Argo Tea: The Lost Seinfeld Episode—A minor rant.

Wandering Lincoln Park with time to kill between appointments, numb of ear, lip, and hand, I decide to avail myself of the Argo Tea on the horizon for a restorative hot cup of something.
At the counter I realize, after a glance at the menu board, that I am far too unschooled in Argo argot (as it were) to fend for myself. Seeking counsel I approach a smiling Argonaut and explain that I want a cup of strong black tea. What are they brewing today? He tells me that they have an Indian black tea, and an Earl Grey Crème. “Don’t worry about the “crème,” he says, it doesn’t mean anything. I think they just use it to be fancy.”). While I’ve no reason to doubt him, I opt for the Indian.
Do I want him to "leave room for anything?" “Yes,” I say, clearly and deliberately, “Just enough for a drop of milk.” I look around for the fixin’s bar and he says, “We do that for you back here.” Now, I really prefer to add my own, and anyway, what?---do they trust people with the sugar packets but fear the milk will be stolen? But OK, fine. “Just a drop, thanks.”
“What kind?” he asks. Oh god. “Whole, please.” Anxiety flits across his face. He’s not sure they have any whole milk. In a tea shop. “Half-and-half is fine then. But just a drop, please.”
And our adventure begins.
He turns to his counter colleague and asks, “Can we do that? I don’t know how.”
Now, in the slight pause between the first and second of those sentences, I have time to wonder: Does he mean “are we permitted,” or, “are we capable?” Neither passes the giggle test. But with the second sentence, the mystery only increases. “Don’t know how?” I can’t even begin to fathom the “how” in putting a drop of milk in a cup of tea. But his friend answers sagely, “I know how.”
At this point I decide to spend the tea-making interval in the restroom and ask if it’s located back behind the counter area---the only part of the very small shop that is not in full view. Another Argonaut, overhearing, says to me, a bit conspiratorially, “I can let you in,” in a tone combining deference with a suggestion that he’s making a bit of an exception and I shouldn’t expect the same treatment more than once. We proceed down the narrow passage together and when he pulls out a special key with which to admit me, I feel as if I’m being allowed to handle the Shakespeare folios at the British Library.
After completing the quicker of the major functions associated with this room, I emerge to find my cup set up on the counter. I take it to a table and take off the lid.
What the…?
At first I think I’ve mistakenly taken someone else’s coffee drink. But, a good sniff tells me no, under this mountain of steamed half-and-half foam is tea. I have a tea-puccino. I consider taking it back to explain that I really meant a drop of milk, in the tea. Directly. From milk jug to tea, with no intervening operations. But I decide to shrug it off.
I take a reluctant sip, only to find it barely at room temperature. This, I can’t shrug off. It’s a freezing January day in Chicago and what I want, at the very barest minimum from this transaction, is a piping hot cup of not-what-I-really-wanted.
I return to the counter and ask, quite pleasantly I think, if they can just give this a short shot in the microwave because it is strangely cold. And then ol’ Jason does what he really, really didn’t have to do. Instead of saying something simple and easy and constructive like, “Sure, I’ll just heat that up for you,” he goes the passive-aggressive-let-you-know-where-you-stand-even-while-acceding-to-the-request route. “Yeah,” he says, tossing it off as casually as he can, “it was waiting there for you for a while.” Cold as I still was, I could feel steam pressure beginning to build in my curmudgeonly, middle-aged pipes.
No freshly and properly made cup of tea, with a lid on it no less, can go down to room temp. in 2 minutes---the maximum amount of time I could have been back there reading the first folio. But he had to make sure that I understood I was the one at fault.
Back at my seat I discover one reason it might have gotten so cold so fast: My “just a drop” of milk turns out to be about 30 percent of the drink---a tepid, foamy, watery, creamy baby drink, about as far from a strong, hot cup of black tea as Newt Gingrich is from Herodotus. Defeated, I stagger back out into the cold as a raging, whining, service-denied, eternally unfulfilled George Costanza-like bitterness takes root in my miserable breast.

Mr. B,

I feel your pain.

I've never, in memory, been so slighted by the kind of folks described by mrbarolo and stevez, but if I were, I think my tendency would be to pull out my camera, take their picture, and in this way document the moment. If they asked why I was taking their picture, I'd tell them straight that its purpose would be to document their world-class assery for all to see and so be forewarned.

