Convenience Foods--bemused rant

My general approach to this entire category of brown-n-serve, simmer-n-slurp, open-n-osmose processed nonsense is to ignore it entirely but for the occasional eye-rolling when a new entry in the pack crosses my consciousness. I fervently believe that 'convenience food' is neither, and represents only the opportunity to pay an egregious premium for the privilege of abusing one's palate and shortening one's life.

That said, I was hustling from cubicle to rehearsal hall the other day when, at the corner of Adams and Canal, I came upon a small truck being off-loaded by a crew of energetic young people clearly setting up a sample give-away of some kind for the evening rush.

As I got closer, it became clear that what was being distributed was not merely packs of gum, or a new health bar, or, God forbid more CokeBlechhh, but something far more substantial (at least in packaging bulk).

There was a plastic tub of some kind, and a label dominated by that universal shade of green now used by mega-corporations to signify the absence of fat and flavor, and the unspoken presence of sodium and various vegetable gums.

Nonetheless, in the space of about 5 yards (how quickly our deeply-held principles turn harlot and betray our better selves!) I had resolved to snag whatever it was in order to save the time and money needed to stop and grab something better on the way, what with already being late, etc., etc., blah, blah, rationalization, rationalization...

The samples in question turned out to be something from Hilshire Farms. The tagline is, I believe, "just add lettuce." The actual product is called something forgetable like "Salad Entrees."

Inside the clear plastic tub were what I can only describe as props from some futuristic dystopian fantasy film of the 70s. Or possibly rejected prototypes of food for astronauts from the Apollo era.

There was a clear plastic packet of soft, wet, white, 1/2-inch cubes, awash in truly nasty-looking liquid and labeled "turkey." The list of ingredients not, to my knowledge, part of the DNA of actual turkeys went on almost longer than the packet label could contain. Water, sodium, carmel color, perservatives, hydrolized things, hydrogenated other things...if any actual turky lost its life to this product, I'd be deeply surprised.

Then there was a packet of shredded "cheese" which looked, smelled, and tasted as if a candle had passed through a cheese grater.

Then another packet, this one foil, containing "croutons." And another containing some form of salad dressing, made from most of the same things that went into the "turkey" with the addition of a lot of oil and sugar.

The need this product seems designed to fill, is that oh-so-common situation where, I guess, you find yourself on the go, with a nice, fresh head of lettuce, but no meat or cheese with which to make the "chef's salad" you suddenly crave. Voila!

I don't know if this is a test run, or if this item is actually on store shelves, but I simply can't imagine the market for these bits of flavorless, waxy, processed, carcinogenic, globs of non-food, let alone any price that anyone would pay for them, when, probably at the very same store, they could by an edible roll, and a bit of real cheese, and even a slice of better quality deli meat.

There is a commercial running for these (I think on Food Network - it amuses me no end that most of its food commercials are for convenience foods) I was trying to fathom why you would "add lettuce," because in the commercial someone is eating a quite nice-looking romaine salad topped with what appears to be pink cubed skin. You know it's bad when they can't even make it look inviting in the ad.

They were handing these out near our building and when I went to put mine in the communal fridge (with one of our handy "bite me" stickers we use to indicate the food is available for all) I saw there were three or four others already there. Since I already had a bag of spinach in the office fridge, left from my great semi-homemade dumpling soup (my own brown chicken stock made from Wettsteins backs and necks plus Trader Joe's chicken potstickers, plus spinach) I confess that the next day I actually made myself the chef's salad. Pretty much what you'd expect, which is to say not good, but not worse than what you'd get in lots of restaurants these days. But never in a million years can I imagine buying one.

I've paid cash money for one. Bought it at the local Jewel (out in Palatine). Right after my thought of "Who in the world needs this?" was "Ehh.... it's a buck. Worth a shot."

In my defense, it was the cranberry turkey one, sounded good at the time, and I usually don't have sweet dressings or dried cranberries around at my house. I expected it to be kinda gross. And it was.

I can see the market as people who don't look around in a grocery store and don't know that quality versions of the ingredients are available, or people who just don't want to keep masses of something on hand for a "single" meal. I'd guess it will have a short enough life based on people like me who will just try it... people who really think that convenience foods can and should be good, but rarely are.

Hillshire Farms has been test marketing those "salad kits" (just add lettuce) for several months now. I have to say, they would do better by starting up a different brand name. Hillshire Farms reminds me of sausage and little else.