World-Class Asses: Finger-Lickers

World-Class Asses: Finger-Lickers

Like all ethically upright individuals and former Boy Scouts, I place a high priority on cleanliness. Waterless antibacterial soap is in my briefcase at all times; I always use a paper towel when opening the doors of public lavatories, wash my hands many times throughout the day, and generally try to set a golden example for the rest of humanity by being a model of right behavior. Hey, it’s what I do.

While it takes a whole lot to motivate a generous soul like me to designate another group of god’s chillen World-Class Asses, I feel justified in applying that label to yet one more bunch of folks who seem clearly deserving of that title.



Over lunch, while watching Jacques Pepin prepare “More Fast Food,” I was shocked to see him spread a big cracker with what looked like crème fraîche and then (sacre bleu!) LICK a thick finger that was covered with the stuff. He then proceeded to apply, by hand, red onions and salmon, all the while cavalierly and unconsciously coating each of these additional ingredients with his spittle before cutting the whole thing up for serving to guests. I was appalled and made a note to myself to never eat anything chez Jacques.

I don’t get the whole finger-licking thing.



Who licks fingers? Chimps…and humans who seemingly emulate those primates.

If I have something on my finger, even if it tastes good, I wipe it off…especially if I’m preparing food for others.



But even if I’m not cooking, the very notion of tongue-whipping a digit is unspeakably loathsome.

At a restaurant, if I see a guy sucking his fingers, I can only imagine that the bacteria he transfers from mouth to hands is going to end up on salt and pepper shakers, catsup containers, napkin holders, chair backs, and all kinds of other objects touched by people who surely do not wish to share his bodily fluids.



I was driving along Washington in Oak Park the other day, and there was a guy walking along, eating from a bag of fried chicken. He stuck two (!) fingers in his mouth at once to drain them of any residual tasty greases. I almost careened off the road in revulsion.

Can there be any conceivable justification for this aesthetically offensive and clearly unhygienic practice? I’m not saying finger-lickers should be banned from restaurants or have their offending tongues and fingers cut off. That would probably be going too far. But somebody has to bring it to the attention of these slack-jawed knuckleheads that their behavior does not please me.



I tried licking my fingers once. I didn’t like the taste; I don’t understand why anyone would. So, for their role in transmitting even more disease in this disease-ridden world, for making me want to hurl at the sight of with their sub-human table displays, I dub finger-lickers…World-Class Asses.



And don’t even get me started on thumb-lickers who engage in the most improper use imaginable for our opposable digit, which is supposed to set us apart from those below us on the Great Chain of Being, but which through misuse aligns some of us much more closely with them.

David “Kleenex boxes make excellent shoes” Hammond

Finger-Lickers are right up there with
spoon in the pot
spoon in the mouth
spoon BACK in the pot
people....

Saw CT do this on the first episode of his TV show on PBS

YUCK!

David Hammond wrote:I always use a paper towel when opening the doors of public lavatories,

Slightly OT: What do you do with the paper towel after you use it to open the door to exit the lav?

aschie30 wrote:

David Hammond wrote:I always use a paper towel when opening the doors of public lavatories,

Slightly OT: What do you do with the paper towel after you use it to open the door to exit the lav?

This takes practice, but my technique is to open the door with towel-protected hand and then as the door closes I flick the paper towel into the wastebasket or, if the wastebasket has a lid, I hold the door with my foot or elbow and open the lid with my other foot. Alternatively, I take the towel with me and dump it into a wastebasket in the dining room (not desirable, but sometimes the only way to go). It's not easy being obsessive-compuslve.

aschie30 wrote:

David Hammond wrote:I always use a paper towel when opening the doors of public lavatories,

Slightly OT: What do you do with the paper towel after you use it to open the door to exit the lav?

I'm sure he properly recycles it.

I'm with you, finger-lickers are the worst. I was recently watching Paula Dean licking away at her fingers while preparing something on one of her shows and never wiped them off or washed them at all. It was horribly disgusting. I have to assume she does that in her restaurant. I think she also was using a spoon to taste stuff and putting it back in the dish for a second taste. On the same day I saw the woman on Secrets of a Restaurant Chef do the same thing. Ugh! Even when I'm at home I take new spoon every time.

