First of all in regards to the wedding issues, I think there's a "feeling" that precludes the food/drink/table settings, etc. Like Olde School, I have been to wonderful events at VFW halls and horrible ones at fancy hotels in upscale parts of the city/suburbs. While I like to think everyone enjoyed themselves at my wedding, I've been startled to hear future brides calcuate the take on the event if they spend x dollars on x food/drink item given that most guests will spend x amount of money on a gift. That concept just didn't even enter my mind.

I think it goes without saying that for any gathering you should think of your guests when you plan and make it about them. I mean, isn't that part of "hospitality"? There are certain circles where having Ina Garten in the kitchen isn't going to make a bit of difference if the folks she's cooking for don't appreciate that sort of food. Perhaps the way to impress really is to pop for the deluxe deli tray from Jewel. If you are a foodie, you also have to learn to accept that not everyone is like that or appreciates that type of food or cooking. I guess the way I look at at it is that it's just one meal in one day of my life. Life goes on.

Here's my story of party tackiness which thankfully never materialized. I opened my e-mail one day to find a note from a woman whose DH works with my DH. We are friends socially, but nothing more. A co-worker of our DHs was getting RE-married and she wanted to throw a shower for the bride (even though this was her second marriage as well, they'd been living together for a couple of years and they each have college age kids). The e-mail told all of us on the mailing list that the bride's gift would be a gift certificate to an upscale housewares store and that we WOULD each be contributing $100 to this cause. What added to the tackiness is that the groom is DH's boss as well as everyone else's DH on the list furthermore, the groom/boss had kept his impending nuptials a secret for a long time because he wanted things kept quiet around the company. Fortunately, because the party giver got sick everything sort of went away.

Kwe730 wrote:Here's my story of party tackiness which thankfully never materialized. I opened my e-mail one day to find a note from a woman whose DH works with my DH.

I'm not trying to be funny. All I can think is that this woman's Designated Hitter works with your Designated Hitter. But DH can't mean that in this case--can it? You don't both work in management for American League ballclubs?

(Or is Designated Hitter the new slang for "the boyfriend"? That could be.)

Desperately seeking enlightenment.

riddlemay wrote:

Kwe730 wrote:Here's my story of party tackiness which thankfully never materialized. I opened my e-mail one day to find a note from a woman whose DH works with my DH.

I'm not trying to be funny. All I can think is that this woman's Designated Hitter works with your Designated Hitter. But DH can't mean that in this case--can it? You don't both work in management for American League ballclubs?

(Or is Designated Hitter the new slang for "the boyfriend"? That could be.)

Desperately seeking enlightenment.

Riddlemay, DH is short hand for "Dear Husband" on most chat-sites. You'll often see DW, which means "Dear Wife".

Kim

Thanks, Kim.

Sheesh. Suddenly I'm glad I'm at an age where I go to far more funerals than weddings.

Last fall we went to a wedding where, for the very first time, I saw the dollar dance. This is where people pay to dance with either the bride or the groom for a dollar. I thought it rather tacky. But to add insult to injury, we actually witnessed the bride and her bridesmaid counting the money over by the band. I mean, come on!

We traveled over 300 miles, by car. Had to pay for a hotel room where they were staying - their request. BF needed a new suit. We spent over $200 for gifts. It was a weekend affair so food, etc. Then that tacky, tacky dance. And a cash bar (We did bring a flask - and that was probably the only thing that kept me quiet). And a cold dinner w/ a warm salad. And when it was time for the champagne toast - only the brides table received champange. We toasted w/ ice tea.

Still haven't received a thank you note. And it's been over a year.
BTW, his friend, not mine. Next wedding, he's going stag.

Specifically, it asked guests not to buy gifts, but rather to send or bring cash. Even if this is becoming more widespread, I find it despicable and, frankly, unnecessary. Couples can register almost anywhere and take the gifts back for cash, if that's what they want to do.

I just wanted to point out that gifts bought on a registry couldn't be exchanged for cash; they would offer you a store credit as a return unless an original receipt showing that it was paid in cash was provided. And even then, sometimes not, depending on the store policy. (i.e., Target has a pretty stringent policy about their returns.) Ahem. Anyway, sorry to be nitpicky, because honestly, I agree with your point about this being tacky.

If you would prefer cash, just don't list a registry on your invitation. Most people have the common courtesy to give a gift, and in lieu of a preferred store, most folks would probably just give money. Problem solved. If they don't, well, don't sweat it. With the exception of saying, "The Bride and Groom are registered at such-and-such," no other mention should be made of gift-giving. Unless that mention is, "The bride and groom would prefer, in lieu of gifts, a donation be made to _____ charity." Now, that's classy, in my opinion.

To veer back on topic ... I agree with the poster who said that the problem is not often the type of food, but how much food is offered. This is constantly a worry of mine! I usually make a huge spread of appetizers and desserts for my parties and often end up with too much food, but I'd rather have too much than not enough. I also think it's not a bad idea to have some ready-made stuff you can put into the oven, just in case. I usually get a few pizzas or frozen apps that I can use in case of emergency. It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while, I have to break into that stash! If you're opposed to the store-bought route, just make some extra stuff and freeze it. Pop it into the oven if you start to see your food supply getting low. Keep tons of extra veggies and cheese cut-up so you can replenish as the night goes on.

And if you buy cans of pop, or bottles of beer or soda or wine, if you don't use all the bottles, at least you're not wasting it. If you're really that cheap (!), return whatever you didn't use after the party. Your guests will never know and you'll be sure you have enough food/drink to cover everyone.

