The Sterns' rules of the road

Jane and Michael Stern have, as noted, a new memoir-with-recipes out called "Two For the Road," about their lives as road food eaters; a lot of the places mentioned in it will not be new to folks who've bought copies of their book Road Food over the years (after all, it's not as if they have a whole bunch of new recommendations they've been keeping from us otherwise), but writing in the memoir format means different angles on the same stuff turn up here and there. I particularly liked this list of ways to spot a place to stay away from:

• Don't eat at the fancy place with the biggest ad in the Yellow Pages.
• Don't ask the desk clerk for help.
• Don't believe in billboards on the highway.
• Don't eat in a place that smells like Pine-Sol.
• Don't eat in a place where the waitress coughs a lot and scratches her hair with a pencil.
• Don't eat in any restaurant that touts itself as world-famous.
• Beware of any restaurant with too cute a name: Klem's Kuntry Kitchen, Ye Ol' Village Smithy, Toot 'n' Com-In.
• The bigger the catering facilities, the worse the food.

Apart from the scratching and coughing one, which just seems to be in there for color, all these point to the fact that a place on a highway with some marketing savvy-- as evidenced by a cutesy name, billboards, and a large catering operation-- is probably lousy, more interested in feeding tourist buses than diners. (Though VI tried Apple Holler anyway, and liked it.) And yeah, desk clerks, you'd think they'd know something about the area they're in, but if they were more curious about the world, they'd be doing something more interesting than motel management, no offense to any desk clerks who may be reading this board.

On the other hand, I notice that I myself recently made a point very much like the first of these positive indicators:

We learned to seek out any place that:
• is open only for breakfast and lunch.
• serves no booze.
• has old ladies with hairnets working in the kitchen.
• has handmade pies proudly displayed in a glass case on the counter.
• has jukeboxes that still contain Hank Williams songs.
• is outfitted with Formica-topped tables with a boomerang pattern.
• has weird ways of ordering a meal, like a telephone connected to the kitchen or miniature order pads that customers fill out with a miniature pencil.

The first two are, I think, strong indicators for fairly obvious the-food's-gotta-be-good reasons. The next two, hairnets and pie cases, are still valid outside the big city, but the rest I think belong to the era when the Sterns first started hunting for good stuff-- the boomerang pattern and Hank Williams would only be found in a consciously retro place today, like Kitsch'n, I think the real indicator these days would be "Country" design, like Allen's Diner, and I don't even want to think about what's on the jukebox today. While the novelty ordering system is probably a sign of a place that's way, way over the hill by now (Superdawg, of course, an exception).

What rules would you suggest? A few of mine are:

• Don't eat in places attached to modern chain motels.
• Don't eat in any place that has graphics suggestive of black tie or tuxedos.
• Don't eat in places that have a name consisting of a single word pluralized (e.g., Tuxedos, Players, Moonlighters, etc.)
• Give yourself 50 points if you find a place that fits all 3 of the above...

Along with desk clerks, don't ask minimart drones or gas station attendants. The number of times I've been told something like "go back on the highway about three miles, there's an Applebee's by the mall" just astounds me. And they get these really puzzled looks when I say, "No, where do the locals eat?" or "Where do you eat?" because these same under-25 tools really think Applebees is a good idea.

Roadfood has been good to us, although our copy is dated. "Where the Locals Eat" has been hit or miss -- it's just a compilation of local newspapers that list "The best burgers", "The best Chinese food" etc., with just the listings, not much other data. If something shows up in Roadfood, WTLE, and AAA, it usually means it's either (a) pretty good, or (b) the only place in town.

My favorite story of this type was when we'd pulled into Hinton, WV to do some mild whitewater rafting on the New River with our kids, then 9 and 7.
The motel was right next to the raft outfitter, but had so little business that the upper floor rooms were rented out as a tanning salon. None of the guidebooks had a word on this little town.

When I checked in, a radioactively-glowing local was just giving a key back to the desk clerk, so when I asked, "Where's a good place to get dinner?" they answered simultaneously, "Dairy Queen!"

I said, "No, really, it's my anniversary (it was), I'd like something a little nicer" -- and there really wasn't anything else in town. The clerk suggested I look at the golf resorts in the area, and I found one that was only about a 25 minute drive and we took off.