What had to be one of the most repulsive things I've ever seen however, was a waiter at the long-gone Ed Debevic's in Deerfield who, after serving drinks to my friend and I and spilling some on his hands while he was carrying them, after setting them down, proceeded to lick every square inch of his hands before walking away from our table. We never went back.

Question: What do you do when something is finger lickin' good?

I would offer my thoughts on this subject, but I fear that my invitation to next year's picnic might be revoked.

The Goops

by Gillette Burgess

The Goops they lick their fingers
And the Goops they lick their knives:
They spill their froth on the tablecloth
Oh, they lead disgusting lives!
The Goops they talk while eating,
And loud and fast they chew;
And that is why I'm glad that I
Am not a Goop, are you?

I guess we know how David Hammond would respond to that question.

Jim "not entirely reformed Goop, but working on it" inLoganSquare

As a confirmed and proud finger-licker, I will try to keep my bacteria laden fingers away from your food, and your mouth, but I feel no guilt sticking them in mine. When I cook, I tend to only lick the spoon and reuse it only on items that are hot and cooking, which will hopefully kill those pesky bacteria. On things that are not being heated, I use my finger and then try to remember to use a different finger for the next taste. What does not kill you makes you stronger. It is all you antiseptic pantywaists that are promoting the epidemic of allergies and asthma and diabetes, etc. I do wash my hands after using the bathroom, however, usually with soap.

By the way, Many years ago when I spent a lot of money at a charity auction to be the "guest chef" at the restaurant of the aforementioned CT, I saw him take a big, juicy, slobbery bite out of a cleaned peach and toss it back in to the blender that was turning it into an uncooked sauce for one of the desserts.

-Will

WillG wrote:I do wash my hands after using the bathroom, however, usually with soap.

Why?

David,

I will make a bet double-dipping is the cracker equivalent of licking the finger, isn't it? How do you feel about about the cracker being dipped, half eaten, then rotated 180 degrees to dip a virgin surface into the dip? Or does the mere touch take away the virgin status I suggest it might have?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Regards,

How do you feel about the "pull my finger" crowd?

Mhays wrote:How do you feel about the "pull my finger" crowd?

To clarify, so that David can be sure to answer in the most helpful way, is that before or after they licked their finger?

Cathy2 wrote:David,

I will make a bet double-dipping is the cracker equivalent of licking the finger, isn't it? How do you feel about about the cracker being dipped, half eaten, then rotated 180 degrees to dip a virgin surface into the dip? Or does the mere touch take away the virgin status I suggest it might have?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Regards,

I'd stay away from dips, period. People routinely sweep their fingers through the sauce while trying to afford it maximum purchase on their cracker. No one needs that.

HI,

Don't take the complimentary mints from a bowl by the checkout counter. What lingers there will send you running to the hills.

Regards,

Cathy2 wrote:Don't take the complimentary mints from a bowl by the checkout counter. What lingers there will send you running to the hills.

To put it more coarsely, Cookie and I refer to those as "feces mints".

The mints I usually see are the starburst type, wrapped in clear cellophane. Is there a problem with those?

nr706 wrote:The mints I usually see are the starburst type, wrapped in clear cellophane. Is there a problem with those?

It is unwrapped hardshell candied mints that people dip in with their fingers that are bacteria magnets. If patrons do not wash their hands after visiting the toilet, well this fecal matter can be transferred to the candy. I am aware of this and eat it anyway.

Of course the opportunities are less and less for direct contact with these mints. They have single serve devices that pop a portion into your hands or the pre-wrapped candies you encounter.

Regards,

Did you see the Mythbuster's episode about toothbrushes? The bacteria usually associated with fecal matter was found on the control group of toothbrushes. I wonder about the science behind the mint/food sample/double-dipping findings.

Not that I'm implying people shouldn't wash their hands. Wash. Please.

