Don’t Crotch-Bang My Baguette, Puh-leeze

Don’t Crotch-Bang My Baguette, Puh-leeze

Thankfully -- what with new infectious diseases popping up around the world every day -- there seems a new-found appreciation for hand washing. You can see this trend in the now ubiquitous waterless cleanser dispensers in airports and other public places. There are even sanitary wipes at the front door of grocery stores that the more hygienic among us can use to wipe down cart handles once gripped by other filthy humans.

So, while shopping at Caputo’s cheese store last weekend, I was surprised to see that loaves of bread are still offered with the front ends sticking out, open to bacteria spread by passing hands, sneezes, etc. Produce is similarly open to such contamination, but you’re probably going to wash all your fruits and vegetables before you eat them, which is, of course, not going to happen with bread.

The bread bags at Caputo’s are perforated with air holes, so if the bags were longer and sealed at the top, there would still be sufficient air flow to keep the bread from getting soggy. These bags are transparent, so you can also see the bread without having a substantial portion of the loaf sticking out.



So why continue to display bread in a way that is patently unsanitary? Tradition? That’s not a satisfactory rationale. The loss of profit due to extra packaging? Preposterous. Laziness? Likely.

We selected a loaf and went to buy some cheese. Just before we checked out, a man brushed by our cart, and his crotch banged against the uncovered baguette. Ugh. The cashier asked if we’d like another, smaller bag on top of the bread, to cover the exposed part. Of course we did, but by that point, our loaf had already been defiled.

Let us put an end to the tradition of selling fresh bread with the upper six inches hanging out. This time-dishonored practice is unseemly, unnecessary and, most importantly, unhealthy. Can I get an Amen?

By shielding yourself from naturally occurring bacteria, you weaken your immune system and create the opportunity for once harmless organisms to cause the end of the human race. Remember what happened to the Martians in War of the Worlds.

David Hammond in his Perfect World

stevez wrote:By shielding yourself from naturally occurring bacteria, you weaken your immune system and create the opportunity for once harmless organisms to cause the end of the human race. Remember what happened to the Martians in War of the Worlds.

Amen!

David, you say this method of display is "most importantly, unhealthy." Can you back that statement up with any empirical evidence? I'm serious... I know moist foods definitely will start to grow bacteria when exposed to open air, hence the sensible public health policy of plastic covers on samples, but have never heard that bread will do this. It seems the surface of bread is pretty inhospitable to most disease-carrying germs, other than mold (which is mostly airborne and takes longer to grow than most of us keep our bread).

I sometimes buy the La Brea bakery bread at Jewel. There is an enormous difference in the bread when they put it in a non-paper bag, even if perforated. If you want that nice crust, it's gotta be sold in a paper bag. You see people walking around Paris holding their baguettes with just a piece of bakery paper around the middle. If humans were such fragile beings that naked loaves of bread caused us to get sick, we wouldn't still be here. I do admit, the crotch image is really gross and I would have asked for a new loaf.

If you're saying the crotch in question was completely uncovered, I'd share your concern.

Wow. How do you actually go over to anyone's abode. I am quite certain you would be horrified with my degree of sanitation. Do you have friends that meet your sanitation standards or do you shudder in their households.

I am at a complete loss as to what your concerns are.

Edit: I just remembered that you wrote ' Maxwell St Market Guide, 2011-2012'. How can you possibly find the food on Maxwell street sanitary?

OP is intended to be tongue in cheek, I'm gonna surmise.

I remember when I was living in New York, staggering home in the grey light of dawn seeing paper bags of French Bread propped up in the doorways of restaurants .........

Roger Ramjet wrote:I remember when I was living in New York, staggering home in the grey light of dawn seeing paper bags of French Bread propped up in the doorways of restaurants .........

I see this every day at a joint around the corner from me.

I was at Pastoral cheese the other day and refused to buy a loaf of bread because it was in a plastic bag (similar to this but closed; breathable yes, but still....)

Give me contamination and fresh, crusty bread any day.

Do you wear plastic gloves when you handle and slice your baguette?

David, I have to agree with the rest of the posters, no bags on bread, of all the food born illnesses I worry about bread contamination is not one of them. As has been pointed out, many restaurants get their bread delivered before they're open and it sits outside their door until someone arrives. The only crotch I'm worried about is you getting crotchety.