When we got there, we were told that there was a big banquet at 7:30PM, and they didn't have the restaurant open to the public that day. I gave him the same story about our anniversary, and hungry kids, and the distance driven, and they said, "Can you be out by 7PM?" (it was about 5:45). I said, "I have two young kids, if we're not done eating by then there are bigger problems!"

We had the whole staff to ourselves, and had an OK meal with fantastic service. My kids were very well behaved and both were entertained by and entertained the waitstaff, and were brought chocolate cake, and more chocolate cake at the end of the meal.

So sometimes you get lucky.

If the word "Restaurant" is by far the largest word on the establishment's sign, it can't be good!

Best road food advice I got was from the colorful Belly "Goat Pill" Maynard (R.I.P.) when I asked him for recommendations for BBQ joints while travelling through Texas. He advised me to keep an eye on the frontage road around lunch time. Wherever the local sheriff car was parked, that was sure to be the best BBQ joint in the area. I ended up eating in little shacks with signs you couldn't see from the highway that had exceptional BBQ.

Bill/SFNM

Bill/SFNM wrote:Wherever the local sheriff car was parked, that was sure to be the best BBQ joint in the area.

This advice does not transfer to policemen in small-town Ohio. Thirty years ago, in Sandusky, Ohio, trying to find a restaurant for which I'd been given terrible directions, I got horribly lost and wound up on a back road that turned from pavement to blacktop to gravel to dirt to nonroad, hemmed by deep culverts. As I struggled to get the car turned without putting it into a ditch, suddenly, we were surrounded by cop cars. (The fact that, for reasons I won't go into, I was driving a vintage black Cadillac limousine, complete with gold eagles and tail fins, may have had something to do with this reception.)

After I'd handed over my almost brand-new driver's license and the car's registration for inspection and explained who I was and why were there and satisfied the cops that I and my companions were innocent if strange young visitors to town (heartily relieved that the bunch in the car were relatively clean-cut and older than me, as opposed to the scruffier long-haired friends we'd left back at the motel), I asked the head cop for help finding a restaurant. By this time, it was about 10 p.m. in the off-season (Sandusky is a tourist destination for Cedar Point, an amusement park, but not in October).

The cop looked grim, and said, "Well, there's only one place. Follow me." So off we took, a procession of police car, limousine and two more cop cars following, all with their lights flashing. And after a long drive, we pull up in front of this ... dive: gritty, greasy and full of nighthawks, "diner" would be too charitable a word. One tough friend was too scared to go to the ladies' room by herself.

Trying to play it safe, we ordered simply. Hah! I will never forget the cheese omelet that crawled off the plate by itself.

Here's one: Be sure to travel with a dyed-in-the-wool Sicilian Bluesman who's hitchhiked across the country twice and who has an innate sense for finding the best food in any locality, especially those in which "good" and "food" would otherwise be opposing forces of nature. Krispy Brown (which I think I have mentioned on LTHF and which gets a write-up and pictures of its own on the Vini and the Demons website) and its unbelievably satisfying spread of Southern delights (fried chicken, greens, creamed corn, johnny cakes, sweet potato fries, mashed turnips, etc, etc...) might be the only reason (apart from the fruitcake) to visit Claxton, Georgia. Somehow we wound up cruising through there on the way home from a gig at Georgia Southern University, and, luckily, Vini (the aforementioned dyed-in-the-wool, etc...) was at the helm of the van. We should all be so lucky.

JoelF wrote:My favorite story of this type was when we'd pulled into Hinton, WV to do some mild whitewater rafting on the New River with our kids, then 9 and 7.
The motel was right next to the raft outfitter, but had so little business that the upper floor rooms were rented out as a tanning salon. None of the guidebooks had a word on this little town.

When I checked in, a radioactively-glowing local was just giving a key back to the desk clerk, so when I asked, "Where's a good place to get dinner?" they answered simultaneously, "Dairy Queen!"

I have eaten at this Dairy Queen (it's on the river!) more than once. I have relatives in Hinton. Was the motel in question the Coast to Coast?

Bill/SFNM wrote:Best road food advice I got was from the colorful Belly "Goat Pill" Maynard (R.I.P.) when I asked him for recommendations for BBQ joints while travelling through Texas. He advised me to keep an eye on the frontage road around lunch time. Wherever the local sheriff car was parked, that was sure to be the best BBQ joint in the area. I ended up eating in little shacks with signs you couldn't see from the highway that had exceptional BBQ.

