Here's why she sucks. I was busy today. When I got home, I was hungry. I didn't know what to make. So, what did I do? I extremely roughly cut whatever was lying around, threw it in a roasting pan, and tossed in some olive oil:




While it was cooking, I spent time petting my dog and posting some stuff on LTHForum. Then, what did I do to serve it? I threw it in a bowl, sprinkled a little coarse salt, and grated some delicious cheese* over it:



I have no doubt that my dinner was easier, way more nutritious, and much better tasting than anything Semi-Ho has cooked in her life. Stop lying to everyone about how darn hard it is to cook! A 2 year old monkey could have made my dinner. I have one freakin' pot to clean.

*Dent de Leon from Prairie Fruits Farm. It's a hard, aged goats milk cheese with terrific nutty flavor. I've been grating it on nearly everything lately.

Flipping channels in search of base sensation the other day, I spotted Semi-Ho's Thanksgiving show. I selected it and started watching. She was making some kind of cranberry dressing, using... real cranberries, a real orange, real walnuts, and a package of Jell-O.

I was shocked. Maybe not the most innovative cranberry dressing ever invented, but next to opening a can, it was positively Watersian in its use of actual ingredients.

Who are you and what have you done with the real Sandra Lee?

Mike G wrote:Flipping channels in search of base sensation the other day, I spotted Semi-Ho's Thanksgiving show. I selected it and started watching. She was making some kind of cranberry dressing, using... real cranberries, a real orange, real walnuts, and a package of Jell-O.

I was shocked. Maybe not the most innovative cranberry dressing ever invented, but next to opening a can, it was positively Watersian in its use of actual ingredients.

Who are you and what have you done with the real Sandra Lee?

I watched that episode last night. I've never seen an entire episode of that show before.

Tablescapes? Using powdered alfredo sauce mix? There were so many frightening parts of the show but I will admit that the cranberry dressing was the most 'authentic' thing on that menu.

Good, my sense of order in the universe is restored by the knowledge that I accidentally caught the one uncharacteristic part of the show.

Sometimes, if you blip by her quickly, you will catch her in a moment of lucidity - I've done it more than once, where I have to go back to the episode and make sure it isn't a dream. She usually follows lucidity with sheer horror, as described above, though.

Is it at all possible that the show is a joke on the viewers, and nobody's been willing break it to management? Or perhaps the writers are doing it to Sandra, and waiting to see if she'll catch on? It gets more surreal with each retelling here, to the point where I really can't believe they think they're telling people how to prepare meals.

It reminds me of a bit on "That Mitchell and Webb Look" (a BBC sketch comedy), where a toothbrush company is trying to come up with ways to get people to buy more toothbrushes (Clip on YouTube) -- "If we can get them to brush their tongues, we can get them to do anything"

If it's a joke, Barnes & Noble is in on it, because half of the cooking table was taken up with "books" full of her "recipes."

Alpana Singh on Sandra Lee

Don't get me wrong, I would never make this stuff - I just like tuning in for the train wreck.

Best,
Michael

Nice find, Michael! More proof Alpana is one of us.

Mike G. - I too have been watching, horrified, this only week of the year I have access to cable. Any relief the cranberry sauce brought you would have been completely erased by the "ginger ale cream sauce" she made for her "apple cinnamon bread pudding." The sauce used not heavy cream or milk, or even Cool Whip, but powdered whipped topping. As if that's easier or cheaper! I wouldn't even know where to find that crap! The pudding itself involved shredded cinnamon-swirl bread, two packets of apple-cinnamon instant oatmeal, and a can of apple pie filling. All this washed down with Crock Pot sangria. Cut up a friggin' actual apple sometime, (semi)-ho!

Because I'm apparently a glutton for punishment, I've already sat through 20 minutes of the Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade Holiday Party.

So she's making potato and leek soup. Guess what's in the ingredient list? Actual, honest-to-god sliced leeks, which she did make a point to mention making sure to wash them thoroughly. Then she breaks out the canned potatoes. Into the soup pot they go. Next ingredient is...

What?

No.

Really?

You're making potato soup, and one of your ingredients is....

Canned cream of potato soup?

I really shouldn't be shocked, but it's hard not to be.

JoelF wrote:Is it at all possible that the show is a joke on the viewers

This.

(that's the Fark.com way of saying "this pithy comment explains it all.")

tcdup wrote:The epitome of the bastardization of salad for me was the Snickers "salad" -- diced apples, cut-up candy bars, bound with Cool Whip.

