Four Loko: A Disgusting Experiment

After hearing/reading so much about the infamous Four Loko ("it tastes like candy, but contains massive amounts of alcohol!" "it looks like an energy drink, they're trying to trick people!" "won't somebody think of the children!"), so when I spotted a wide selection of them at the 7-Eleven by my house, I decided to try one for myself. After much deliberation, I went with the watermelon flavor.

The first thing that surprised me was the sheer size of these things - unless you get one of the "Four Loko Poco" varieties that are apparently available (the 7-Eleven didn't have them), the stuff comes in massive 23.5oz cans. The second thing that surprised me was the price: $3.29. It was on par with tallboy beer prices, but at 12% alcohol, offered significantly more boozy bang for the buck.

When I popped the top, the first smell that hit me was reminiscent of watermelon Jolly Rancher...not exactly the bouquet of a fine Bourdeaux, but better than I expected from a giant, obnoxious can whose design looks like it was inspired by the aftermath of a Gallagher show. The first sip, however, was not so innocuous. The initial taste was that of intense, overwhelming sweetness, followed by the chemical taste of artificial watermelon flavor. Finally, there was the lingering burn of low-quality alcohol. Once the burn passed, I could already feel the heartburn starting from the massive amounts of what I can only assume is industrial-grade HFCS. Unfortunately, subsequent sips weren't any better - my palate didn't grow accustomed to the taste, so much as curl up in fetal position and surrender to the onslaught.

I got about half way through the can when I started to feel the buzz. This was not a pleasant, teen-aged, down-at-the-lake-with-friends, Boones Farm-on-a-summer-day buzz...this was a mean, uneasy, tense-muscled buzz. A you-don't-find-trouble, trouble-finds-you buzz. There should be a warning on the back that says, "Caution: may cause you to break a bottle and wave it menacingly at someone who may or may not have looked at you funny". I had a few more sips, and started to feel nauseated - the remaining 9 ounces or so were poured down the kitchen sink.

I anticipated that this stuff would be somewhat nasty, so my initial plan was to follow it with a nice, mellow La Chouffe or Chimay Rouge. However, after fighting through 14 ounces of the stuff, I decided a tall glass of water, a Tums, and a couple of Advils would probably be a better choice.

In summary, unless you're 17, were born without taste buds, want to get wasted in as short a time as possible, and are looking to start a fight or two, I would advise against Four Loko for your holiday party or neighborhood BYOB needs.

Pro tip: the four loko that is currently available no longer contains energy drink ingredients. Easiest way to simulate the original Four Loko is to mix a five hour energy in with each can. I don't recommend this, as it may result in you trying to quickly slide around a corner in your socks and falling, hard. Also, Watermelon is the "best" flavor. You really don't want to try the rest.

If you think Four Loko is bad, wait till you try Tilt, with Certified Color!

If that's not taking one for the team, I don't know what is. Thanks for the report!

So you'd say it falls more toward the tequila end of the Liquor Cabinet Taste Test spectrum?

JimTheBeerGuy wrote:So you'd say it falls more toward the tequila end of the Liquor Cabinet Taste Test spectrum?

HA! Awesome

That's quite the obnoxious website, too.

Is it fizzy? The drink, I mean.

Pie Lady wrote:That's quite the obnoxious website, too.

Is it fizzy? The drink, I mean.

Yes, it's carbonated. It's a lot like those jolly rancher sodas you see available some places, except very alcoholic.

Pie Lady wrote:That's quite the obnoxious website, too.

Is it fizzy? The drink, I mean.

It's fizzy, but not super fizzy...maybe half as carbonated as a normal soda. If it was more carbonated, I think it would've been significantly more palatable (but still pretty gross).

As a man who has drank many a 4 Loko over the past year, I can tell you a few things:

1. One will get you drunk. Not wasted, but certifiably drunk.
2. Two will get you blacked out, and hyper.
3. Watermelon is probably the worst flavor.
4. Lemonade is probably the best.
5. I no longer drink there, unless I for some reason need to get super loose super quickly (rare, but occasionally it happens).

Oh, yeah, lemonade wasn't bad.

Fruit Punch was the worst of the seven or eight flavors I've tried.