Life when married to a chef

Marrying a chef? What you need to know before saying “I do”

Being a chef is a very tall order. I think it must be even harder to be married to one, so here is my list of things I feel that anyone who is thinking of taking on one till death should really sit and marinate on.

You will be alone most of the time.

Cathy2 wrote:Marrying a chef? What you need to know before saying “I do”

Being a chef is a very tall order. I think it must be even harder to be married to one, so here is my list of things I feel that anyone who is thinking of taking on one till death should really sit and marinate on.

You will be alone most of the time.

And then you realize why so many chefs and other people who spend a career in the kitchen have shorter life expectancies ...

I've interviewed a few chefs about family and/or about life in general, and what I picked up from them was the importance of intentionality. A lot of them do cook at home, at least occasionally, because they want to cook with their kids. Some chef spouses take the kids to the restaurant during slow times, to see the chef parent regularly, even having lunch with the staff. At work, the chefs handle issues as they arise, rather than end-loading the day. All sorts of tricks and tips on the part of both sides of the relationship, but it must be intentional. Not every relationship lasts -- but that's true outside chefdom. However, I met a fair number of happy, well-adjusted families that simply made the effort to create as much time together as they could, and to make sure the time together was of high quality. Happy chefs, happy spouses, happy kids.

All that said, I suspect that intentionality and working to ensure time together is of high quality would help all relationships.

It seems to me to be a busy and yet lonely life. This thread reminds me of the late Dave Teichman of Bluegrass in Highland Park, a very talented chef who was a high school friend of my husband's. Sweet Baboo said to him once, Katie likes to cook; you should come over to eat sometime on your day off. I was immediately intimidated by the idea; I imagined him opening up my cabinets and scoffing at the pedestrian ingredients inside and then pretending to like whatever I put on the table. I couldn't imagine that he wouldn't consider that a waste of a precious day off--not that there was anything in his personality that suggested he would act that way or think such things. It was just that the idea of cooking for a restaurant chef that made me nervous. I was thinking about the two or three best things I could possibly make and how none of them were very special. It wouldn't be anything like what you're used to, I was quick to add; you might not like it; you'd probably want to jump in and shoo me out of the kitchen and make something better than I could. No, he said; just the opposite--I never get to go anywhere where I don't have to be the cook. Really, he said, that'd be great.

I can't imagine how many meals I've not been invited to because of this. For the record, who doesn't enjoy spending a nice nite out @ a friends w/them doing the cooking? But even close friends are often intimidated. Relax. I love it and can only speak for myself (but pretty certain this is true) we're not judging you the way we judge if are in a restaurant paying for it. Yes it's hard to be a civiilian, but if you don't give us the op, we'll never learn.

When my love cooks grilled cheese and Campbell's tomato soup w/Saltines crumbled into it, it suits me just fine. Been known to enjoy a Hostess cupcake on ocassion as well.

Hi,

I met a couple who were friends with a restaurant chef. They did not know this until after they had hosted this chef and his wife at their home. When the chef invited them to his house, that's when they learned he was a chef.

This chef loved hosting these people as much as he loved eating at their home. It was fortuitous their relationship began this way, because this couple never feared inviting the chef and his wife over thereafter.

Regards,

Jazzfood wrote:I can't imagine how many meals I've not been invited to because of this. For the record, who doesn't enjoy spending a nice nite out @ a friends w/them doing the cooking? But even close friends are often intimidated. Relax. I love it and can only speak for myself (but pretty certain this is true) we're not judging you the way we judge if are in a restaurant paying for it. Yes it's hard to be a civiilian, but if you don't give us the op, we'll never learn.

When my love cooks grilled cheese and Campbell's tomato soup w/Saltines crumbled into it, it suits me just fine. Been known to enjoy a Hostess cupcake on ocassion as well.

You've sampled things I've made a few times and, while I would never think of excluding you because I was worried about what you'd think, I'm always very proud when you tell me you like it (or fake it well LOL )

Jazzfood wrote:I can't imagine how many meals I've not been invited to because of this. For the record, who doesn't enjoy spending a nice nite out @ a friends w/them doing the cooking? But even close friends are often intimidated. Relax. I love it and can only speak for myself (but pretty certain this is true) we're not judging you the way we judge if are in a restaurant paying for it. Yes it's hard to be a civiilian, but if you don't give us the op, we'll never learn.

When my love cooks grilled cheese and Campbell's tomato soup w/Saltines crumbled into it, it suits me just fine. Been known to enjoy a Hostess cupcake on ocassion as well.

Gee. All that never occurred to me. It must feel terrible, considering the meaning of cooking for someone, never to receive that in return. Let me apologize on behalf of all those negligent hosts and hostesses. Really. It seems natural and obvious that a chef would want something other than a "busman's holiday."

I tend to blame Martha Stewart for this. Her constant goal seems to be to teach home cooks how to use cooking and homemaking to enact their competitive-aggressive urges. Shows like Sandra Lee's just feed this dynamic by being easy to ridicule. The truth is that with good- or even simply nostalgic ingredients, everyone can cook an acceptable meal.

In recompense, I want to issue an open invitation to all LTH cooks (professional and non-professional) who have had that experience. I'll cook for all y'all! You just have to come to St. Louis, home of the pork steak. (I don't do snoots, but I can score some if you are curious.) That means you, Jazzfood - if you come to the Carondelet Garlic Fest next year, consider yourself invited.

From a different side of the chef at home story, one of my favorite anecdotes came from Jay Lovell. We were talking about his two little girls and food routines at home. Other than steaks on the Weber grill in the backyard, he never cooks at home. He related that one evening, he was watching food TV with one of the girls, who was about 4 at the time. On the show, they were making a croquembouche. Jay's little girl got very excited and asked if she could make one. He was being very practical, telling her no, she couldn't, because it was very complicated and she wouldn't be able to manage it, and then he said it hit him -- "Wait a minute. I'm a chef. Even if she can't do it, I can." So they made it together. But he was so in the "I'm not at work" mode, and being the dad, he was simply thinking of what daddy's little girl could do. That made me smile.