Just Kill Me: The Machine Shed, Iowa

Just Kill Me: The Machine Shed, Iowa

I went to the very first Machine Shed in Davenport, Iowa, in the late 80’s. I was working at Alcoa, and the guys at the plant wanted to go somewhere special. At the time, it seemed, well, just fine. But that was long ago. I went again last weekend to their Des Moines location. It was, in a word, a pukefest.

The tag line for this wreck of a place is “A Restaurant Honoring the American Farmer,” by which they mean the dumb-ass joint is decorated with farmeriana (pitchforks, tractors, etc.) and they serve beer in mini-Ball jars. The meal begins with big bowls of cottage cheese and Cole slaw, perhaps the two best things we had. Then, it was all downhill very quickly.

What is most ghastly about the grub is the overwhelming sweetness of it all. Take a look at these Burnt Ends of beef and pork. I didn’t taste much burn, but the glossiness of the sauce is a giveaway that this glazed pile of slop is just sweet on meat, not by definition bad, but in this case, definitely so. Just about inedible, like a meat sundae.



I had a platter of roast pork, tenderloin wrapped in bacon, and “Tangy Tenderloin,” which carried a registration mark, indicating it to be some kind of Franken-meat, probably patented, despicable.



Check out the splash of sour cream topped with cherries, yielding a revolting color combination and one more sweet item in a flood of sweetness. Sweet potato? Not sweet enough! Add marshmallows.

Revolting. Stay away. Yuck.

http://www.machineshed.com/restaurants/davenport.asp

Usually, I add contact information about restaurants I discuss; I am not doing so here because, well, I don't want you to be disgraced by dining at the Machine Shed, a Disney-like dump that dishonors the American farmer with cornpone clichés and crappy chow.

David “Don’t say I didn’t warn you” Hammond

But what did you really think about the place?

I didn't despise the Machine Shed in Rockford -- I don't know how closely they're tied. It was troublesome for Thing1's Kosher-keeping girlfriend, though, as about the only non-meat meal on the menu (that wasn't salad) was deep fried.

Almost everything has pork in it somewhere, it got to be a joke, we were doing the Muppet's Swedish Chef with "Pork Pork Pork!" instead of "Bork Bork Bork"

I also had the so-called Burnt Ends, and agree, there was nothing burnt, no bark to speak of but the meat did have a fair amount of smokey flavor. Mine was not so liberally doused with sauce.

This Machine Shed thread from a few years ago has some OK reviews. I thought the roasted pork chop was pretty good.

David Hammond wrote:Just about inedible, like a meat sundae

"We want beef in dessert if we can get it there." --Betty Hogan, Director of New Product Marketing, National Cattlemen's Beef Association

The Machine Shed people also have other restaurants in their group. I've been to the Johnny's Italian Steakhouse in Peoria and the Thunder Bay Grille in Rockford. Both are far different from the Machine Shed and have none of the gitchy decor or themes. I found the food at each to be very good but a little on the expensive side, especially when you're taking 3 teens to Johnny's Italian Steakhouse.

http://www.hoari.com/restaurants.html

David Hammond wrote:Take a look at these Burnt Ends of beef and pork.... the glossiness of the sauce is a giveaway that this glazed pile of slop is just sweet on meat, not by definition bad, but in this case, definitely so. Just about inedible, like a meat sundae.

That's meat? I thought it was some kind of dessert at first when I got a look at it, and it looks utterly hideous now that I know it's burnt ends! Absolutely horrible. Well, not much of a chance I'd go there in Des Moines, but I'll steer clear.

If you are ever stuck in Rockford the Machine Shed does a passable breakfast. It is close to the highway so i often meet clients there. Nothing to write home about but the coffee is better then the steak and shake across the street.

iblock9 wrote:If you are ever stuck in Rockford the Machine Shed does a passable breakfast.

It seems that some of these Disney-like "down home places" sometimes excel at breakfast (or are at their best early in the day). Cracker Barrel is also in the group of places that strive for rustic charm and can deliver "passable" or better preparations of eggs and pancakes.

Machine Shed serves a breaded pork tenderloin sandwich that can compete with the best of them. So therefore I have no problem with them.

We stopped at the Machine Shed in Pewaukee yesterday on our way to Oconomowoc for the breaded pork tenderloin sandwich. It was everything a pork tenderloin should be, and was definitely fresh, not one of those pounded-within-an-inch-of-its-life sandwiches you so often find. The breading was crispy, although I thought it needed a little more seasoning than it came with. The meat was tender. I dumped the bun, which was nothing special. Sweet potato fries were very good. We would definitely stop there again.

Seth Z, take note -- they have a whole wall of bacon related products. On my way out I picked up some bacon flavored lip balm -- because, as it says on the packaging, everything should taste like bacon!

Suzy