This sounds like one too many ingredients to me

whiskeybent wrote:You're making potato soup, and one of your ingredients is....

Canned cream of potato soup?

I really shouldn't be shocked, but it's hard not to be.

She does the same thing with her butternut squash soup. First ingredient: butternut squash soup.

scanz wrote:

tcdup wrote:The epitome of the bastardization of salad for me was the Snickers "salad" -- diced apples, cut-up candy bars, bound with Cool Whip.

This sounds like one too many ingredients to me

One?

eatchicago wrote:She does the same thing with her butternut squash soup. First ingredient: butternut squash soup.

That's exactly like Steve Martin's advice on how to become a millionaire: "First, get a million dollars."

Dmnkly wrote:

scanz wrote:

tcdup wrote:The epitome of the bastardization of salad for me was the Snickers "salad" -- diced apples, cut-up candy bars, bound with Cool Whip.

This sounds like one too many ingredients to me

One?

Well, I do like Snickers...so maybe two

I can't think of a better place to post this.

Today, in the egg aisle at the grocery store, I saw a two-pack of eggs in a plastic case. They were pre-cooked hard-boiled eggs. For $0.69.

A six-pack of Eggland's Best hard-boiled aseptically sealed package was like $3.29.

How can there be a market for these products in this economy?

Sparky spent the night with friends, who, in a very kind gesture, decided the kids would cook dinner from their brand-new copy of the Paula Deen's My First Cookbook. Since breakfast came up first, the kids made "Green Eggs and Ham" and "Cinnamon Rolls." Green Eggs and Ham were scrambled eggs with ham bits and blue food coloring. Perfect for 3 kids to put together - I might have added spinach or avocado, but I'm not anti-food coloring, after all, we put it in cakes and cookies (and if I get around to making biryani, I won't be shy.)

The Cinnamon Rolls, her favorite recipe, are described in the book's press release:

Deen's favorite recipe in the new book is the Cinnamon Rolls. It's a surprising choice, given that more complicated dishes stand out, like the Porcupine Balls, the Sausage Quiche or the Hawaiian Beef Teriyaki Kebabs with Grilled Pineapple. On the other hand, there's something that says simplicity and kid-friendliness about crescent rolls stuffed with marshmallows and sprinkled with cinnamon sugar.

Paula, I think the Pillsbury Doughboy wants a word with you.

powdered whipped topping. As if that's easier or cheaper! I wouldn't even know where to find that crap!

How can there be a market for these products in this economy?

I'm convinced she shops in a different universe than me. On a recently watched episode she actually said - "unfortunately you have to shred the cucumbers because they don't sell them pre-shredded."

Can you imagine the mess of preshredded cucumbers? Still, I'm semi-surprised she couldn't find them at her supermarket.

Mhays wrote:The Cinnamon Rolls, her favorite recipe, are described in the book's press release:

Deen's favorite recipe in the new book is the Cinnamon Rolls. It's a surprising choice, given that more complicated dishes stand out, like the Porcupine Balls, the Sausage Quiche or the Hawaiian Beef Teriyaki Kebabs with Grilled Pineapple. On the other hand, there's something that says simplicity and kid-friendliness about crescent rolls stuffed with marshmallows and sprinkled with cinnamon sugar.

You just made that up. PLEASE say you just made that up. I'm NOT clicking on that link. No way. Not me.

More frightening than that: I watched Sparky eat two of them. Bwha ha ha ha ha!

Mhays wrote:More frightening than that: I watched Sparky eat two of them. Bwha ha ha ha ha!

You might regret that. Paula Deen's "cinnamon rolls" = gateway drug. The poor kid will HAVE to turn next to meth for more chemicals and a bigger rush. That or the infamous Kwanzaa Cake. http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2008/12/ ... pared.html

A particularly droll Semi-Ho parody with some James Lileksian atmosphere and perfect intonation ("eggs-tract," "melk," "ruhcipe," as one commenter points out):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej1mPXQ296U

And of course the, er, clambake:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awCHJSfZWd8

Pull those beards right off, honey. [retches into can of pie filling]

if you hurry you can still catch sandra lee at the jewel on ashland signing her magazines and hawking some sort of liquor mix-ins. she's only there til 5.

Her appearance in Chicago coincides with the weather looking gates of hell are opening.....coincidence?????