Bill/SFNM

they only eat where they can get a free handout ...

Hi,

The Sterns have a new book: 500 Things to Eat Before It's Too Late and the Very Best Places to Eat Them. I test their books for unique finds just like I test my GPS for reliable directions: by checking places close to home. I will admit I am impressed with their choices:

Apple fritter: Old Fashioned Donuts
Barbecue ribs (Nation's best list): Carson's, Leon's and Uncle John's (with a passing mention to Barbara Ann's)
Breaded steak: Uncle Johnny's Grocery and Deli, Freddie's Pizza and Sandwiches, Ricobene's
Chicago Hot Link: Barbara Ann's BBQ and Leon's
Chicken Vesuvio: Harry Caray's Italian Steakhouse, Gene & Georgetti, Francesco's Hole in the Wall, Il Vicinato Ristorante, Rosebud and Ricobene's.
Corned beef sandwich: Jake's Deli (MIlwaukee) and Manny's
French Fries (Nation's best list): Hot Doug's, Ricobene's, Mustard's Last Stand
Horseshoes: D & J Cafe and Ritz's Cafe in Springfield, and Ritz's Li'l Fryer in Grandview, IL
Iowa pork chops: A surprise is the Machine Shed (which has many locations). In Illinois, they recommend Richard's Farm Restaurant in Casey, IL
Italian beef: Al's #1 Italian Beef, Mr. Beef and Johnnie's Beef
Italian Lemonade: Mario's
Key lime pie: Harry Caray's Italian Steakhouse
Old potatoes: Patty's Diner
Onion loaf: Hackney's
Pancakes: Original Pancake House, known as Walker Brother's in the Chicago area
Pizza: Pizzeria Uno, Giordano's, Original Gino's East, Lou Malnati's, Frank's in Silvis, IL
Red hot: Vienna Beef Cafe, Poochie's, Gene & Judes, Superdawg, Wolfy's, Byron's, Fluky's (RIP), Mustard Last Stand,
Shrimp de Jonghe: Gene & Georgetti, Cape Cod Room, Myron & Phil's, Carson's
Springfield chili: Joe Roger's Original Recipe
Turtle sundae: Margie's

While one may quible with some choices, there is quite a bit of solid information. A lot of regional foods have more than one source and often in different states. There are a number of articles and lists of national best's for categories like pizza, pancakes and such.

This is a great book especially for people who don't follow internet food chat boards. Yet it has enough information to make it worthy as a book to keep in the car for travelling for us, too.

This is my $1.20 worth of advice due to fines paid to the library.

Regards,

Surprised nobody has mentioned motorcycles: places have already been thoroughly scouted and vetted by motorcycle riders, if there's more than three parked outside a place, it's usually pretty good.

LAZ, it's entirely possible that your policeman took you to the best restaurant in the town - having eaten at many places in rural Ohio, Indiana, and Michigan - sometimes plain tomato paste on watery, oversaturated spaghetti is just the way the locals eat. Sigh.

Cathy2 wrote:French Fries (Nation's best list): Hot Doug's, Ricobene's, Mustard's Last Stand

What kind of fries do they do at Ricobene's and Mustard's Last Stand?

Pancakes: Original Pancake House, known as Walker Brother's in the Chicago area

That's not entirely correct. Walker Brothers is part of the chain but there are other, non-Walker Chicago-area OPH franchises, too. http://www.originalpancakehouse.com/phloc_il.html

Mhays, I'm sure you're right for the time and place, but it was still ghastly.

LAZ wrote:

Cathy2 wrote:French Fries (Nation's best list): Hot Doug's, Ricobene's, Mustard's Last Stand

What kind of fries do they do at Ricobene's and Mustard's Last Stand?

Not much detail was offered on Mustard's Last Stand fries beyond dipping them in ketchup. Ricobene's had a bit more elaboration, "... A semiporous paper bag just may be the ideal delivery system. As at many of Chicago's best street-food eat-shacks, Ricobene's loads just cooked potatoes into a brown bag that opens at your table (or on your dashboard) like a cornucopia. ..."

