend sheepishly brought it back to me to ask if perhaps the bottle had gone off. It hadn't, they just weren't ready for a wine that huge and assertive.

Of course, a recent good vintage champagne is always appropriate and can age a bit, though not as much as, say, a Bordeaux.

Is there any way of gauging the couple's taste or wine experience?

I am a bit mystified at the presumption of many of my fellow LTH'ers. I know nothing of Magpie or her boss or for that matter how dependent they are on one another. I do know however, that anyone that can type a message here, should be able to at least creatively excuse herself from a situation....all it would take would be my grandmother's 100th birthday party...so let's assume that Magpie does in fact wish to go, does in fact wish to bring a gift, but is a bit concerned with the appropriateness of a gift and not that her new boss may just wish to invite her to see what she undoubtedly has been talking about non-stop for the last six months (and that is my presumption that she is no different than any other bride).

I agree, wine is a great gift...though not for teatotlers.


Here is what I did for my cousin's wedding. You will see that price is relative and you may adjust to your price point. I gave them three bottles of wine. I also went to Costco and purchased one of their faux antique boxes. Next I went to the fabric store and purchased a silky remnant for about $1 and whatever you call that pillow stuffing stuff. I then made a statin like pillow by putting the stuffing in the bottom and simply tucking the satin-esq material in hospital corner bed fashion. (Eat your heart out Martha)

One thing you need to know about vintages, is that they are not available for the wedding year. You also should know that some wine is meant to keep and some is meant to drink right away.


So I selected three wines, two of which were to be replaced. I wrote a bunch of silly poetic fodder, like here is a dessert wine for your first fight, so that you can be reminded of the sweeter times. Take this first bottle of Champagne and share it when you buy a house, by that time a vintage in the year you were married should be available purchase a sautern from your wedding year vintage, which will keep for fifty years. If you can make up a program, you have enough creative juice to write something worthwile. For reference, see the Wall Street Journal Guide to Wine, which has a nice section on wines to keep (may even call it lay down). Do a google.

Head to a wine store with a knowledgeble staff....you would be surprise at the number of clerks who will find this project interesting. Give them a brief outline (or if you have enough information, write out the whole instruction manual ahead of time). Then adjust, improvise, rewrite. Select wines in the price point. Remember, these do not have to be the big wines to lay down. Two of the three will be replaced in a few years.

I have given this present on a few occasions. Writing a little, writing a lot, spending as little as $30.00 and as much as, well, let's just say my cousin is special.

Let us know what you decide.

pd

Head to a wine store with a knowledgeble staff....you would be surprise at the number of clerks who will find this project interesting. Give them a brief outline (or if you have enough information, write out the whole instruction manual ahead of time). Then adjust, improvise, rewrite. Select wines in the price point. Remember, these do not have to be the big wines to lay down. Two of the three will be replaced in a few years.

Will wonders ever cease? Martha Stewart has a competitor. A door closes and a window of opportunity opens. Touche Peter for making us look so cynical.

Best regards,

What about a picnic basket? Something the couple, or the family, can do together, can be simple (read:inexpensive) or fancy. You could customize an inexpensive one easily with napkins and some food items or wine.

Peter, your thoughtfulness does not amaze (because I know you), but it does inspire. I intend to rip this idea for the next wedding gift I'm called upon to give. I may forgo the pillow type thing, maybe even the fancy box entirely....I guess what I like is giving wine with semi-poetic bilge (which happens to be my strong suit).

David

David,

A non-exclusive, perpetual, paid-in-full license is granted in exchange for future consideration, namely, send a draft of what you write...I could use more ideas. FYI, don't leave out the pillow thingy, it does look really cool when left open on the gift table next to a bunch of similar boxes all wrapped with ticky, takky and all much the same...


FYI#2, not my intent to make anyone look cynical and also not to let Magpie off the hook....

It wouldn't hurt for you to have a tactful and open conversation with your boss, if indeed you felt put upon. If I knew the parties better, I might suggest starting off with "Where are you registered, I would like to get you something in addition to my gift of helping you design the program" You have then left a gracious moment for your boss to respond pointedly.


Now for the real cynics....Did you design the programs on your own time or company time?