Here's my pet-peeve: I dislike it when my friends ask for donations on a party. I understood when we were poor college students and needed to pool funds for a party, but let's get real: we've all got regular jobs now. You can afford to fund your own party. And honestly, if you can't, why are you having a party? Seriously. I probably spend a good amount of money every Christmas hosting a party; providing a full bar and a nice spread of food and drink. Granted, a few of my friends bring appetizers, and I'd do the same for them. But to ask your friends to contribute cash to help cover your costs? Tacky.

PS: Olde School, I swear I went to a wedding at that same Holiday Inn in Iowa! Was the reception in the musty basement?

The Holiday Inn was somewhere outside Iowa City, and I don't remember a musty basement event room. Of course, I do remember an extremely musty shower curtain that kept blowing into me while using that fabulous shampoo and conditioner combo product. And desperately trying to get the water temperature at a mid-point between full boil and the polar bear club.

OK, I'm pretty sure the reception was in Davenport, so maybe not. But definitely: the quality of the food, the dubiousness of the shampoo/conditioner product (LOL), spot-on. My bedroom window also had a lovely view of the indoor hallway, so.

A general comment about receptions in general: I think it's possible to have a "nice" reception without spending a lot of money. Case in point: one of the best wedding/receptions I ever attended was at my friend's parents' house. They set up tents in the backyard and it was just a really fun, relaxed atmosphere. This inspired my husband and I to try and replicate it. We unfortunately, did not have a good 'home' venue to use, so we had our reception at King James BBQ in West Chicago. It certainly wasn't the Four Seasons, but the food was decent, the bar was open, and everyone just had a good time. Isn't that the point of a party?

My point is, while on one hand, I think, "Well, gee, it's too bad that they couldn't afford a better reception than the Holiday Inn," on the other hand, I think, "Seriously - this is the best you could do?" I know planning a big event is hard work, especially when you're on a budget, but there's better options out there! I mean, it'd be like eating at Panda Express when you live around the corner from LSC, you know? But I suppose that's what we all gather around here to talk about, don't we.

I'm not saying that everybody should roll out the red carpet and spent a ton of money when they have guests over for dinner. However, I do believe that if you're going to invite somebody for dinner at least show effort by ordering in a decent meal, or preparing something nice. My wife and I will always have appetizers and drinks first, no matter who is coming over.


Lets hear your bad experiences eating at peoples houses.

ppierce wrote:I'm not saying that everybody should roll out the red carpet and spent a ton of money when they have guests over for dinner. However, I do believe that if you're going to invite somebody for dinner at least show effort by ordering in a decent meal, or preparing something nice. My wife and I will always have appetizers and drinks first, no matter who is coming over.

Lets hear your bad experiences eating at peoples houses.

Frankly, I am not quite sure what your story is on this issue. Were you invited to dinner and not fed? This has happened to me once in a household where we got the sense the husband and wife didn't agree on hosting the occasion. It was weird because it was the wife's idea, who usually rules on social occasions in the household. After a lot of long lengthy pauses, we eventually found a reason to leave and fled.

Or did you not like the quality of the food offered? This is where you grin and bear it. I know there are people afraid to invite their food-centric friends over because they feel their offerings won't measure up. I try to focus on the joy of interacting with these friends and keep my thoughts to myself. As for ordering in a meal, people's ideas of how they want to spend their money varies greatly.

Regards,

This is an interesting thread that I haven't seen before. I have a "flip" version to offer. My sister threw a wedding shower for one of her friends. She invited 50 people, and put a couple hundred dollars into making some great food. Despite RSVP assurances...no one showed up! It was a sad and embarrassing day for the bride to be.

razbry wrote:This is an interesting thread that I haven't seen before. I have a "flip" version to offer. My sister threw a wedding shower for one of her friends. She invited 50 people, and put a couple hundred dollars into making some great food. Despite RSVP assurances...no one showed up! It was a sad and embarrassing day for the bride to be.

Was it a communication error or grudge?

Regards,

50 no shows? Do you think there was a miscommunication about the date, time, or place?

razbry wrote:She invited 50 people, and put a couple hundred dollars into making some great food. Despite RSVP assurances...no one showed up! It was a sad and embarrassing day for the bride to be.

If not one person out of 50 showed up it sounds like a communication mix up. Did you sister follow up with the 'guests' to see what happened.

No...no miscommunication issues. These were all "young" people (early 20's), who somehow just had better things to do at the last moment. If you have ever worked on a wedding, you know that there are people who are out there who RSVP, and don't show up...or don't RSVP and show up friends! It seems (to me) as if there is a lack of etiquette knowledge. If I were the bride, I think I would be looking for better friends.

ppierce wrote:Lets hear your bad experiences eating at peoples houses.

I have never had a "bad" experience eating at someone else's house. I have eaten food not to my taste. I have been fed so light a meal that we had to eat again afterward. Sometimes I've had to share a table with insufferable boors.

But I'm always so delighted that someone has honored me with an invitation to share a meal in their home that I usually enjoy myself very much.

Not long ago, some old friends invited me to an impromptu do-it-yourself pizza party -- bring your favorite toppings. The crusts were from a mix or Boboli; the sauce came out of a plastic squirt bottle; the cheese was generic (except for the goat cheese we brought, which no one else there would touch; they weren't keen on our contribution of fresh Italian sausage, either, preferring supermarket pepperoni). The only other food was underbaked garlic bread, and drinks were a limited variety of pop.

I admit I did spend a few moments imagining the pizzas such a party might produce among an LTH crowd ... however, the conversation was brilliant, the people very nice, and the whole process fun. I had a marvelous time!