David "The Whole World is Watching" Hammond

It doesn't sound like you went to the Argo near my apartment (the Broadway & Briar location). My wife & I bundled up the kids on Christmas day to get out of the house for some fresh air, and get coffee while we're out & about. We were sure that Intelligentsia would be open, but alas, they're not the godless heathens we apparently are. The Argo a few doors down, however, was packed.

So we walked in and ordered two Americanos...both arrived so blisteringly hot that they were literally not fit for human consumption. I went back to the counter to ask for ice, because we wished to drink our coffees that day. When the guy working the drink-making half of the counter gave me a quizzical look, I explained that the drinks were way too hot to drink, which made him chuckle.

In addition to being downright dangerous, I can't imagine water that hot is the best way to make great-tasting coffee either.

Sorry for such a horrible experience.

I don't think they are the best at what they do, like Starbucks, but I've found them tolerable.

I love teapucinos a/k/a tea au lait, a/k/a tea with milk but not a lot of sugar and spices and have never gotten a cold drink from them.

I suspect the fault was in the foam, sometimes, you stick the nozzle down in the bottom of the stainless steel pitcher and think you are boiling the milk, but the foam on top stays eerily cold***.

***Knowledge I acquired back when I worked at a truly independent coffee shop in Evanston when Starbucks only existed in Seattle.

I have nothing against Argo as such. I rarely go there and hadn't had any previous bad times when I did. This was just a random experience, I imagine. But grist for the mill.

Great post! And now I know who Herodotus is.

pairs4life wrote:I love teapucinos a/k/a tea au lait, a/k/a tea with milk but not a lot of sugar and spices and have never gotten a cold drink from them.

How do you order the teapuccino drinks without a lot of sugar? You just ask them to dilute their concentrate more? Default is quite a bit of sugar (which bothers me for taste not nutritional value): http://www.argotea.com/argonutrition.pdf

And people still just laugh at the movie Idiocracy.

happy_stomach wrote:

pairs4life wrote:I love teapucinos a/k/a tea au lait, a/k/a tea with milk but not a lot of sugar and spices and have never gotten a cold drink from them.

How do you order the teapuccino drinks without a lot of sugar? You just ask them to dilute their concentrate more? Default is quite a bit of sugar (which bothers me for taste not nutritional value): http://www.argotea.com/argonutrition.pdf

Correction. I order the tea latte or maybe they do something different since I tend to order it with soy, instead of cow juice.

I thin Meinl maybe where I order something like a teapuccino, or was it that little independent place in Wautoma, WI?

Hmmmm,

Khaopaat wrote:In addition to being downright dangerous, I can't imagine water that hot is the best way to make great-tasting coffee either.

I think the optimal coffee brewing water temperature is supposed to be around 200 degrees F.

Thank you for a lovely, thoughtful, funny, intelligent post. I enjoyed it.

AdmVinyl wrote:

Khaopaat wrote:In addition to being downright dangerous, I can't imagine water that hot is the best way to make great-tasting coffee either.

I think the optimal coffee brewing water temperature is supposed to be around 200 degrees F.

Usually it's 195-205. It's too hot for my taste, but I drink it black - cold milk will bring it down a bit.

When I worked as a barista, we aimed to serve most drinks (lattes, etc) around 185, which is a more comfortable drinking temp.

The issue is that Khaopaat ordered Americanos, which are espresso and hot water. Often the hot water that's added is boiling, giving you a drink that's 205-210. Ouch!

-Dan

happy_stomach wrote:

pairs4life wrote:I love teapucinos a/k/a tea au lait, a/k/a tea with milk but not a lot of sugar and spices and have never gotten a cold drink from them.

How do you order the teapuccino drinks without a lot of sugar? You just ask them to dilute their concentrate more? Default is quite a bit of sugar (which bothers me for taste not nutritional value): http://www.argotea.com/argonutrition.pdf

You could make them brew a tea from scratch (which adds a few extra minutes), then add foamed milk to it. That avoids the sugar problem, aside from whatever sugar is naturally in the milk of your choice.

I always ask for brewed teas, even for iced drinks, from Argo, since concentrate is an abomination. Who knows how long it's been sitting there getting stale.

I can SO relate... wonderful reading-fabulous writing.
Is there an emoticon that blows you a kiss?