Regards,
Peter

Peter & everyone,
I do know where she is registered, as I already bought her a shower gift. I don't really want to revisit that because I only found one item that was appropriate (and affordable) Whatever I do, I guess I will have to give the gift to her before the actual wedding because I don't want to have to lug it up to Wisconsin with me.

I designed the program on my own time, but used company equipment

Truly, I don't feel put upon. I just want to do the most appropriate thing, even if the circumstances are a little odd. I want to have as good of a relationship with the new boss as I did with the old one. Also, my company is a very relaxed, family-owned business so people tend to be a lot more friendly with each other. I can't even count how many people have met through our company and dated, married, etc. So this situation is a bit more normal than in the "real" corporate world.

Glad to hear it. Hope the suggestions help. Is your company hiring

pd

Angela sent me what I wrote....she could also use some tips on NYC, she is at aedaane@yahoo.com.

pd



1. On your first anniversary drink the Zinfandel and replace it with a wine you choose together to drink each year. Remember some years will be better than others.

2. On your fifth anniversary drink the small bottle of Sauternes it will give you a taste for the golden years. Replace it with lasting Sauternes that will make it to your twenty-fifth or fiftyith. Buy a year 2003 which will be released by then.

3. The Bordeaux is a great vintage that is released in the year of your marriage it will last for a very special occasion. I hope you have many special occasions to enjoy and replace.

We get to drink a bottle pretty soon!! Guess where we are going for our anniversary? Do you give up...New York!! I'm really excited we just booked it today!! We are staying at the Waldorf-Astoria. I guess it was the best deal! We have tickets to a Yankees game for Friday night! I'm so excited. Any other recommended spots. There is so much I want to do I have to narrow it down!

Peter,

That is a fantastic gift - one that I will keep in mind for future weddings. I must say, that while not appropriate for Magpie, the most creative wedding gift I ever got was from two men in their early twenties. They didn't have a lot of money, but they got together and gave us $100 worth of English pounds for our honeymoon. It was such a thoughtful gesture as we had enough for our first day in London without having to immediately search out a cash machine. I always love the creative gift, the unexpected. Having recently received many, many gifts for the baby, the one that I will remember best was Gwiv and Ellen's: a box full of the stinkiest raw milk and blue cheeses - something that I couldn't eat while pregnant. It was also great as many people wanted to stop by and meet the little thunderous one and their gift gave us something to serve our visitors. One may say that it wasn't really for the baby, but you know, how many blue blankets can one little child use? Plus, I kept the box among his keepsakes - it holds all the corks from the wine we shared with his first visitors.

You should be thankful you weren't invited to this wedding:

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=8&u=/ap/20040624/ap_on_re_eu/france_lavish_wedding

Don't give money unless you're Italian, related by blood or impending marriage, and can shove it in the special little purse for that purpose (or stuff it down the dress).

The only exception would be if you're Mexican and can pin cash on the couple during the "Dance of the Dollars."

There are probably other exceptions, but those are the only two I know of, through marriage.

The whole thing is a little odd and I would probably be a bit resentful if it happened to me. I was resentful at the wedding of a (thankfully) former sister-in-law, who invited over 100 people from her summer law-school internship to her wedding, which started out as a semi-formal garden affair and then was supposed to morph into a pot-luck bar-b-que to be followed by a softball game in the park across the street.

I had to call all these law firm people two days before the wedding, ask if they were coming, and if so, what they were bringing to the pot-luck. Most of them had not had the courtesy to RSVP to the formal request for such RSVP on the invitations I had also been pressed into service to design. (also I had to do the wedding cake:-)

But then, I'm not much on formality. I didn't even have a photographer at my wedding (hating to have my picture taken, and realizing that there would be plenty of relatives popping flashes in our faces anyway), much less did I think of inviting people I might only have known for a few weeks.

Thanks again to everyone who gave their advice. I finally decided to order bulbs (tulips, crocuses, etc.) and have them delivered in the fall for their new home. She loves to garden and this way it's something the whole family can enjoy every year. I found some great websites for this purpose, I'll post them if anyone is interested. It's also a great gift because you get a LOT of bulbs for your money.