Burger Lust

Burger Lust

I’m posting this in Non-Food Chat because even though it does relate to food, this is more about human frailty, appetites, and uncontrollable urges.

I desire hamburger. Not just sometimes. All the time. I like the bun, the moist meat, warm and steamy, even the mayo (when available). Everything about it. Tasty, salty, I like it.

This, for me, is a relatively new phenomenon (at least, it hasn’t been so powerful a drive since my teen years). Like all meat-eating males (and females too, so I’ve heard), I like me a burger. Recently, though, I crave it constantly. Last night, The Wife asked me what I wanted for dinner, and I said quickly, with instinctual thoughtlessness, “Hamburgers.” She looked surprised and said, “We just did that,” referring to the burgers we'd had night before last (she did not know I had snuck out to Portillo’s during the intervening 24 hours – it was damn good).

I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of about this healthy human impulse. I will admit, though, that sometimes when I find myself cruising for burgers along darkened streets, or when I dash into Wendy’s for a quickie (which I can do in under 10 minutes, faster than a pervert at a peep show), I feel, somehow, dirty. Sometimes, I’m not sure I’m really enjoying the experience; I’m just doing it because I want to… because I have to.

Last night, I was roused from sleep by a dream of pink patties, sizzling. I woke up ravenous and ready for beef on a bun.

Any way, thank you for reading. Confession is good for the soul…and now, it’s almost lunch time…and there’s only one thing on my mind.

David “Big Boy” Hammond

david...i'm curious -- is only the "burger" you want? Or ground meat in general? In other words, can your craving be satisfied with some sort of ground beef mixture -- tacos? Chili? Something along those lines? Or only the burger/bun mixture, cooked exactly like you want it?

I know how you feel because I dream of pasta in the same way. Usually pasta with a sausage ragu is what I crave -- the fattier the meat, the better. I know I need to stop eating sausage but somehow...I can't. Garlic, tomatoes and wonderful wonderful sausage. Last night's indulgence featured my first purchase of the Barese at Bari. Mmmmm...

Garlic!

Cheers...

shannon

I hate to say this, but I think that the symptoms you describe leave little doubt that you are suffering from severe pattyphilia. There are various support groups which may be helpful. Often however, especially in advanced cases such as yours, more agressive treatments including drugs (?pattycillin),aversion therapy (where you sit in a dark room and are forced to look at pictures of patty melts, juicy double cheeseburgers and stuffed cuban hamburgers while recieving shocks to your tender regions ) or even surgical 'adjustments' (sometimes even radical "whopperectomy") may be required.

Unfortunately, despite these efforts treatment is often unsuccesfu. Most pattyphiles will continue to reoffend and continued deterioration is the rule. Early on, many sufferers are able to fool their family and friends and continue to lead a relatively normal life... sneaking out for a 'fix' from time to time. Eventually however, the condition takes it's toll . In the late stages the outcome is not pretty. Bloated and pale, these poor souls can be seen furtively lurking around White Castle drive thrus in the wee hours, willing to do almost anything for a 'crave sak'.

For the safety of all of us, you need to register with the state.

Isn't this the very issue addressed by the immortal song "Cheeseburger in Paradise?"

David Hammond wrote: there’s only one thing on my mind.

David “Big Boy” Hammond

Thanks, Big Boy. Now I've got to grill a burger for dinner.

Dave, do you say "Big Boy" like that guy in the bank commercial? You know, where he has to give up his password to get through to a customer service rep?



I totally understand.....totally....

dees_1 wrote:Dave, do you say "Big Boy" like that guy in the bank commercial?

Dees,

I'm guessing David 'Big Boy' Hammond is referring to the Big Boy of hamburger fame. But with Hammond you just never know.

Enjoy,
Gary

Dave,

Your "confession" is probably the funniest thing I've ever read online. Only on LTH would I find such a post. Thanks for the laughs!

David Hammond wrote:I desire hamburger.

Big Boy,

I've been on a bit of a burger kick myself grilled a couple of charred on the outside, rare in the middle, burgers on Memorial Day and had a diner type bacon burger for lunch today.

Diner Grill


Burgers, not just for breakfast anymore.

Enjoy,
Gary

Diner Grill
1635 W Irving
Chicago, IL
773-248-2030

Repent, ye sinners!


Hamburgers are evil and with them are associated all of the seven deadly sins, as the wicked Mr. Hammond's post clearly demonstrates: behold the confusion of base lust and gluttony that leads one to crave this dæmonic food, the preparation of which asks little work of the slothful. Mind well how his unbridled desire leads him to commit all manner of unspeakable acts which in due course will stand as sorry examples of wrath and greed and envy and pride.

I denounce this barbarous food item and all who partake thereof. Indeed, I and other like-minded people of good conscience are currently lobbying the aldermen in Chicago to enact a city-wide ban on the production, sale and consumption of ground-beef patties (other meat patties and patties containing mixtures of meats and starchy fillers are exempt, since we do not wish to offend any of the ethnic and dietary minorities that have contributed so much to Chicago's vibrant and diverse meat culture). In addiition, depictions and lurid descriptions of such ground-beef patties will also be banned within the city limits, along with the use of the word H*mb*rg*r. So far, Alderman Moe Hoore has indicated that he will vigorously support this movement.

Pro Deo et Patria,
Antonio Torquemada de la Plancha