LAZ wrote:

Cathy2 wrote:Pancakes: Original Pancake House, known as Walker Brother's in the Chicago area

That's not entirely correct. Walker Brothers is part of the chain but there are other, non-Walker Chicago-area OPH franchises, too. http://www.originalpancakehouse.com/phloc_il.html

Your list did not sort out the Walker Brother's or Richard Walker locations from the non-Walker locations. The location in Arlington Heights was once a non-Walker affiliated OPH, though now it is.

The OPH in Champaign I visited 20 years ago, it was the first time I realized Walker Brother's was part of a larger OPH group.

A few years ago, we had Steven Katz demonstrate his findings to reverse engineer OPH apple pancake. He mentioned OPH regretted allowing Walker Brother's to add their name to OPH in the Chicago area. They are the only franchises who were granted permission. Walker Brothers does come across as a Chicago regional original until you come upon another Original Pancake House without Walker attached to its name.

Regards,

Cathy2 wrote:Your list did not sort out the Walker Brother's or Richard Walker locations from the non-Walker locations. The location in Arlington Heights was once a non-Walker affiliated OPH, though now it is.

Walker Brothers = Arlington Heights, Glenview, Highland Park, Lake Zurich, Lincolnshire, Wilmette.

That leaves the four city of Chicago Original Pancake House locations, plus Forest Park, Oak Forest, Orland Park and Park Ridge.

Richard Walker's in Crystal Lake and Schaumburg is unaffiliated.

Mike G wrote:• serves no booze.

I once swore by picking up a any Smoke Free Dining Guide in the Library/Courthouse/Rest Area in any rural areas I could find one. Each would list all the locally owned restaurants in any area, along with the menu specialties. Then a smoking ban went into effect, and every place is smoke free. Now there's no point to putting together a guide like that anymore.

Hi,

Stern's specifically mentioned two OPH addresses:
8601 SW 24th St, Portland, OR, which I believe is the Mother ship, and
153 Greenbay Road, Wilmette, IL
They do note they have never been to a bad OPH, though these two have been standouts.

Isn't Richard Walker from the Walker Brother's family? Do you know the scuttlebut? If it is typical family business agree to walk away and do my own thing, no more details are needed. That's an old, old tale played out in many families and partnerships.

Regards,

Cathy2 wrote:Isn't Richard Walker from the Walker Brother's family? Do you know the scuttlebut?

From Richard Walker's website: "Richard Walker, is a member of the Walker family who helmed the Walker Bros. Pancake House restaurants founded by his father and uncle in 1960 in Wilmette, Illinois. Richard joined his brother, Ray, in 1977 to manage a restaurant Ray inherited from their father. Richard and Ray eventually became equal partners in Walker Bros. Pancake House in Glenview, Illinois. In 1989, Richard branched out with his own namesake company. Richard Walker’s Pancake House has since dedicated itself to quality in all aspects of the restaurant business. From food to service to menu variety, Richard Walker's Pancake House is a cut above the average breakfast eatery. Customers can enjoy themselves at three locations — Crystal Lake, Illinois, Schaumburg, Illinois, and San Diego, California."

Up until a year or so ago, there was an OHOP in Oak Park (and I have eaten at OHOPS in other parts of the USA). I have, over the course of many years, eaten at Walker Brothers, mostly the original in Wilmette or the location in Glenview. I can attest to the fact that there is much difference between the two, certainly in menu items but mostly in quality.

I'm on the road a lot. Definitely do not ask a random local. Try to do some internet research beforehand. Cruise the old part of town and look for something interesting. A lot of places, you are just screwed. There is absolutely nothing worthwhile.

Another thread that a search for Milwaukee turned up - just tuning up my choices before I drive up this afternoon. I too am impressed by the Sterns' Chicago-area recommendations that Cathy2 highlighted, especially since, both in the original Roadfood and in their appearances on The Splendid Table radio show, they seem way, way more focused on (a) breakfast and (b) sweets than I am.

serves no booze.

