Man vs. Gateau: cooking the Heston Blumenthal Way

Excluding illustrations, the recipe runs to eight pages and consists of six stages (I exclude the dried vanilla pod stalks). For all the detail, ambiguities remain. When combining the various strata that constitute the heart of the gateau, there was no explanation of a white layer that not only formed one of the strata, but also, according to a photograph, the sides of this construction. It appeared to be gelatinised kirsch cream, but the recipe merely said: "Manoeuvre it on top of the chocolate sponge using a palette knife or fish slice." Where the hell did the white sides come from? And what do you use to put them there? A brickie's trowel?

Pizza took me to Naples. Here I was slightly disturbed to find that the San Marzano tomato has declined a little in quality au naturel and only retains its flavour when canned, but I was heartened to discover that the Neapolitans are not using Manitoba flour, which has been poor this year. Water is also a much misunderstood ingredient in pizza making; only H2O with a pH level of 900 microsiemens should be used.

1. Build oven capable of reaching temperatures of 2,000,000C.

2. Get gnarled old Italian peasant to knead dough for 47 years.

3. Cook for 93 nanoseconds.

Only pigs with an IQ of more than 140 should be considered when making sausages. I know there has been much debate about cultural relativism in pig IQ testing, but I've always found that asking a pig what spices it prefers to be cooked with sorts out the Gloucestershire Old Spots from the Tamworths. Maris Pipers make the best mash, but beware of potatoes grown at a depth of more than 14.72cms as they have too much dry matter.

1. Push entire pig through a sieve.

2. Add lark's embryo to taste.

3. Steamroller potatoes.