David, I feel for you Bro. We live in a world populated by knuckle dragging, nose picking , crotch scratching miscreants. Grocery stores are playgrounds for these animals. Look around and you can see them fondling the produce, squeezing every loaf of bread and pawing through the poultry with their grubby mits! Its a wonder were not all dead.
The filthy bastard that crotch banged your baguette probably had you made as a germaphobe and did it just for sport (these freaks can smell hand sanitizer a mile away!)
While there is nothing we can do to change these folks we can protect ourselves. While cleaning up after the dog this morning it suddenly dawned on me. The plastic bags that newspapers and advertising flyers come in would be perfect to use as baguette "condoms". A guy could roll up a couple of these and keep them in his bag along with the hand sanitizer and latex cloves. When you find that perfect loaf all you need to do roll on the baguette condom and you're good to go!
Like they say in the Marines IMPROVISE, ADAPT , OVERCOME !

While there is nothing we can do to change these folks we can protect ourselves. While cleaning up after the dog this morning it suddenly dawned on me. The plastic bags that newspapers and advertising flyers come in would be perfect to use as baguette "condoms". A guy could roll up a couple of these and keep them in his bag along with the hand sanitizer and latex cloves. When you find that perfect loaf all you need to do roll on the baguette condom and you're good to go!

hilarious! what a great idea. i double dare hammond to do this next time he buys a loaf of half naked bread.

JSM wrote:David, I feel for you Bro. We live in a world populated by knuckle dragging, nose picking , crotch scratching miscreants. Grocery stores are playgrounds for these animals. Look around and you can see them fondling the produce, squeezing every loaf of bread and pawing through the poultry with their grubby mits! Its a wonder were not all dead.
The filthy bastard that crotch banged your baguette probably had you made as a germaphobe and did it just for sport (these freaks can smell hand sanitizer a mile away!)
While there is nothing we can do to change these folks we can protect ourselves. While cleaning up after the dog this morning it suddenly dawned on me. The plastic bags that newspapers and advertising flyers come in would be perfect to use as baguette "condoms". A guy could roll up a couple of these and keep them in his bag along with the hand sanitizer and latex cloves. When you find that perfect loaf all you need to do roll on the baguette condom and you're good to go!
Like they say in the Marines IMPROVISE, ADAPT , OVERCOME !

Semper Fi, bra!

One of my earlier memories features me, standing next to my mom in what’s probably a Dominick’s, while she orders at the deli counter. Poppy-seeded bread is displayed right at preschooler mouth-level. I remember being crafty enough to pretend I was smelling it, but I was totally nibbling poppy seeds off with my little teeth.

I guess it's no less sanitary than the sausages hanging in butcher shops/Italian shops/etc. But I always found it gross, being within reach of booger-fingered kids. Why aren't rolls out in the open then too, instead of in those little cubby units with plastic doors? Why can't we reach in with our bare hands; we're only selecting one at a time? Why do we have sneeze guards? You have an Amen from me. I also figured the bread would dry out faster and attract bugs. I never leave it uncovered at home for the bug reason alone, unless I plan to eat it that night.

Sorry to hear about the wang incident.

Maybe this is why we have an evolved immune system ?

Not even a blip on my radar. I do wonder about some of those grocery store salad bars, though. Not quite enough to stop me from buying on occasion, but just general idle wonderment.

Sorry, but if I want bread in a plastic bag I will buy Wonder bread...soft and squishy. No thanks! I will take the open paper bag version please.

Grocery store salad bars scare me. Too many kids running around unsupervised and snacking with grubby fingers.....

PKramer wrote:Sorry, but if I want bread in a plastic bag I will buy Wonder bread...soft and squishy. No thanks! I will take the open paper bag version please.

Yeah, but there's no practical reason that the bag can't be long enough to cover the entire loaf.

Hammond,

Something new to scare yourself about: Teenager Rubbed His Junk On Patron's Pizza Texan, 18, busted on felony rap for testicle topping tampering

Angered that a customer called in a pizza order right before closing time, a Texas teenager allegedly rubbed his genitals on the patron’s pie as he prepared the takeout order, police alleged'
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