I am hugely revolted by finger-licking. Unfortunately for me, I married an inveterate finger-licker. Don't get me wrong, he's got a lot of good qualities, but my enjoyment of our shared meals is somewhat tainted by a practice that I find disgusting. I have not been successful in banning it completely, though I have made some headway in making him understand I will not tolerate it at a meal that has a sharing aspect, such as Indian or Ethiopian. Love him and all that, but licking one's fingers and then dipping them into the tikil gomen alicha is just not OK.

David Hammond wrote:This takes practice, but my technique is to open the door with towel-protected hand and then as the door closes I flick the paper towel into the wastebasket or, if the wastebasket has a lid, I hold the door with my foot or elbow and open the lid with my other foot. Alternatively, I take the towel with me and dump it into a wastebasket in the dining room (not desirable, but sometimes the only way to go). It's not easy being obsessive-compuslve.

Hammond:

You and I must have been twins separated at birth. I practice that same ritual.

I would also be willing to guess that you flush a public toilet with your foot.

So you're walking around with... a filthy, disease-ridden shoe?

Where I walk?

Between certain opinions on the Sun Wah roach thread and now this, I am surprised by the "bio"phobic attitudes of a lot of you. Is this not the same forum that celebrates cicada munching, balut sampling, and corn smut slurping? Now I realize there is a big difference between willfully eating a prepared foodstuff and culturally unacceptable food handling practices. But what about all the places in the world where silverware is forgone for eating with ones hands, often communally. In places (whose cuisine many of us savor) such as:
Ethiopia:

Nigeria:

India:

Iran:

Thailand:

and all over southeast Asian. In fact Islamic custom perceives the use of silverware as immodest. I'm not saying that American bad habits are directly correlated to the customs of other cultures. But I do think that our collective fear of germs is also a silly hang up that leads to over sanitizing with anti-biotic agents that ultimately cause us to have weakened immune systems.
I have cooked for thousands and I have no problem tasting my product (which is a cardinal rule of professional preparing food, mind you) and returning the spoon to a 212 degree pot. Not one instance of food-borne illness. As a cook, I am a fastidious hand washer, even away from the kitchen. I would never put a dirty finger in my mouth. But I love to eat with my hands, double dip even. I've eaten at Nigerian restaurants that provide a communal washing up bowl, but I would rather have my own hands in my own my mouth cleaning my fingers, while enjoying the last flavors of the meal. People all over the world eat with their hands. And also may have much tougher defenses because of.

I apologize in advance for not knowing the name of the show, but there is a show on Food Network about food myths. One recent episode was about bar snacks. Surprisingly, the only bar snack that had a significant increase in bacteria from being out was the cheese and crackers. It is not surprising that there was an increase in the cheese and crackers, just that there wasn't an appreciable increase in any other bar snack. So for those of you with a bit of fear about communal food, dig in. In the interest of full disclosure, I am a finger licker. I try not to sucumb to my desire to lick my fingers while out in public, but it does happen from time to time. For that I am a world class ass.

If you notice, in all the food grabbing photos above, is done right handed I'll assume that all the other activities that need not be mentioned, are done with the left hand

David Hammond wrote:

WillG wrote:I do wash my hands after using the bathroom, however, usually with soap.

Why?

FWIW, this very question inspired me to change my quote; it brought to mind yet another M*A*S*H rerun I've been hooked on lately.

Cathy2 wrote:

nr706 wrote: If patrons do not wash their hands after visiting the toilet, well this fecal matter can be transferred to the candy. I am aware of this and eat it anyway.

Have you read Fast Food Nation? Somewhere, a McDonald's thread is calling for you..

In the random pix I posted, there’s seems to be a link between gender and eating-hand preference. Not saying anything. Just saying.

mhill95149 wrote:If you notice, in all the food grabbing photos above, is done right handed I'll assume that all the other activities that need not be mentioned, are done with the left hand

To be specific about the "need not be mentioned," in these communities you wipe your ass with your left hand. A skill I have not mastered.

-ramon

David Hammond wrote:

Cathy2 wrote:

nr706 wrote: If patrons do not wash their hands after visiting the toilet, well this fecal matter can be transferred to the candy. I am aware of this and eat it anyway.

Wow ... I didn't think I was sufficiently invested in this topic to write that. I guess I lose track sometimes. I do try to avoid eating fecal matter, but I'm not obsessive about it.