I can't say I know how good an indicator of the quality of food at a place that is, but travelling, working, literally on the road (I am a highway engineer), searching for somewhere better than a 7-11 to eat, that can be a dealkiller. You have not died inside until you've been standing outside next to a highway for 14 hours, sun beating down on you and sweat dripping down your back and into your eyes and semi trucks thundering past you and dead animals in the ditch stinking up your workplace and a bathroom being a 20-minute drive away and the papers on your clipboard blowing all over the place and your voice going from shouting over the traffic noise to your coworker all day and occasionally a driver rolling down a car window to wing a swear word or a soda can in your direction, and managed to get your job done before traffic control decided it was done for the day, and got all your gear back in your truck and got back to your motel, all hot and sweaty and dusty and gritty, and looked around for a place to get some food and drink, and been told it's a dry county.

Katie I feel your pain.

I remember once we took the kids to the Wisconsin Dells (a tourist spot with water parks for those who don't know)…

On the first day there we got up at the crack of dawn since my wife had a full day planned. We visited a deer park where we were accosted for 90 minutes by ravenous hordes of four legged trolls who showed a complete lack of manners in their quest to wrench from us our meager supply of crackers (which my wife merrily paid something like $10 for on a promise from the gift shop cashier that “the kids will love feeding the deer close-up”).

After that we were off to the downtown area for the obligatory olde-timey vacation photo of the family and a stop for some God-awful stale fudge.

We were then off to the Ducks (amphibious landing craft circa WWII). This was supposed to be a 45 minute trip but our poor Duck decided to give up the ghost in the middle of a river. After our guide (who I still don’t believe was old enough to drive a mini-bike let a lone a military troop landing vehicle) borrowed my cell phone to call for help, seeing as the radio on our Duck was also kaput, he engaged us for the next 30 minutes with a lengthy discussion on the merits of purchasing official Ducks postcards for another $10.

So 2 hours after setting out on the SS Minnow we found ourselves on our way to go horseback riding. At this point I’m thinking lunch might be in order but my wife cheerily reminded me “That’s why we bought the fudge!”

We then ultimately made our way back to the hotel where the kids just HAD to go to the water park. When my wife concurred that this would be a great idea because it would give her time to get ready for dinner I was more than willing to make that trade off and pulled my trunks over my shamefully empty belly for a quick swim.

Now 1 ½ hours later we’re finally sitting down to eat at a restaurant of my wife’s choosing – a little to kitschy I thought but whatever, I’m starving. When the waitress appeared I happily ordered…

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks please
Waitress: I’m sorry sir we don’t serve liquor
M: OK – A beer will be fine
W: We don’t have any alcohol at all I’m afraid
M: (counting to 10)
W: Can I get you something else?
M: A Coke would be great, Cokes all around? OK – that’ll be 5 Cokes – thanks
W: I’ll be right back with your drinks!

M (to self): OK calm down no big deal, you can still have a nice big dinner – that’ll make up for this day, we’re on vacation just relax…

Scene: Waitress returns with drinks…
Waitress: I can take your order now!
Me: I’d like the biggest steak you have medium rare
W: Sir we don’t have steak
M: Um, OK, A burger then
W (looking puzzled): Sir we don’t serve meat, this is a vegetarian restaurant…

I have to say though after I got over my initial shock the mushroom stroganoff was actually really good. Still, it escapes my understanding that the woman I’ve lived and dined daily with for the last 15 years did not foresee this as an issue.

Zoid, excellent post. I laughed out loud twice.

“That’s why we bought the fudge!” is the best line I've read, ever.

zoid - loved the post! I wonder how on earth there could be a restaurant in the Great State of Wisconsin that didn't serve BEER. This is a state where I observed - astutely, I thought at the time - they feature brown bottle-specific recycling bins at the highway rest stops!

Zoid it's a great post, and I know that restaurant, and it's not bad, but honestly, at that point, I would have bailed and gone up the street 5 minutes to the House of Embers for the best Martini and Steak in town...

Thank you all for your kind words!

I wish to God I could tell you I was making it up - alas I cannot.

So, zoid, what have we both learned? No matter who plans the road trip, you always pack your own cooler, right?

Katie wrote:So, zoid, what have we both learned? No matter who plans the road trip, you always pack your own cooler, right?

And keep a bottle in the room

zoid wrote:

Katie wrote:So, zoid, what have we both learned? No matter who plans the road trip, you always pack your own cooler, right?

And keep a bottle in the room

Zactly.

You'd think the Sterns would have made that one of their rules of the road. I guess for them it's more like, don't trust Hampton Inn; bring your own doughnuts.